I don’t have it

It turns out I don’t have anything. No cancer. The stupid hospital made a stupid ass mistake and caused me to really freak out for two weeks, for nothing. I found out Thursday afternoon, and confirmed Friday with my doctor.

I’d gotten more and more anxious again, starting on the weekend, and I’d called the doctor’s office and left a message, and they didn’t call back. After carrying my phone around non-stop for two days, I called the clinic. They did call back the same day, leaving a message that there is ‘no record’ of my appointment next week on the system – just my six month regular appointment.

My mother said to go to my regular doctor to make sure, and she fit me in right away. The scan was clear for any cancer. They find lots of weird things with scans, but apparently it’s all nothing to worry about.

So. When I got the message from the clinic, I just folded in half and just breathed for a few minutes, I was so relieved/upset/surprised. I was at work but had taken the phone to a meeting room. The rest of the day, I had trouble absorbing this news. I’d been so frightened, I couldn’t seem to stop the fright. It was as if I couldn’t process it all.

Going to my family doctor the next day, that fear rose up again. What if I have something? I knew that if I did, I would deal with it, but was still afraid. I basically switched into the kid from the stress in her office, from the sheer relief, when she read me the results. I almost cried, and babbled something about not having cancer and being great.

The doctor was nice, reassuring, cheerful. I wish I hadn’t switched, but she’ll just think I’m very emotional and overwrought.

Today, Saturday, I’m just getting used to not being scared. It’s just taken this long for this news to settle in.

I had therapy Thursday evening, just a few hours after I’d found out, and couldn’t really process anything, I was just so wound up. Ron suggested expressing my feelings somehow, moving or drawing, but I couldn’t. It was as if different parts of me where feeling a lot but all jumbled up, and I couldn’t feel anything properly.

I don’t know what happened with the hospital, why they called me to tell me about this non-existent appointment. Maybe I was mixed up with some other patient, who got this follow-up appointment, but no call. Who knows. It’s good I followed up with my GP, because when they start making mistakes, I want to know it’s not a mistake about my test results.

I’m alive. Back to my regular problems. I’m determined to make some kind of life though, as best I can. Not to waste it.

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21 comments
  1. That is wonderful news! So happy for you; sorry you had to go through all that.

  2. leb105 said:

    what did says – glad to hear it, E! Don’t waste it.

  3. This post makes me breathe. Oh Ellen I’m so relieved for you. 🎉🎉🎉

    • Ellen said:

      Gad it makes you breathe. 🙂 Thank you AG.

  4. This.shaking said:

    YAY Ellen! Hip Hip Hooray!! and Hugs! TS

    • Ellen said:

      Hip hip hooray! Thanks TS

  5. Grainne said:

    Oh Ellen, thank god!!!!! I’m so happy to hear this news. Give yourself some time to come down from the worry and fear. I fell apart after my doc appt on Friday and am just starting to level back out now. Xoxox. I’m so relieved for you 💕

    • Ellen said:

      You too? I was surprised I couldn’t calm down – I’d have thought good news, that’s it, but it does take time to even out again. I think today I feel normal for the first time. Glad your appt was helpful. Thanks!

  6. thank god. someone was looking out for you. so delighted it was good news! xoxo

  7. Wild cheering from my computer. So happy for you. You are right, they probably never noticed the switch. Happy day!!!!!!!

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you Ruth. Happy Day!

  8. e.Nice said:

    As everyone else has said, I am so glad this all turned out to be a mistake. Still upset for your sake that you went through all this anxiety and stress and pain. But the relief feels nice! I think you’ve already made a good life btw.

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you enice. And yes, I’m actually upset also that a stupid mistake the hospital made caused me so much stress. They don’t even know about it at this point. And my doctor didn’t really have time for my story, she was just focused on reading the scan. But I am very very relieved. I think my life is a work in progress. 🙂

  9. I know this is a bit belated but I am so glad there was nothing wrong. Having cancer surgery is so hard. So glad you don’t have to go through this additional pressure.

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