Dealing with fear

Sunday night and yesterday were better. At the end of day Sunday I forced myself out to get supplies for a barbecue Monday, then talked with a friend for a long time, a lot about her issues but also about my own. Monday morning I headed off for a walk in the park – so unusual for me to head off in the morning. It was to get warm, so I wanted to walk while it was still cool. Nice walk and rest under the trees. I was mostly back in a grown up state of mind, while also taking care of V who loves walks in nature and taking pictures.

The barbecue was pleasant, with my ex and my son. My ex made two salads and a veg, so I only had to do meat and dessert. And all was tasty.

Today I have taken the day off. My plan was to go down to the lake and walk in the morning, however, it is difficult again. I am just overcome with anxiety about my health and my upcoming medical appointment. That anxiety had receded as my week went on, and for some reason started coming back last night, and today is back full force.

I’d gotten an appointment letter in the mail Friday when I got home from work. This letter was from my surgeon’s office, and only listed a follow-up appointment in six months, not the anxiety producing one next week. So I jumped to the conclusion there’s maybe been some kind of mix-up, and I’m not supposed to have this new appointment next week.

That was a nice thought and very calming. However. Monday was a holiday, so now I called this Tuesday morning to clarify. I called the surgeon’s office. You only get an answering machine there, not a person. I might get a call back tomorrow. And I suspect my voice sounded anxious, because I was petrified to call, but I felt I had to. If there’s a chance there was a mix-up, and I don’t have cancer, I want to know sooner rather than later.

Now I’m hoping for a call back, though I know they are unlikely to call soon. If the secretary is taking an extra day because of the holiday, I won’t get a call back for days. And I went back to the letter, and noticed it has a print date of when they called me to book the six month follow-up, days before someone else called me to book next weeks’ follow-up that is causing my stress. So. They likely just didn’t get this in the mail right away, but it was printed before I got the other appointment, so likely this means nothing. I still have cancer, likely.

So that is depressing. And I’m just afraid. Man, I’ve battled back from being overwhelmed by a younger part, and now I have to deal with medical stuff as well. Life is just difficult.

I had this fantasy that they’d phone me back and tell me it was all a mistake, but now I’m thinking that’s just not going to happen. It’s hard.


  1. Grainne said:

    I imagine this isn’t particularly helpful advice, but you can only take things as they come. I am a worrier, myself, so I know things like this can’t simply be ignored, but maybe it’s not as bad as you fear. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you. Hang in there. xx

    • Ellen said:

      No, it’s helpful. I am a worrier too and I plunge into pure fear easily. I’m just going to have to wait and see, like so many others. No need to imagine the worst. Thanks Grainne.

  2. e.Nice said:

    I hope they do call you back and soon. Anything to do with cancer is scary and they should really be on top of it to reassure you if it isn’t or not leave you hanging if it is. I think you are really doing well all things considered.

    • Ellen said:

      I think so too! Thanks nice.

  3. Rachel said:

    It is hard not to run with the worries, when the emotions and feelings make the thoughts seem so real. I’m glad you had a nice time with your ex and son, I bet they really enjoy your company. Hoping the doctor office calls back soon so your mind and heart can be put to ease.

    • Ellen said:

      It sure is. I finally got a message this afternoon – it seems to have been some kind of mistake, and everything is OK afterall. I was so scared, and am now so relieved, I almost don’t know how to feel. Almost. Thanks Rachel

      • Rachel said:

        Oh wow Ellen, that is so relieving. I am so glad for you. What an emotional roller coaster. So glad, such a relief.

        • Ellen said:

          Thanks! Very kind. πŸ™‚

  4. I really can’t imagine the terror you must feel. I am sorry you have to go through this too. It is hard to wait to get the full picture about this, because you don’t have any idea how serious the issue is. I am so sorry.

    • Ellen said:

      I was so scared. Big illnesses do involve a lot of waiting. Turns out there was some kind of mistake and I am OK – going to live. In fact, not sick. Whew. I am still reeling from it all. Thanks Ash.

  5. so sorry things are so hard. sometimes life really sucks. there is always so much to deal with and just when you think you’ve got it covered something else pops up. thinking of you xo

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