Pain

Life feels unbearable painful. I get up until I can’t bear it, then go back to bed, then get up again.

This is the problem with therapy – I can’t have a life after a session. As usual, the first two thirds of session was spent on me talking about my life – basically stuff I’ve written about here. Work gets worse, then gets better again. I fear about my health, and then the fear recedes again. The talk feels thin somehow – I realize parts of me are on a different page.

Then in the last third, B and V get a turn. B is relatively cheerful. She draws, and chats with Ron about people at work. V however is despairing. Ron has asked to speak with her directly, and she talks about the bleakness of everything. She doesn’t like the industry I’m in. She likes photography and wants to take more pictures. Why don’t you do that, Ron suggests. Yes she will try.

And she cries and cries. We take about ten minutes to try and switch back gently. And I go  home and just haven’t been able to cope with much since.

I talked about not wanting to shut down and stay in bed once I get home, as that’s a huge issue for me. I miss a lot of my life to that. We talk about how I’m going to try not to switch so severely, that at home, V or B could have time. That the shutting down is like getting stuck between parts, or frozen.

But with V, I can’t ‘give her time’. She seems to take over all my emotions, and I can’t switch out any more.

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15 comments
  1. I’m sorry you’re in pain. I am glad that you were able to talk to Ron about therapy intruding on your regular life, how much you end up missing. It sounds like you guys came up with something to try to help. That’s good! I do understand what you mean about V taking over everything. When I feel more like the teen part is running the ship, it seems as if she is in control of all my emotions and behavior. It’s really hard. I know it’s not exactly the same thing, but I know it’s hard. I wish I had some rest words to say that would make it all better for you. Xx💟

    • Ellen said:

      It is good. Even if it doesn’t help that much, I like that he takes my concerns seriously and is trying to help. And I think it is helping a bit, just not enough. I think you do understand perfectly, because that’s just what I mean. V’s emotions swamp me, and it seems my regular ways of thinking just get lost altogether. I feel like I have to wait for it to pass. Thank you very much Alice.

      • You’re welcome. I hope some of the bad feelings have passed. It is supposed to be sunny here today, and I found myself hopefully by you have nice weather, too. Sometimes the sunshine helps.

  2. Can you give those parts time to be out on a non-therapy day? That may help them and you, if you could put a little structure behind that time. Just a thought…

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, I’m trying to do that. Today for instance V got to take some pictures. I’m discovering she has more sides than just terrible pain – she thinks a lot about things, doesn’t take things at face value. Sometimes also, I find if I want to go out but am having difficulty, I let B’s energy lead the way, and I’m out in the world in no time, because she loves to go out. Thank you didandme.

  3. Rachel said:

    Thinking of V. It is hard, to Balance the therapy time with all the competing needs. Particularly since one parts’ needs might sideswipe functioning. It is so hard, to navigate all of this. You have clarity on the cycle, even if you aren’t able to prevent the shutdown as much as I know you’d like. I think you’re doing a good job of building awareness of the pattern and experimenting. And I really do think all of your effort and intention will shift things, over time. It is hard that these types of changes take a long time, years. But I do see it happening for you.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks for being encouraging Rachel.

  4. hi. wanted to tell you i privatised my blog and wanted to tell you that you can request access at http://therapybits.com/ someone who i dont want reading found me so thats why i went private with it hope you’ll follow us there. Carol anne

  5. Oh my goodness, I love to take pictures. With more time on my hands I’ve been taking pictures. What kind of pictures does V want to take? I’ve been taking yoga pictures. Totally silly but so fun. Maybe I will post about it. 🌸🌸

    • Ellen said:

      Yoga pictures sound interesting….V mostly takes nature pictures, and then some pictures of a family dinner. I used to do some city/street photography also. It is fun. 🙂

  6. e.Nice said:

    I don’t know what the answer is, but I think it is good you are looking at options and trying to figure out how to balance the time and effort it takes to heal with the whole actually living thing. I feel how exhausting it is. It is good V has things she enjoys along with all the sorrow.

  7. ellen, is it possible to work on inner communicatin between you and the other parts in therapy? it could reall be helpful if you did. especially with the shutting down after session. XXX

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