Life feels unbearable painful. I get up until I can’t bear it, then go back to bed, then get up again.
This is the problem with therapy – I can’t have a life after a session. As usual, the first two thirds of session was spent on me talking about my life – basically stuff I’ve written about here. Work gets worse, then gets better again. I fear about my health, and then the fear recedes again. The talk feels thin somehow – I realize parts of me are on a different page.
Then in the last third, B and V get a turn. B is relatively cheerful. She draws, and chats with Ron about people at work. V however is despairing. Ron has asked to speak with her directly, and she talks about the bleakness of everything. She doesn’t like the industry I’m in. She likes photography and wants to take more pictures. Why don’t you do that, Ron suggests. Yes she will try.
And she cries and cries. We take about ten minutes to try and switch back gently. And I go home and just haven’t been able to cope with much since.
I talked about not wanting to shut down and stay in bed once I get home, as that’s a huge issue for me. I miss a lot of my life to that. We talk about how I’m going to try not to switch so severely, that at home, V or B could have time. That the shutting down is like getting stuck between parts, or frozen.
But with V, I can’t ‘give her time’. She seems to take over all my emotions, and I can’t switch out any more.