On the mental health front, I’ve been fighting. I realized, early this week, that I’m still internally beating you child parts up. I don’t mean to do it. In fact, it doesn’t really feel like me doing the beating up. But whoever it is, B seems mostly petrified that she’s done things wrong and is bad.

When you have dissociation issues, these kinds of things are not so easy to spot. I deeply believe in being kind to all parts of myself, and have believed this for years. And yet…I so often feel overwhelmingly sad or anxious and don’t know why. And I think one reason why is that these are child feelings, which I’m not taking care of, and causing to some extent.

I started operating more like a kind kindergarten internally. As an experiment, for this week. In the morning, I picture myself holding hands with B on the way to work, and telling her reassuring things. Things like we’re doing a good job, and also that I, the adult, will take care of work stuff, that I’m good at it, and that she can relax.

At work, when I have a fraught interaction with my boss, I’ll reassure B that all is well – bosses can be weird sometimes, but there’s nothing wrong with her.

I really felt an inner lightening when I started doing this. I think it’s helping, though a few days isn’t long enough to tell if this is going to really help going forward.

I mentioned in therapy that I was doing this hand-holding visualization type exercise going to work, and Ron thought it was a good thing to do. So this week, I expanded it.

It is really surprising to me that I could be having internal parts getting beaten up without my realizing it was happening. That just seems so strange. And yet, I think this is true. And to guard against that, I need to take so much extra care to show parts love and care. It’s hard, when that was not my experience as a child. But I can provide this.

The world is becoming a lot less scary for me. I want a safe world, and the thing is, it is largely a safe world, it’s just that I have not been able to let that in. The world is safe, and no one is attacking me for the most part, and I need to keep letting young child parts know that this is so. The world is peaceful. The bad things are not necessarily my fault – they’re usually not my fault at all. If something is my fault, I can take steps to try and make it better.

  1. This.shaking said:

    Ellen: I love this idea! “I started operating more like a kind kindergarten internally.” Just thinking of possibly maybe one day trying this terrifies me, but I can talk to my T (whose name is Betsy – I have her permission to tell) tomorrow. Thank you! TS

    • Ellen said:

      Glad if this sparks something for you This. I don’t really see the terrifying aspect, but we are all different. For me, it’s more a worry about being childish and not grown-up. On the other hand, being nurturing is a grown-up thing to do. 🙂 Thanks

  2. The kind kindergarten seems like a really good idea. Take care.

  3. Rachel said:

    I really love this, all of it. Thank you for sharing.

    • Ellen said:

      And thank you for relating. 🙂

    • This.shaking said:

      Rachel:I miss you. Are you OK??? TS

      • Ellen said:

        Hi TS – Rachel has made her blog private, but you can request access, she’s still blogging. Cheers

      • Rachel said:

        Hi TS, yes, doing OK! I switched my site to private after the post you had alerted me wasn’t protected. I got a bit spooked about it. I’ve only permitted access to the other people with blogs. It feels exclusive, but that is my comfort level at this time. I hope you are well too.

        • This.shaking said:

          Got it, Rachel. Thanks for letting me know. Keep on keeping on. Warm wishes – TS

          • Rachel said:

            You’re welcome, and same to you 🙂

  4. Thank you for writing about this. I have been really struggling with accepting something that one of my inside person does and my counselor has been encouraging me to be patient and comforting to her while she (the inner young girl) figures some things out. Your idea sounds like something I really need to try to do.

    • Ellen said:

      You could give it a go – I’m still finding it helpful. Nice to meet you! Thanks for commenting.

  5. e.Nice said:

    I am glad the world is becoming less scary, that you are realizing what is going on inside, and that you feel like you can help. All good things. I like the idea of starting a kindness kindergarten. Its hard to be nice to myself, but if I imagine a kindergartner learning how to share and say nice things and such, thats not so overwhelming.

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, yes! If you could also do this I think it would be great. 🙂

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