Work is continuing very very rough for me. It’s effecting my sleep, which is never that good to start with. I’m medicating in order to sleep, which is not the best.
Therapy was on Saturday this week. It was OK. Well….I did think about looking up other therapists again. I don’t know. I really don’t have time available to test them out though.
In one way, I so value Ron. I feel understood to some extent, and that someone cares. That’s worth a lot. On the other hand, he often doesn’t understand, and then I kind of give up the effort of trying to explain. Plus I’d sent him a bunch of emails, and he’d only replied to the first one. Which was kind of OK, but also kind of not. I didn’t raise it with him. I hadn’t asked for replies, anyway. I didn’t bring it up, but it still kind of bothered me, that I’d been so distressed, and he hadn’t responded. Maybe he feels it’s par for the course at this point – I’m always pretty much bummed out.
We talked about work. Of course. I described how there is almost no interaction with anyone built into the job. In large organizations that’s one of the interesting things to me – the way different departments are working on things together, and so there are meetings and things to be worked out. However, here, my manager does any interacting, and I am left to sit at my desk. It’s the same for all the analysts, but the math people are more engaged with what they’re doing, while I’m really not. My tasks will not be that fascinating, as a writer at a bank – the interest comes more from working with others.
Then, I have almost nothing to do, and it’s been three weeks. I’m not allowed to read the paper or surf much – my screen is very visible, and the manager did come by at one point and told me there was a lot to learn here, and I should be reading documents. I cannot understand these documents. They are too poorly written, and they assume a knowledge which i don’t have.
I’ve realized that I can download my kindle books to my phone though. So I’ve been reading my mystery novel, propping my black phone on my black keyboard and kind of hunching over it. Eight hours is a lot of time to fill when you need to be at your desk and look busy. So I was doing that.
Ron says why not quit then. If it’s so bad, and so not what you want?
That sounds so good to me. Just quit. I hate it so much, and I could get rid of it. However. It would be much preferable to tolerate it until I’ve found something else. I’ve been applying, and something might come up, I might get a call. Plus – I don’t yet know the job, really. I can see it’s not great, but might it be tolerable once I actually have little tasks to do? There is such an appeal to full-time for me also. I can see that though I’m not what this boss was hoping for either, she still has no intentions of letting me go. In a contract, you’re at risk of being let go all the time, and it’s exhausting.
Ron just listens, absorbing all this.
That was the first part of the session. I’m in an adult place – I can talk, I’m even somewhat animated. Underneath I can feel the pull of parts. They are deeply unhappy, but also banished much more strongly than usual. Ron asks if anyone wants to speak with him. I say it’s hard – there’s such a wall up, I have to take a leap in order to have them speak.
So I sit, and feel parts emotions. I want to cry, and I feel lost and sad.
I start to ‘draw’ which is basically scribbling. And B starts talking to Ron, about the parts of work she is interested in – our clothes, the elevators, the person who says hi every morning when no one else does.
And then that part actually starts to cry – I guess she carries a lot of sadness. I can’t actually remember very clearly what it was all about.
In the last part of the session, I tell Ron at work, when I was feeling depressed, I started trying to not think about anything. It just seems that when depressed, one bad thought leads to the next, and soon everything seems much much worse. I still think it’s a good plan to try not to think too much when depressed – it doesn’t help.
Ron didn’t really agree with this. He said that part of depression is not having a sense of agency. So if my thoughts lead to any small thing I could do to make it better, they would be helpful, though if they just go in circles, then of course, that’s not helpful.
I just felt he really didn’t get it. I can see this theory from his point of view, as a non-depressed person, and it makes sense. But when depressed, my thoughts are so heavy and clouded, they lead nowhere. They’re like being lost in a dark swamp. I’ve found trying not to think about much more helpful.
There is a book on this – The Mindful Way through Depression, that makes a similar point. Your mind hooks you in in depression, promising it will find a way out, but it really can’t. You’re better off dropping into the feelings and letting the move through you than trying to figure it out with your mind. You actually dig yourself in deeper and deeper by following the mind’s twisty pathways.
Anyway. I don’t explain all this, because I’m still feeling really emotional. Ron starts going on at length about his theories, which don’t make sense to me, so I ask him to stop, and he does, right away.
So I leave, cordially, saying goodbye and such. It was helpful to bridge the huge divide between myself and parts a bit more. I then had this really rough weekend, staying in bed for much of it. I don’t know if I can survive this job, I really don’t. I wish I didn’t spin out to such an extent. Why can’t I just accept that I need to keep this for a while, a few months, until I find something better? Just chill, and let the time pass.