I was thinking about my last post. First, wow, did I ever leave a lot out of my session. And second, about my distrust of my therapist currently. I’m so depressed. I think I distrust everyone at the moment. I’m seeing all the darkness, all the failures, all the disappointments. I’m not seeing the caring, the many responses I have received, the attention to me while I’m in his office. So I find some of the things he says off. It’s OK. I’m pretty sure I’d find that with anyone.

One thing I left out – I talked about how I used to be somewhat like the young silent people at work. In my twenties, I barely spoke. I’d make an exception for a very few ‘safe’ people. But I’d never speak in class, or elsewhere. I felt scared to speak to anyone. And kind of arrogant at the same time – I’d think how could people be talking about such stupid things. At the same time, I’d long to join in. I felt I didn’t know what to say to people. No one in my family ever chatted. I didn’t know how to make any kind of small talk. And my silence would build – as time went by, and I didn’t make any kind of remark, I’d become more and more self-conscious, and would feel as if my face were maybe frozen.

This was one reason I clung to a fellow misfit – my ex. He also rarely spoke to anyone and didn’t do small talk. I felt like I was the exception to his general scorn for other people – that I was the one person worth talking to. I didn’t realize his reticence was also from low self-esteem, because he was so critical of everyone. Anyway.

Now I’ve changed. I think it’s important to talk with people, and I’m no longer as afraid. I’ve figured out what some common topics are, and what it makes sense to discuss in different contexts. I’m still a bit anxious sometimes, but I can handle myself a lot better socially than I used to.

I’m also no longer drawn to people with low self-esteem. I would accept them, but wouldn’t seek them out.

I don’t know if the young people at work have the same shyness problems I did, or if they just prefer to very silently focus on their tasks. I can definitely understand either way. Just it makes me feel lonely I guess.

  1. e.Nice said:

    I can relate to this. Depression is a pretty distorted lens for ourselves, others, relationships, the world, etc. I also agree that being quiet can build on itself, become a habit and talking becomes more difficult. That reminds me of that Simon and Garfunkel song, Sound of Silence- “Fools said I do you not know, Silence like a cancer grows!”- check out the Disturbed version of that sometime πŸ™‚

    How did you change into being someone who will talk and connect with people, and even start attempting that?

    • Ellen said:

      I loved that song as a teenager – it really spoke to me. I will check out the ‘Disturbed version’ thank you.

      I think I changed by going to groups, and therapy. Lots of practice. Changing my mind as to what kept me safe. Thanks Nice.

      • I’ve never heard of the disturbed version but I going over to YouTube now.

      • Okay, I had to come back and share that was absolutely depressing. So I want to share the song that I’ve been playing over and over this week. The song that is speaking to my quietness and it comforts my little girl Word of God Speak https://youtu.be/BYu8ZyETnKo (this is a beautiful video version). See, our little girls can worship together. Love you

        • e.Nice said:

          Sorry that wasn’t too your liking! The angst and fight/anger against the silence is probably why I like it. I did like your youtube suggestion.

          • Usually I love dark stuff like that! And really it was beautiful just sad. Maybe it’s good that I’m not in a depressed place though?! πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ‘ΈπŸΌπŸ’œπŸ’œ

            • Ellen said:

              I am going right over to youtube to listen to it all. I’m sure I’ll like the songs…. Thanks for suggesting. πŸ™‚

    • Oh my goodness, I used to love that song. In my 20’s I wanted it played at my funeral if that tells you anything.

  2. What happens if you approach the younger people at work and start a conversation? Do they shy away, or do they seem to welcome the opportunity to talk? I wonder if they feel like you did when you were their age.

    • Ellen said:

      I think during the work day, they are trying to concentrate, and so don’t want to talk. But a few have made an effort to chat with me in the lunch room recently – it’s not that they dislike me. I think they are pretty shy also, and also not that comfortable with English. Thanks.

  3. Rachel said:

    I agree that when feeling mistrust, it can extend to many different people. And, I don’t think your ongoing ambivalence around Ron’s strategies is wrong.

    • Ellen said:

      I often find whatever I’m feeling elsewhere can then extend to my therapist also. Thanks Rachel.

  4. i am lucky i dont have a problem with shyness unless its in regard to meeting someone for the first time. i can see though that if nobody took the time to chat to you growing up how that would be a problem, glad you’ve worked to resolve it now though. XXX

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