Bad day

Just another fairly bad day at the new job. I kind of want to cry, but I also feel detached and numb. My one co-worker simply doesn’t speak. I get weirded out, and by the end of the day, I say goodbye softly with a bit of a wave. She doesn’t reply, just half smiles. What does that mean? It’s not OK to say goodbye?

I realize she is staying later than I am. But I don’t have that much to do. Am I supposed to stay late just for appearances, when I would just do work that I can easily do the next day?

My boss has given me almost no direction. I’m to edit these complex documents, and they do have a template I can follow for formatting, so that’s something. But there are many ways to edit – it’s certainly not black and white. I have no idea what she’s expecting. She’s an accountant from China – I can’t imagine what her idea of good editing would be. She asked me to send her what I’d done so far, and she made no comment at all.

I get this feeling of doom from her. I suspect my leaving at five is a big fat deal. I’ve stayed eight hours, but to her it’s not good enough. But – she said nine to five. I get there before nine. And I hate my time there – I just can’t wait to get out of there. I make it from half hour to half hour. Staying an extra half an hour feels awful to me.

I don’t know what’s wrong there. Why people are so very silent. I’ve been trying to fit in by also being silent, except to say good morning to a fellow who works at the next cubicle, in IT. But I’m not letting my anxiety get the best of me, not asking questions the way I often do. I feel good about that, about being able to be self-contained. But then it tips over into being afraid to say anything to anyone. It’s just so weird.

Well, what can you do. I must work to eat, as they say. I’m still considering giving my two weeks’ notice, but it would be more mature to try and wait it out a few weeks and see what happens. One thing about big corporations – wait five minutes, and something changes.

I want to write about my session Saturday. Once I feel less exhausted. Otherwise it will dissolve and I won’t remember a thing.

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13 comments
  1. leb105 said:

    Hey, sounds brutal!! Like working with your mom! I can’t believe it’s okay to be like that with a new person. Can you create your own environment with headphones? Something personal or pretty to look at?

    • Ellen said:

      Lol. Kinda like working with my mom. Hmm…..

      Writing it out made it more bearable. There are some advantages. Like not running out of small talk ever. For instance talking about the weather would be so exciting when you don’t talk about anything at all ever…. 🙂 I am listening to my iPod, and it helps. There’s not much room to put anything, but if I do settle in, I’ll bring in my small action figure toys…

      Thanks Laura. You made me smile.

  2. That sounds really tough, and I know the silence triggers memories of getting the silent treatment, so especially not easy.

    • Ellen said:

      Yeah, silence for me spells danger, when in reality, it doesn’t have to be dangerous. And really, it’s much easier to work when people are quiet. It is tough for me, thank you.

  3. Ugh. This sounds really hard. I’m glad you have been able to contain it somewhat and realize it’s them, not you. I think the silence is weird and I would really struggle with that. I hope it gets more comfortable for you. And if you choose to put in your 2 weeks, that’s okay. It doesn’t reflect badly on you.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Alice. I realized more today that it is them mostly – it’s a very particular culture there that I’m not used to.

  4. Rachel said:

    Ellen, I have to say, you have a knack for finding the most bizarre work situations. Is it your city? The water? I was so wanting this to be smooth for you.

    • Ellen said:

      I do have a knack, don’t I? He he. Thought the common denominator here is me…. Thanks, you made me smile Rachel.

      • Rachel said:

        Ha ha, glad it made you smile. Hoped it wasn’t offensive. I really don’t think it is you.

  5. e.Nice said:

    I am sorry. That is so weird and hard. Seriously. I hope it gets better, that all those people are also having bad days and will be able to act normal soon…. not sure how likely that is 🙂 Keep sane my friend!

    • Ellen said:

      It is kind of weird. I actually don’t think they’re having bad days, but it seems like this is the culture at this place. Thanks Nice.

  6. it sounds like its not a great environment to be working in. your more mature than me then more determined because if i was in your position i’d have handed in my notice. i am very social though, i dont think i could stand the silence. XX

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