Just another fairly bad day at the new job. I kind of want to cry, but I also feel detached and numb. My one co-worker simply doesn’t speak. I get weirded out, and by the end of the day, I say goodbye softly with a bit of a wave. She doesn’t reply, just half smiles. What does that mean? It’s not OK to say goodbye?
I realize she is staying later than I am. But I don’t have that much to do. Am I supposed to stay late just for appearances, when I would just do work that I can easily do the next day?
My boss has given me almost no direction. I’m to edit these complex documents, and they do have a template I can follow for formatting, so that’s something. But there are many ways to edit – it’s certainly not black and white. I have no idea what she’s expecting. She’s an accountant from China – I can’t imagine what her idea of good editing would be. She asked me to send her what I’d done so far, and she made no comment at all.
I get this feeling of doom from her. I suspect my leaving at five is a big fat deal. I’ve stayed eight hours, but to her it’s not good enough. But – she said nine to five. I get there before nine. And I hate my time there – I just can’t wait to get out of there. I make it from half hour to half hour. Staying an extra half an hour feels awful to me.
I don’t know what’s wrong there. Why people are so very silent. I’ve been trying to fit in by also being silent, except to say good morning to a fellow who works at the next cubicle, in IT. But I’m not letting my anxiety get the best of me, not asking questions the way I often do. I feel good about that, about being able to be self-contained. But then it tips over into being afraid to say anything to anyone. It’s just so weird.
Well, what can you do. I must work to eat, as they say. I’m still considering giving my two weeks’ notice, but it would be more mature to try and wait it out a few weeks and see what happens. One thing about big corporations – wait five minutes, and something changes.
I want to write about my session Saturday. Once I feel less exhausted. Otherwise it will dissolve and I won’t remember a thing.