And…I’m now very stressed. Writing the previous post gave me a bit of energy, but also intensified my feelings. I then wrote an email to Ron, describing how I’m not doing well. I’d hoped he would reply, but he didn’t. Now he may still reply, tomorrow sometime, or he may not. I didn’t ask for a response.
I guess since I took the risk of emailing him, because I feel so low, I’m now on tenterhooks waiting to hear from him. Reaching out intensifies how needy I feel. It makes me less shut down, I guess in the hope that he would care. But I so often feel bad after therapy. I just looked at last week’s day after therapy email, and it was pretty similar to this week’s. Some details are different – different parts are involved – but otherwise the same old same old. It’s likely boring to get them.
Part of the sorrow of this is the intense isolation of it. I feel like I can’t communicate it to anyone. At the same time I’m not up for light social conversation either.
Well, I feel needy and bad and wrong for writing.
Should I write a follow-up, saying I do want to hear from him? Please? Which is always embarrassing, because I should have known in the first place I needed a response and not waited in vain for a response. Or should I wait, hoping he will respond by tomorrow?
It’s surprising how unsafe I feel suddenly. Lethargy and depression are maybe protective – I really don’t feel much in their grip. Trying to move through it by reaching out is very painful.
Anyway, I’m not at risk for anything at all, except staying in my apartment forever. I don’t SH, I’m not addicted to anything really, I am not self-destructive. The worst I’ll do is skip a few meals because I can’t bear to cook anything. Wow.
I still wish he’d write back. I may be boring, I may be old, but, I am still a person and I’d still like him to respond to me.
Well, I’m going to have a glass of wine and go finish my mystery novel. It’s a plan. I’ll sit on whether to write an extra plea for a response.