Tonight I’ve been obsessively looking at therapist websites. How on earth do you pick one? How can you know if they are the magic person that can help? Beyond checking that they list trauma and ptsd as a specialty, and maybe also dissociative disorders.
Ron lists dissociative disorders as a specialty on his site also. At least on the Psychology Today site he does, where I guess he’s prompted by a template. On his personal site, he says he doesn’t specialize, because each client is unique.
Oh me oh my. Do I go by whether I respond to their picture? Is this online dating? Or whether I respond to their words? Someone may have little gift for good writing, yet be a very good trauma therapist, I’m sure. Essentially, they tend to say the same sorts of things anyway.
Do I try and see someone expensive, maybe every two weeks? Does the expense of the therapist equal skill?
Flipping through these sites does seem to fulfill a need, without the risk of actually talking to anyone.
Clearly, my last session did not go that well. I’m full of doubts, not so much about Ron’s competence as a therapist overall, but whether he knows how to help with dissociative parts. He’d never heard the term DDNOS when I told him about it. He says he doesn’t follow all the ins and outs of the DSM. Shouldn’t he at least know about this, even if he doesn’t believe in diagnosis?
At the same time….I do feel angry with him, and also needy I suppose. I’m not sure what the anger is about really. It feels somewhat like anger I tend to have with men – resentful, hurt somehow.
Last session we did talk for a while about what happens to me after sessions – why I feel so terrible. He seems to think it’s because parts have lost their chance to talk to him for a whole week, and are sad. No way is that the reason. Even if they feel like that, it wouldn’t cause the complete shut down that happens.
This time, V. spoke at the end of the session. She was just hugely sad, with a heavy, dark kind of sadness. She didn’t cry though, and nothing seemed traumatic. But today, I spent most of the day in bed. I was so sad, and just couldn’t think normally. I didn’t remember anything in particular – it was more like a state. It didn’t seem like feeling to me though, really. More like depression. Feeling seems more fluid to me, like I’m a person having a feeling, while this was more like an overwhelming state of being.
I still think I’m being taken over by a part’s feelings.
Is this a good thing to keep doing? I have no idea. It’s been a few years now, and I’m not sure this is getting better. I emailed Ron in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep, and he didn’t reply. I didn’t ask for a reply, so I guess it’s OK, but it didn’t help either.
It’s as if the therapy is keeping me from making my life better, because I’m always dealing with the fall out of the therapy. Once I add work into the equation, there’s almost nothing left.
I’m feeling negative. I don’t understand what’s happening, I just know it feels bad.