Happier

I am very happy to have a few weeks off. Unfortunately I started doing too much too soon and so am again sick. Sickish. My legs ache, like from the flu, and I don’t have much physical energy and need to rest. That kind of lack of energy is similar to depression, so I could be tempted to push myself and do more. However. It’s really physical. I did more, and backslid entirely. Plus I feel fairly positive, glad that I can rest when I need to.

I’ve got a bunch of stuff done last week when I was better. I got my eyes checked and got new glasses. Basically let myself be guided by the salesperson there. I’m wondering if the glasses are way too large? I know they are now more in style – they just seem quite big, and I have a small face. I spent an awful lot on them – glasses are not cheap. I could have saved maybe $100 dollars on the frames by going cheaper, but what the heck. I wear them all the time – they are important. The new ones are matte black (the matte is a feature, apparently) with a wood-like brown design on the arms. There you go. I am proud of my glasses.

Got the car in for a long overdue oil change, and washed it. Bought some new business clothes for new job, in order to make a good impression and feel confident. These things matter. I have enough troubles with anxiety, I don’t want to look as if I’m not doing well or don’t care. I’ll never be super interested in style, but I need decent clothes to play this part.

Today I sat in the library for a while reading magazines. Kind of luxurious, to have the time to do something so frivolous. I’m hoping to get enough energy back to buy a rug, coffee table and some shelves for my apartment. I’d like it to feel cozier and more functional. I know I won’t have the energy once I’m working, so hopefully, if I rest and eat lots of garlic and ginger, I’ll be able to do at least some of this.

Ron is back and I’ll see him on Friday. Which is my birthday. I was wanting to switch the day, but he’s booked up apparently. He forgot to hold a spot for me for my regular Thursday, which felt pretty bad for a few hours, but I got over it. I actually wanted to try and be happy on my birthday, but it was not to be. Therapy tends not to be a happy time for some reason.

The short discussion we had at our check-in last week got me thinking. I’ve been concerned about how badly I do after most sessions for a while. I just cannot afford to be out of commission two days of the week, while I try and recover from therapy. In order to address this, I have to know the cause of the trouble. I’d assumed it was to do with parts – they keep going, somehow, after being called up in therapy, so to speak. I get a bit of them in session, but then I get hit with a lot of other emotions they have later. The emotions being so severe, I cannot cope with anything besides that.

Ron raised the idea that it’s to do with my relationship to him, maybe. Or general loneliness? I don’t think it’s loneliness, otherwise why does it occur only after sessions. And it doesn’t feel like loneliness. But something about my relationship to him? Hard to say. On blogs that concentrate on the therapist / client relationship, this can cause a lot of turmoil. But wouldn’t I know about it if that was the problem?

I still rather think it’s parts. I’d actually rather it wasn’t, but nothing else is convincing. In any case, that’s something we could discuss more.

The other subject for discussion could be my fears about the new job. Specifically my tendency to anger and defensiveness. How to help myself so I don’t get hijacked by anger and hurt my relationships.

 

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20 comments
  1. I’m glad that you’re having a fairly good few days. πŸ™‚ Good luck on figuring out how to not lose 2 days a week to therapy!

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Cat. As to the two days – do you mean it’s par for the course, losing two days, or do you mean, just, yeah, it seems like I should be able to figure it out and not lose them so often? Just wondering.

      • I mean that I think that it is a goal that would greatly improve the quality of your life. The good luck wish was genuine, not sarcastic.

        • Ellen said:

          Oh, I’d never think you were sarcastic Cat – that’s not your personality at all. I’m just trying to puzzle out whether it’s realistic to not lose the days based on others’ experiences…Thanks for the good wish!

          • I have gotten better about being less wiped out the day after a session, but I’m still generally pretty exhausted and feel like things are working through multiple layers the day of the session.

  2. Happy early birthday! I’m glad things have been better the last few days. I also wear glasses, and really love getting new frames. Like you said, we wear them all the time, might as well be a nice pair! πŸ™‚

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you Alice. Us glasses wearers need to stick together. πŸ™‚

  3. Happy birthday early! I hope you have a great day. It sounds like you have a lot to discuss with Ron. I hope all of that goes well. XX

  4. Happy birthday on Friday. I know with therapy it won’t be so fun….maybe celebrate the day before so you can enjoy a day celebrating your progress. Sometimes when I work hard on solving why I did what I did, I would forget that all that work there was progress happening. Cheering for you.

    I also found the day or two after a session exhausting. No great words of wisdom on how to feel better, just wanted you to know you are not alone on feeling worst trying to feel better. Hugs, Ruth

    • Ellen said:

      Maybe I should celebrate the day before – the day after may be a wash after all. Yeah. And it’s true, there has been slow s l o w progress.

      Good to know i’m not alone. Hugs Ruth

  5. Rachel said:

    Hooray for new clothes and glasses! I bet they look great on you. Also, I think it is realistic to not lose two days to therapy. In my better, more regulated moments, I don’t lose time after therapy. I have heard you say the same, in some of your posts. It is hard to remember when the downward spiral happens for frequently. Glad you’re enthused about the new job, I feel alot of optimism on your behalf. It sounds to be a more stable fit for where you are in your life and therapeutic process.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks. πŸ™‚ Hope so.

      I’m not sure if it’s realistic or not. I’m aiming for a sad few hours but then being OK. Because dissociation is my main problem, it does make sense that lessening the dissociation involves large amounts of pain and sorrow. Still, I really need less down time following.

      I’m happy about the job, yes. I just need to stay in one place now for a year or two at least, so I can worry about other things than learning a whole new environment. We can only cope with a certain amount of stress, and if I can eliminate any from my job situation, that might mean I can put more energy into therapy. Optimally.

  6. I believe it has everything to do with your parts, you losing days after therapy. This happened to me often, in the beginning of my therapy. My T and I worked diligently to help me ground my parts prior to leaving the session, and reminding me that I, ultimately was in charge of them. Not in a negative way, but to remind them that you need to be able to function, work, etc. Do you journal or communicate with them? Just a thought. Hope your birthday was great!

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, probably. BTW, I don’t lose time – I have DDNOS, with no time loss. I just mean I can’t really function in the days after therapy. Glad you found a way to deal with this, and grounding sounds good. I have tried journaling but don’t seem to get that much out of it. Thanks for commenting!

      • Oh, that makes sense. Sorry. Do you and your T leave enough time to process before you leave? Just wondering…

        • Ellen said:

          No worries. Your comment still makes perfect sense, I just wanted to be clear. I think maybe we don’t process that much before I leave, but lately he has been trying to ground me. However I still get overwhelmed at home after. Just wondering – how do you feel at home, after your intense therapy sessions? Does it take a long time to recover?

          • Not long ago, I would leave there, switch, lose time, drink and smoke somewhere. I can’t stand the smell of smoke LOL. I am fortunate enough to work for two therapists, as an office manager. So if I can get to work, I usually do well. If they have time, they process with me. I can’t be alone afterwards-is what I’m saying. I will call someone, if those options aren’t available.

            • Ellen said:

              What a helpful kind of a job to have in this situation! I work for banks, and no one is going to be processing anything with me there, lol.

              I really understand not wanting to be alone after. I sometimes think if I had anyone to be with me or help me after therapy, I’d do a lot better. Good to know you also don’t automatically feel great after sessions though – makes me feel less alone. Therapy can be tough, but being alone after is brutal sometimes.

              Thanks for chatting!

  7. e.Nice said:

    I am glad you were feeling happier. Sounds like you got lots done and that feels good. Figuring out what is causing the two day down sounds like a good idea. For me the longer I have been going to therapy, the longer the recovery seems to take. It just seems like exhaustion. Hope you are able to figure it out soon.

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