I am very happy to have a few weeks off. Unfortunately I started doing too much too soon and so am again sick. Sickish. My legs ache, like from the flu, and I don’t have much physical energy and need to rest. That kind of lack of energy is similar to depression, so I could be tempted to push myself and do more. However. It’s really physical. I did more, and backslid entirely. Plus I feel fairly positive, glad that I can rest when I need to.
I’ve got a bunch of stuff done last week when I was better. I got my eyes checked and got new glasses. Basically let myself be guided by the salesperson there. I’m wondering if the glasses are way too large? I know they are now more in style – they just seem quite big, and I have a small face. I spent an awful lot on them – glasses are not cheap. I could have saved maybe $100 dollars on the frames by going cheaper, but what the heck. I wear them all the time – they are important. The new ones are matte black (the matte is a feature, apparently) with a wood-like brown design on the arms. There you go. I am proud of my glasses.
Got the car in for a long overdue oil change, and washed it. Bought some new business clothes for new job, in order to make a good impression and feel confident. These things matter. I have enough troubles with anxiety, I don’t want to look as if I’m not doing well or don’t care. I’ll never be super interested in style, but I need decent clothes to play this part.
Today I sat in the library for a while reading magazines. Kind of luxurious, to have the time to do something so frivolous. I’m hoping to get enough energy back to buy a rug, coffee table and some shelves for my apartment. I’d like it to feel cozier and more functional. I know I won’t have the energy once I’m working, so hopefully, if I rest and eat lots of garlic and ginger, I’ll be able to do at least some of this.
Ron is back and I’ll see him on Friday. Which is my birthday. I was wanting to switch the day, but he’s booked up apparently. He forgot to hold a spot for me for my regular Thursday, which felt pretty bad for a few hours, but I got over it. I actually wanted to try and be happy on my birthday, but it was not to be. Therapy tends not to be a happy time for some reason.
The short discussion we had at our check-in last week got me thinking. I’ve been concerned about how badly I do after most sessions for a while. I just cannot afford to be out of commission two days of the week, while I try and recover from therapy. In order to address this, I have to know the cause of the trouble. I’d assumed it was to do with parts – they keep going, somehow, after being called up in therapy, so to speak. I get a bit of them in session, but then I get hit with a lot of other emotions they have later. The emotions being so severe, I cannot cope with anything besides that.
Ron raised the idea that it’s to do with my relationship to him, maybe. Or general loneliness? I don’t think it’s loneliness, otherwise why does it occur only after sessions. And it doesn’t feel like loneliness. But something about my relationship to him? Hard to say. On blogs that concentrate on the therapist / client relationship, this can cause a lot of turmoil. But wouldn’t I know about it if that was the problem?
I still rather think it’s parts. I’d actually rather it wasn’t, but nothing else is convincing. In any case, that’s something we could discuss more.
The other subject for discussion could be my fears about the new job. Specifically my tendency to anger and defensiveness. How to help myself so I don’t get hijacked by anger and hurt my relationships.