It’s raining. My mood matches the weather. I accepted this job while also being angry at the way it was offered. I found it so hard to think/feel about it properly. Whenever I thought about trying to make a decision, yes or no, I’d just feel this big black ball of stress, which didn’t help me make a decision one way or the other. All I could think about was getting rid of the stress of having to decide.
I do have reasons that made taking the job at least a somewhat reasonable choice. Besides the panicked ‘needing money coming in’ feeling. I could have lasted a lot longer than four weeks looking for work without doing serious damage to my finances.
I feel I have not been doing well in my last three contracts. Well, I think the third last one wasn’t my fault – that was just a really bad manager who took against me for reasons of his own. But the other two, I think I had difficulties that were largely my fault. I need to handle my anger and defensiveness. I would get overwhelmed with anger about what someone did, usually a boss, though not always, and then I would fight. There must be a better way.
The last contract was chaotic. Yes, the managers there were also at fault. But I didn’t help matters.
I remember having full-time jobs, about a decade ago, and doing an average job in one, but in another two cases, basically being fired. I believe these problems were basically interpersonal. I do have excellent professional type writing qualifications and did well in school, so I don’t think it was my skills.
I need to get on top of anger and defensiveness, without becoming subservient or a door mat. My thinking is that with a lower level job, I can concentrate on that aspect. Because the angry feelings become so overwhelming, it’s hard to know how to help myself. I’m thinking if maybe I can contact Ron when that happens, maybe by text or email, to give me some breathing space and time to reflect before I act, maybe that would help. I’ll talk about this with him next week.
Maybe knowing this is a problem I’m on the road to solving it.