I was offered the job after all. I did go to the Monday interview as well, also for a full-time role. I didn’t feel I wanted the job. This manager was even younger than the previous. Ironically, I felt I did a better job with the interview. I didn’t arrive at the last minute, so had lots of time to calm down and even comb my hair in the washroom. I was pretty calm for the interview. But, I don’t think we clicked and I don’t think she would have offered me the job in any case. I actually felt I was over qualified for what she was looking for.

So, once I got home, I saw I had a message from the first HR person, and when I called her back, she wanted to ‘discuss things’. She’d gotten the feedback that the director whom I met Friday wasn’t sure I was excited about the job – did I really want it? I told the HR person yes, that I’d been tired and still sick by the time I got to see this director. So she went back, and they offered it to me as temp to perm. So then it came to salary discussions. Yuck.

I had to phone back this morning with a number I was ‘comfortable with’. I was so f’ing scared to phone her, but eventually I did it. I named my price, and now she’s ‘seeing what she can do’. Some back and forth is happening.

I can’t quite believe it. It’s that easy to suddenly be employed full-time? I got this job while still recovering from a damn flu, just four days after my contract ended? WTF?

I am happy. At the same time, I’ve been upset and anxious. I don’t feel I deserve it. I remember all the things that have gone wrong for me when working. Why would these guys want me, and at a good salary too? Even when I was completely out to lunch, as I was on Friday.

Feeling deserving is difficult. It feels unfamiliar. I know a bunch of stress and crap will hit once I’m actually working – it always does. My interpersonal stuff will come up. I’ll be too sensitive, too worried, too angry. But it will be good to have some potential stability too, right? As long as it doesn’t all go pear-shaped. Sigh.

I also like the benefits. One, I need to get massage for my shoulder/arm/hand issues from computer use. Two, I cannot get private disability insurance because of the cancer. So I’ll have that, from my job. So if the cancer were to return, I’d have some money coming in if I had to take a lot of time off work. That’s been a fear of mine since I had it, and that will be soothed by having these benefits.

I hope it is all OK. Yes, this director scares me – she seems fierce and driven. However, she is not my boss – my boss seems good. Young, but seems intelligent and kind of nice. Nya ha ha…little do I know, from my one short meeting with her. We shall see.

So, that’s the news. It’s good.

  1. Rachel said:

    Ellen, this is great news! Also evidence to the contrary of the stories your mind tells you (how it went Friday). I like your transparency with her about being sick on Friday. That seems like a good start to this new environment being once in which you can be yourself and find acceptance and appreciation for who you are and what you have to offer. Because you have a lot to offer whomever you work with/for.

  2. Awesome!!!! It is tough to feel like you deserve a job, good days, and other wonderful stuff. Your words, “I don’t deserve it.” Jumped out at me. How often I said that to myself? I am hoping the job turns out as good as you think it will be. High five.

  3. Every once in a while stuff just works out. The universe just hands you something nice. If that helps. 🙂

    I’m so glad.

  4. Yay! I’m so happy you were offered the job you wanted. And you do deserve it!

  5. e.Nice said:

    I’m glad you can feel happy about it, that can be difficult at times. I am happy for you and think you should have some cake to celebrate 🙂 I think the stability could be really beneficial. Are you over the flu yet?

  6. You do deserve this job! And boy your quick off the mark, you dont sit around you do what it takes to get work. Well done be proud. XX

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