Want to get down my session from last Thursday before I forget it all. I’ve had a rough few days trying to recover. Yesterday I stayed in bed mostly and didn’t leave the house at all. Finally at the end of the day I decided to send Ron an email about how I was feeling. I didn’t have that strong pull to do so, but I thought maybe it would help. And it did. Just telling someone else what was going on, someone who could understand, helped. I suddenly had a bit of energy. He replied almost right away. The reply was one sentence, plus a scheduling issue. Whatever. Not an in depth response, but I’ll take it.
Today I thought was going to be better, but I have gone back to bed a few times. I need to get out and get groceries, and just get some air. I’m still sick, with that post-flu fatigue. Plus struggling with body memories. At least I am reading a good novel, not a mystery, but a real novel. It’s touching my heart. The story is about a young black city girl who is taken under the wing of a white couple who live in the country. The way the author describes their emotions, shifting the point of view back and forth between these two characters, is pretty amazing. Both points of view, that of the woman and of the girl, are given equal attention. I like that I’m not reading about violence, and that something emotional can hold my interest.
The session. Most of it is taken up with talking about my daily life. We talk about my contract ending, about my last meeting with the director, about my mixed feelings about him. Ron looks taken aback by what I say, and points out that I seem to be going from hating him, to liking him, and that it’s confusing. I talk about how I found some things about this boss attractive – the way he wants to communicate, for instance. And that he was fairly kind in our last meeting. And the way he seemed to like me.
So he communicates with anger? Ron asks. Well, not just that, I say. Though it’s true, he was angry some of the time. He did remind me of my father – my father also wants to communicate, at least about some things, he is emotional, they are the same type somehow. Odd how I didn’t see that from the start.
I think this discussion about the director is what caused me to switch. Earlier, Ron brought up the parts – did I want to let them speak this time. There didn’t seem to be the push for them to speak as in former sessions. However, I let B. pop out and she chatted. Then I was back for adult conversation.
Somehow or other, with this discussion about the director, and how I always felt our interactions were fraught with significance somehow, and then to my father, I switched into really young feelings. I’d been saying how my father had been both nurturing to me as a small child, and also critical….And I’m not sure how it happened, but then I was B, and crying every time I tried to say something.
It was almost time to go, so Ron pretty much right away started trying to ground me back to the room. He asked me to feel my feet, feel my back against the couch, feel my legs. It’s unusual for him – he used to basically go with whatever came up right to the bell, so to speak, but this time he didn’t do that. I guess my talk of grounding before ending a session really made an impression, because I was in no shape to think about anything at all, especially not about grounding.
I didn’t much like it at the time, because I felt like I was being put back into a box. But I could also see I needed to leave, and so needed to switch back somehow. All the talk of feet and legs and back though spoke very much to B, as she responds very well to these simple ideas, and is happy she can. Which is good, but also doesn’t encourage her to switch out. Anyway, I partially switched back, and so left, wiping tears off my face right at the door in case there were people in the waiting room, which there were.
So that was it. I think the problem is, once that child part is activated, a bunch of crap comes swimming up – it’s all of a package. So at home, I have body memories, and on Saturday I ended up so dissociated I was unable to feel anything for a while.
It’s frustrating that this happens. I’m not sure it helps either. Now I’ve been through a bunch of sadness and helplessness and memories – does that mean they won’t come back? I don’t think so necessarily. I need to figure out how to make this helpful. How can I try to ensure this is moving me forward, and not just triggering me uselessly.