Well, I went for a job interview today and I think I screwed it up. Actually I went to two, for the same job. First one, I saw the hiring manager. A very young woman with an MBA. I got there with not a minute to spare, due to being dissociated and missing the stop, then also having a problem on one of the lines.
I was so very tense. I answered her questions and tried to be enthusiastic. They really wanted me for the job, according to the recruiter. I have a really good resume that fits what they need, and they’ve been looking for a while. She pretty well felt I was a shoe-in. So I sat there, trying hard, telling myself positive things. Never got a really positive mood happening, as all I could feel was fear, which is not conducive to building a connection.
However. By the time I got home, the recruiter had called, could I come in that afternoon for a second interview with the woman’s boss. Phew. She liked me. They still wanted me.
Now I should have said no, can we postpone until next week. I am so f’ing depressed still from therapy yesterday, I barely made it out there in the first place. Plus still somewhat sick. But – I said sure. Sure I can do it. And so I stumbled out again.
This time the interview was with the managing director, though I didn’t know it at the time. She was super skinny and maybe late thirties, hard to tell. She didn’t ask me a lot of questions. She talked a lot, and I tried to be agreeable.
I think my depression shone through. I don’t think she liked me. And I was already a shoe-in, approved by the manager and the HR person. She wondered if I’d be able to keep up with the work load. She was non-committal when she walked me to the door. I didn’t get a good feeling.
I wish I’d tried to postpone my therapy until after the damn interview. I have this mental illness – it’s not always uppermost, but when it gets triggered, it’s just impossible to hide. I try so hard to keep it away from my working life, always going Fridays or Saturdays if I can so I have time to recover. I get so far down, I just need to stay in bed.
So, why didn’t I try to switch it around. I don’t know. Sometimes therapy does not trigger me, as in the last two times I went. This time though, back to the usual crap, plunging into parts, and then I just can’t deal. I feel angry, angry with Ron too that he did this. Though i know he didn’t really. I think this job would be a good thing. Full time, predictable, not menial either. Aaggh. I think if I’d been feeling well, I would’ve nailed it.
I have another interview for a lesser job Monday. By that time, I’ll be feeling better again. It’s not the one I wanted, it’s a whole grade lower, but I’ll go and try once again.
I feel so depressed. And at the same time, who knows. Maybe my perceptions are not right. But this woman was not encouraging in any way, and I don’t think that’s her personality. Maybe I was slouching and not seeming interested.
Aagghhhhh. This mental problem really affects my life a lot. I cannot hide it. I am not able to put on a mask for the world, where no one would ever guess I had issues. Not when issues are on the upswing. So many bloggers seem able to do that no question, and I can’t.