Well, I went for a job interview today and I think I screwed it up. Actually I went to two, for the same job. First one, I saw the hiring manager. A very young woman with an MBA. I got there with not a minute to spare, due to being dissociated and missing the stop, then also having a problem on one of the lines.

I was so very tense. I answered her questions and tried to be enthusiastic. They really wanted me for the job, according to the recruiter. I have a really good resume that fits what they need, and they’ve been looking for a while. She pretty well felt I was a shoe-in. So I sat there, trying hard, telling myself positive things. Never got a really positive mood happening, as all I could feel was fear, which is not conducive to building a connection.

However. By the time I got home, the recruiter had called, could I come inย  that afternoon for a second interview with the woman’s boss. Phew. She liked me. They still wanted me.

Now I should have said no, can we postpone until next week. I am so f’ing depressed still from therapy yesterday, I barely made it out there in the first place. Plus still somewhat sick. But – I said sure. Sure I can do it. And so I stumbled out again.

This time the interview was with the managing director, though I didn’t know it at the time. She was super skinny and maybe late thirties, hard to tell. She didn’t ask me a lot of questions. She talked a lot, and I tried to be agreeable.

I think my depression shone through. I don’t think she liked me. And I was already a shoe-in, approved by the manager and the HR person. She wondered if I’d be able to keep up with the work load. She was non-committal when she walked me to the door. I didn’t get a good feeling.

I wish I’d tried to postpone my therapy until after the damn interview. I have this mental illness – it’s not always uppermost, but when it gets triggered, it’s just impossible to hide. I try so hard to keep it away from my working life, always going Fridays or Saturdays if I can so I have time to recover. I get so far down, I just need to stay in bed.

So, why didn’t I try to switch it around. I don’t know. Sometimes therapy does not trigger me, as in the last two times I went. This time though, back to the usual crap, plunging into parts, and then I just can’t deal. I feel angry, angry with Ron too that he did this. Though i know he didn’t really. I think this job would be a good thing. Full time, predictable, not menial either. Aaggh. I think if I’d been feeling well, I would’ve nailed it.

I have another interview for a lesser job Monday. By that time, I’ll be feeling better again. It’s not the one I wanted, it’s a whole grade lower, but I’ll go and try once again.

I feel so depressed. And at the same time, who knows. Maybe my perceptions are not right. But this woman was not encouraging in any way, and I don’t think that’s her personality. Maybe I was slouching and not seeming interested.

Aagghhhhh. This mental problem really affects my life a lot. I cannot hide it. I am not able to put on a mask for the world, where no one would ever guess I had issues. Not when issues are on the upswing. So many bloggers seem able to do that no question, and I can’t.

  1. That’s really too bad. I’m sorry that happened.

    The trauma affects my work a lot too. The kids don’t know what they’re seeing, and it isn’t really obvious. But I have very, very different classes based on how I am doing. They respond differently to to, I respond differently to them. One of the main reasons it felt really urgent to address was how it affects me in the classroom.

    I have an idea why you didn’t ask for a reschedule. It’s something I’ve noticed now that I have a lot more feelings. The feelings alert me to life in important, but small ways, and when my feelings were not being felt, I had to notice everything consciously. It was slower and harder to keep it all straight.

    One small example from this morning. I couldn’t find my comb this morning for a second. It wasn’t where I had last left, but yesterday morning, which had been a fairly good morning, I had heard it fall. Today, I remembered that when I realized it wasn’t where I had put it last. The noise of it falling had startled me, but I had been busy and not picked it up. Today, I remembered the startled feeling and I knew where it was. A month ago, I wouldn’t have felt the startled feeling and when I saw the comb not there, I would have had to search everywhere it might possibly have been. No emotion would have been there as this cue about what had happened to it.

    I’m guessing you were a little more shut down from the stress of the interview. Then when they asked if you could come in, you didn’t feel the alarm of “Oh, damn, I have therapy, this is not a good idea.” And you just said yes. The feeling didn’t get felt and it didn’t alert you to the problem.

    My guess…

    I hope the next interview goes well.

    • Ellen said:

      People at my work never know what they’re seeing either, but they guess, and the guesses aren’t too flattering to me. Could be kids are less concerned with their teacher, but I’m sure it’s difficult in different ways.

      As to the comb situation….yes, my feelings go offline the more dissociated I am. Trying to make decisions logically then (well, I have time, and it might look good if I go in right away) isn’t that helpful. Or maybe I just feel so bad no matter what, no particular relevant feelings make it through.

      Dissociation – the gift that keeps on giving. Thanks Ash.

  2. So many lie or just show up on their good days. Hugs. Sorry to hear you are feeling unsettled and the last interview was difficult. Cheering for you.

    • In the first line I was referring to bloggers that seem to be up all the time. Sorry, brain is filling in gaps for words that aren’t there.

      • Ellen said:

        Could be. I get the feeling though that many bloggers who do work, are able to have a mask in place more consistently than I am able to. Thanks for the good wishes.

  3. I hope that the interview on Monday goes well.

    As for the one you feel didn’t go well, could you send a thank you card? It always made me think twice about someone who sent a “thank you for the interview, it was lovely meeting you” card. It sounds like a lot of people there liked you and wanted you on the team, so maybe the interview isn’t unsalvageable.

    Whatever happens, I hope that you are feeling better today.

    • Ellen said:

      I was going to send a thank you email, but then when they called me back right away I forgot. I wonder if I should still send it. I only have the manager email though, and she’s already given me the thumbs up, so I’m not sure….In any case, at the moment I feel it’s fifty/fifty as to whether I’ll be offered this role or not. You’re right, I don’t think it’s unsalvageable. And, if I don’t get it, it could be for the best – maybe this director would have been difficult and the job would have been unpleasant/triggering.

      I am better two days later….Thanks Alice.

      • I’m glad you are better. I would send the email and address it to both of them. It won’t hurt. And if they do offer you the job, you don’t have to take it.

        • Ellen said:

          Maybe I will. Though I don’t have the director’s email, but I could guess. Cheers

  4. leb105 said:

    Try to leave it on the shelf until you find out! Have a good weekend….

    • Ellen said:

      I’ll try – good advice. Thanks, you too!

  5. e.Nice said:

    I really can’t know, but my gut says that while it didn’t go the way you would like, I am sure you did fine. Course I understand feeling like I could’ve done better too. If it wasn’t a match from the director, that sucks and will probably be disappointing, but its probably not from anything you did or didn’t do. I am impressed that did the second interview. Those things are so draining. Having to be on. I always have a ton of anxiety leading up to it and its just exhausting. I hope you are ok with your efforts, you really did the best you could.

    • Ellen said:

      It is exhausting for sure, plus I’m still sick with Bronchitis. I have to say, I did do the absolute best I could. Thanks Nice.

  6. Rachel said:

    Oh Ellen, I feel a lot of empathy for you. You did what you thought was right in the moment, of course hindsight gives up a different lens. But that is the decision you made (to go) and you did your best. It sucks to realize later, we could have done different, but that just isn’t how learning works. We have to hit these bumps and experience the frustration and despair to learn. I hope it wasn’t a loss, but if you didn’t get the job, that doesn’t mean you didn’t deserve it or aren’t qualified. Sorry therapy sent you into that dark scary pit again, I certainly can relate. Hang in there,

  7. And maybe it went better than you thought. Maybe not. Either way, you will get through this. Mental illness sucks. No one would have ever known about me until I actually broke down. I gave myself away and now I can’t really undo what I did. Well that’s not true. I just think I can’t. Coming back together is just so difficult. I think we are both tough on ourselves. We are not judgmental of anyone but ourselves. We do not tolerate our emotional distress well and get so angry at ourselves for being human. My T has told me that we are all a little crazy and that is normal. Sometimes I try to push it all away and sometimes I embrace who I am…which all seems unpredictable.

    • Ellen said:

      It actually did go better – they’ve offered me the position. So there you go. The director did feel I wasn’t enthusiastic, but they blamed it on my having the bad cold…. ๐Ÿ™‚

      I agree with you and your T also. Everyone is kind of crazy. It’s good to let your freak flag fly sometimes – just not so much at job interviews!

      Thanks AG

  8. I’m sorry it was not a great interview. Its hard when mental illness gets in the way. I hope the next one is better. XX

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