Dear Blog,

I feel so bad. OK, more specifically. Um…sad? Choking feelings? I went to therapy and ended up in a young part, B. And now I’m kind of switching, maybe. I feel bits of things, then they stop. Overall sad and not wanting to be alive, but that is another part also. Parts got stirred up.

Ron offered me a phone call at the end of session because I couldn’t switch out very well at all. We were trying grounding and it helped maybe but not a lot.

I don’t know if I want to phone him. Is it safe? Would it help me feel better? Or just more inclined to stay in a child part? Phoning anyone mostly scares me, and phoning him would be scary. Even though he is meaning to help me.

Today I was his first client for that day and it was weird. When I came out there were people in the waiting room and he said I had to go soon. So he didn’t want his next client to be waiting too long. At all.

Man. I think I could get the adult back if I needed to. But I don’t need to.

So I don’t know what to do. Should I write him and ask for a phone call or is it better to take care of this by myself. Even if I call him, I’ll still be by myself anyhow until next week.

Your friend B.

  1. Unless it is feeling hot where you are, I suggest warm, soft, cuddly things. Would you like a certain kind of music or a video? It is okay to be little for a while. You don’t need to do big people things exactly right now. Those things can wait until you are feeling more settled. Do you remember how you usually feel when you ask for a hone call? Does it make you feel better or worse?

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks you Ashana you are my friend. Those are good things. I like talking to Ron. Bye. Your friend B.

      Me – Thanks Ash. I got your message the next day. I’d forgotten this stuff, but I at least turned off a crime show that was upsetting this part of me and hung out in bed instead. I didn’t end up calling Ron – it felt too difficult to communicate, and just to reach out. I think part of the general memory is a feeling that no one is there, no one comes….so it makes sense I’d feel like that. Cheers

      • B, You are my friend too.

        E, Feeling no one is there to help makes a lot of sense. I am glad you survived it.

        Take care.

  2. Rachel said:

    Hi B, so wonderful to hear from you! Did you find some soothing activities? I like Ashana’s suggestions. Also, I can understand how jarring it would feel to have other people waiting after and feeling rushed or pushed out. That isn’t a good feeling. Hoping you and the adult can co-exist, so she can support you.

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you Rachel you are my friend. I listened to some music. Which I like. Your friend B.

      Me – Thanks Rachel. It was weird to have all those people waiting there, and that sense from Ron that he needed to get me out of there. Anyway. I’m luckily back and am trying to help B, at least acknowledging her. Cheers

      • Rachel said:

        I am definitely your friend. 🙂
        That would be so weird for me, too. Glad you’re acknowledging her, keep us posted on the job stuff. And all stuff, too. When you don’t post for a couple weeks, I wonder what is going on.

  3. e.Nice said:

    Hi B, I get the scared feelings about phoning people. It is very scary. I don’t think there is a right or wrong option in reaching out or not reaching out. I hope you are able to get to feeling less alone. And maybe try some more grounding stuff?

    • Ellen said:

      Hi Nice, I get scared also! But I like talking to Ron so I don’t know why we didn’t phone him we should have. Anyhow. Your friend B.

      Me – Thanks Nice. I didn’t reach out – I felt so confused, and horrible, and it was too much to think about. I’m not at all good at reaching out at the best of times. Thanks

      • e.Nice said:

        Hey B, I’m glad you like talking to Ron and I know he likes talking to you. Thanks for being my friend. I need all the friends I can get!

        Hey Ellen, I am sorry it was so much. I hope you are feeling better. I get the difficult with reaching out. Have you reached out to Ron much before?

        • Ellen said:

          My first couple years of therapy, Ron would offer a time to check in with him if the session was very chaotic/tough. I would be so scared to call him, but i pushed through, but not sure if it helped or not. A few times the sense that he was there and cared did help. Sometimes the fear was so great, it didn’t help. I have throughout though sent Ron emails describing how I feel, if it’s bad, and that often has helped. Sometimes it’s the fact that he replies, even if very briefly, sometimes just the feeling that someone out there knows what I’m going through. Long answer. 🙂 Thanks Nice

          • e.Nice said:

            sounds like the email is a good option for you, less scary then phoning? I hate phone calls so I always prefer emails or text. I’m glad you have an outlet and can feel his support, even briefly.

  4. Hi b. I hear how sad and alone you feel. I think watching some cartoons would be nice, if you like them, i read in the comments you listened to music, that sounds like fun too. XX

    • Ellen said:

      I like songs. Thanks Many, you are nice.

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