Yikes. Another day where I get up only to go back to bed. This time I think I wasn’t triggered so much by therapy as by my 12-step group.
I appreciate the group, and nothing bad happened. Some stories are hard to listen to, but I feel up for it. I guess it was my share, and then that some people seemed to have some reaction to what I shared, which, in the absence of much information, I maybe spun out in a way that scared me.
I shared about anger. My anger keeps simmering at work, and mostly out of my awareness unfortunately. Thursday I guess I was brusque and impatient in a meetings. I have little to do, so am trying to define some requirements for a project, and they were going around in circles. I don’t know. I didn’t mean to be impatient. But since then, I basically got the cold shoulder from my two team mates.
So I shared something about this, but didn’t explain, so it likely sounded as if I was maybe shouting at people, or being completely inappropriate, instead of basically inpatient.
Then therapy on Thursday was aggravating. A few times I had a strong impulse to get up and walk out. Again we had really a halting conversation, though at one point I said angrily that none of this was helping me. But I left calmly enough.
In the middle of the night, therapy felt unbearable, and I wrote Ron an angry email, saying I’m thinking of quitting. After five years, I don’t seem any better. I recommended a book to him, The Body Keeps the Score, to address his lack of knowledge of trauma. Not exactly kind or even handed. He had also hurt my feelings in that session. I had written to him that I was behaving badly at work, criticizing people. And he jumped on that, that I am critical, and I agreed, and said that I had criticized him also, and I know I have that quality. That’s a quality my father has, and I have it also. Just I don’t employ it to hurt vulnerable people, the way he did.
So I sent off this email at 3 am, and felt nothing very much after. I went back to sleep. At work the next day, I felt somewhat better – less aggressive. Though at that point, my team mates were giving me the cold shoulder, so I couldn’t demonstrate all my calmness and acceptance unfortunately.
In group, I said then that I’d sent my T this angry email criticizing his therapy. I didn’t explain much about it either. I was just trying to sort out what parts of my anger are from the past. Maybe all. Though some anger is needed in this life, as protection and warning.
After, this one guy gave me a worried look and asked me something about a task I do there. Another guy said I seem to be having a tough time. And a woman I met on the stairs said that ‘everything you said was very valid’….I don’t know. Usually no one comments about my share.
Today and last night I’ve felt afraid. I think it’s fear of abandonment. Expressions of anger or disagreement in my FOO resulted in shaming and complete ostracism. Ostracism is life threatening to a child, who depends on others for almost everything. So I can see why I would feel afraid.
Ron replied to my email Saturday morning, saying he was committed to working things through, if that is what I want. I hadn’t been thinking about him, but the email scared me. I wrote back that I no longer felt like I had, and that I’d had a better day on Friday and maybe therapy had helped with that. I apologized for the tone.
I’m also on tenterhooks wondering about my contract. It turned out E didn’t seem to have any information that my contract wasn’t being renewed. I keep fearing it won’t be….I haven’t found anything else, and am somewhat attached to this job, and the uncertainty is difficult.
Anyway. Today I’m wiped out and just want to sleep or read my light mystery novel. The world is too much. Must buy groceries. Must do laundry and cook.