Well, I’m better again.
I’ve thought about my childhood and my experience with criticism. I’m convinced my recent extreme anger and distress at work had something to do with that. Somehow I’d forgotten how painful my childhood experience was, or maybe, I never fully felt it in the first place. Those feelings of just being destroyed by criticism are devastating.
I am real tired – back to not sleeping properly at night.
I wish I hadn’t acted out the anger at work. The tricky thing is a bunch of crappy stuff really did happen at work. They fiddled and fuddled and went in circles – that wasn’t my imagination. However, it should not have been my role to get furiously angry – patience was called for. I can see it now, but I couldn’t see it at the time. So the pain of the therapy and the lost days maybe is worth it in insight gained. Maybe I won’t make the same mistakes next time, who knows.
However, it really does look like my contract will not be renewed. I’ve been getting signs and signals, today another one. I’ve been hoping not – I really don’t want to start all over again somewhere else. But, at last tonight I updated my resume and posted it. I must have work of course.
The director of my group has been so negative about my document. He seemed quite angry in fact. I took it to be his micro-managing personality. Hard to say. Plus he looked at me a few times as if I’d just drowned all his kittens – just such a sad, reproachful look. Whatever.
I think they’ve changed their minds about having the two of us contractors there. We are an expense, and they’ve decided to shut us down. I suspect I’ll get told the news tomorrow.
I felt sad and bereft, and as if I’d failed, when I first realized. I didn’t help anything with my reactions. However, it’s unlikely it’s about me. Now I’ve recovered my spirits quite a bit. At least I basically know and have made my peace with it. There were a lot of annoyances that weren’t going to go away, so at least I’ll get away from those.
I think a huge problem for the project was the dual reporting. Although E reports in to K, they have very different jobs – E in compliance, and K in IT. K gave the responsibility for the project to E, but in the end didn’t trust him. I make a point to loop in clients very early in the project – they should never be surprised by a product. But, I was told E was the person to consult. So I consulted with E, every step of the way. He certainly was abreast of everything. But clearly, he was not communicating with K. Now K has stepped in, and hates the product. So we get the chop. E will not take any responsibility. And to be fair, E has way more to lose than a pair of temporary contractors.
So it’s OK. I’m feeling exhausted with all the emotion I’ve been through. I’m OK with the job ending. I know I’ll find another.