Well, I’m better again.

I’ve thought about my childhood and my experience with criticism. I’m convinced my recent extreme anger and distress at work had something to do with that. Somehow I’d forgotten how painful my childhood experience was, or maybe, I never fully felt it in the first place. Those feelings of just being destroyed by criticism are devastating.

I am real tired – back to not sleeping properly at night.

I wish I hadn’t acted out the anger at work. The tricky thing is a bunch of crappy stuff really did happen at work. They fiddled and fuddled and went in circles – that wasn’t my imagination. However, it should not have been my role to get furiously angry – patience was called for. I can see it now, but I couldn’t see it at the time. So the pain of the therapy and the lost days maybe is worth it in insight gained. Maybe I won’t make the same mistakes next time, who knows.

However, it really does look like my contract will not be renewed. I’ve been getting signs and signals, today another one. I’ve been hoping not – I really don’t want to start all over again somewhere else. But, at last tonight I updated my resume and posted it. I must have work of course.

The director of my group has been so negative about my document. He seemed quite angry in fact. I took it to be his micro-managing personality. Hard to say. Plus he looked at me a few times as if I’d just drowned all his kittens – just such a sad, reproachful look. Whatever.

I think they’ve changed their minds about having the two of us contractors there. We are an expense, and they’ve decided to shut us down. I suspect I’ll get told the news tomorrow.

I felt sad and bereft, and as if I’d failed, when I first realized. I didn’t help anything with my reactions. However, it’s unlikely it’s about me. Now I’ve recovered my spirits quite a bit. At least I basically know and have made my peace with it. There were a lot of annoyances that weren’t going to go away, so at least I’ll get away from those.

I think a huge problem for the project was the dual reporting. Although E reports in to K, they have very different jobs – E in compliance, and K in IT. K gave the responsibility for the project to E, but in the end didn’t trust him. I make a point to loop in clients very early in the project – they should never be surprised by a product. But, I was told E was the person to consult. So I consulted with E, every step of the way. He certainly was abreast of everything. But clearly, he was not communicating with K. Now K has stepped in, and hates the product. So we get the chop. E will not take any responsibility. And to be fair, E has way more to lose than a pair of temporary contractors.

So it’s OK. I’m feeling exhausted with all the emotion I’ve been through. I’m OK with the job ending. I know I’ll find another.

  1. leb105 said:

    Hi E,
    great perspective-taking! I’m glad you’ve weathered the storm in good shape. Do you address the angry episode – to acknowledge the part that was your stuff, versus the fucked-upness that is theirs? The document approval process sounds like a set-up for failure, as you say. Sounds like K doesn’t realize that his idea of a good document isn’t the only idea – so he left it up to someone else when he shouldn’t have. It seems as if he doesn’t like negotiating the changes – instead he takes any divergence from what he wants as a personal affront!

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks. 🙂 No, I guess I didn’t address it, but I did apologize once, two weeks ago. It’s borderline stuff – mostly where I shoot my mouth off and the wrong people could overhear. At workplaces, people do talk, and you need to stay calm, which I struggle with. I don’t shout at anyone, or insult anyone.

      Yeah, it’s hard with directors. K is intelligent but difficult. I guess he has trouble with delegating, and doesn’t have any insight into what makes a good document, and that they have different purposes. Anyhow. He seems to have calmed down now, but is not happy. I have to keep in mind it’s just not about me.

  2. e.Nice said:

    I am glad you are feeling better. I hope the next job is more tenable with a project that is adequately managed. I find I’m pretty defensive about my work, not very good at taking feedback or criticism and can interpret even well meaning suggestions as full on attacks. However, if I have a good relationship with the individual then its not so bad, feels more like collaboration. Are you able to build work relationships generally?

    • Ellen said:

      I kind of can build work relationships but it’s not my strength. And that sometimes goes out the window a bit when I feel they’re being stupid about the work. I don’t really know….Thanks for telling how you relate, a bit.

  3. Rachel said:

    Unbalanced sleep makes everything so much harder, especially managing emotions. Hoping the next contract is less of a headache for you. Work is hard enough.

  4. Cheering for you. Sounds like you have a great perspective on the situation. Not taking responsibility is a huge step for a survivor. Hugs.

  5. so glad you feel better. you seem much happier too. i noticed your lifted spirits. you seem lighter like this is a weight off of your chest. you’ll find something else as you said at the end. x

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