The weekend was a wash. I had therapy Saturday morning, and couldn’t get it together the rest of the weekend. Nothing got done – laundry, cooking, cleaning – nothing. Not at all sure what happened to make this so intense. I discussed bits of work and bits of family stuff. I did not get wildly upset in session.
I did feel extremely lonely and disconnected all weekend. I emailed Ron twice – the first to say how I felt, to which he didn’t reply. Not that I blame him, after how I responded to his reply of last week. Then Sunday evening, to say the weekend had been overwhelmingly awful, and I needed to keep things in bounds more, because I must work, I must function enough to do the basics. To which he replied that he has some kind of idea about what happens for me, and we can discuss at the beginning of my next session.
I am full of distrust for Ron. I’m not functioning very well in the first place. Then when I go for a session, I fall apart completely. It’s not hard for me to feel bad. It’s more of a process for me to feel capable and in some kind of control.
I went in feeling OK. I realize I was shutting off a bunch of upsetting emotions, however, after feeling terrible all week, I would take that. At least I could cope.
I suppose somewhere in our discussion a bunch of really crappy feelings were set loose. I didn’t even notice at the time – typical dissociater. It didn’t seem that rough. Then at home, wham, I am not longer a functional adult.
I know I was criticized a lot as a child. My father is a perfectionist and he criticizes. I suppose children were seen as an extension of the parents, and not so much as separate beings with feelings and needs that should be taken into account. I’ve never not known this – it’s not news. So mentioning it in the context of why all the work reviews are bothering me didn’t seem epic in any way.
So bottom line, I don’t know what happened. I have no confidence that Ron has any kind of explanation that fits. I completely distrust him at this point.
I’ve taken today off so I will at least do some laundry and maybe even vacuum. Maybe I’ll get my missing sense of humour back also. I know Ron has helped in the past, I just can’t remember that feeling.