Therapy Saturday 1

Slept in this morning, so did not make the effort to go to church. I’d been sleeping better the last two days, but last night was rough again, as stuff got stirred up by yesterday’s session.

Not sure how much I can bear to write about. We didn’t get into abuse with a capital A, but there was enough discussion of crappy family dynamics to plunge me into feelings of sadness, worthlessness, anger, and all the other great stuff therapy brings to the surface.

I went in feeling quite good – kind of clear and bright. I’d slept well, which never happens, and parts were all firmly battened down. Ron had a cold, and I told him he could’ve cancelled, as I’m doing OK, but he said it was fine.

I tried to give parts some space early in the session, but they were hard to access. B will always say something, but it was just chat this time.

I talked mostly about work. Conversation was a bit halting – nothing caught fire. I wondered how come I was so very distressed about the work situation earlier in the week, but now at this moment, it all seemed OK, and I could see some humour in it. Ron wondered if this was because of parts. I said that I seem to be in my adult state when I’m discussing it. Ron said maybe it’s different kinds of parts – more of an emotional stance that sees things one way, rather than child parts. I say maybe. I am always taken aback by how completely differently I can view situations from day to day, and sometimes from hour to hour. It becomes difficult to know what actions are best when my views change so drastically.

The last few days, there had been meetings with our actual boss, K about the same darn document. He was extremely critical, just attacking without having taken the time to review it before the meeting. For some reason though, this didn’t upset me as much as E’s perpetual reviewing did. I like K. It doesn’t feel great, but somehow I am not as bent out of shape as I was getting with other people.

I tell Ron it seems like some kind of internal family drama was activated last week, leading me to get so very upset about work. After all, no one is dying. My job is in order for me to live, it’s not a high-powered career.

I tell Ron how on the way to see him, I turned on a classical music station, and at first was enjoying the piano piece on the radio. Then the music reminded me of my parents, as classical music is one of their ‘things’, and I felt disturbed, so I turned it off.

And, I can’t bear to write anymore, so will save the rest for later. Stupid. I don’t get why I get so upset about not very much.

  1. Infected paper cuts cause more pain then an actual big cut because it has festered. I get it. Bringing up the old hurts and healing them is a long painful process that pays of with feeling freer and lighter. You’ll get it. Hugs.

    • Ellen said:

      That’s true I guess. thanks Ruth. Hugs.

  2. Sorry therapy was tough. That happens sometimes. Its ok. Try to do something nice this week for yourselves. X

  3. Rachel said:

    I wonder if part of why it is so hard to talk in session with Ron, and bring up the issues from the week, is because his presence brings up some feelings that you had towards your father – his criticism silenced you, or the threat of criticism. So those feelings have been transferred into therapy (it is inevitable), so suddenly in session you are silenced without even knowing that is happening. Just a thought? So many of those transference dynamics happen outside of our awareness, so we are left just confused.

    • Ellen said:

      Um….I hadn’t thought of this. Maybe it’s something that’s just obvious to a bystander….That does make sense. I do feel Ron was silently critical of a particular thing I said – maybe those feelings are deeper than I thought. Thanks for giving me food for thought Rachel.

  4. e.Nice said:

    I don’t think there was nothing to get upset about. I think there is lots. Perhaps the trigger itself isn’t a big deal logically, but once we are activated, what caued that is a big deal. You were hurt. Your family was hurtful. All of that is Abuse with a big A, and often that long term abuse and neglect is more difficult to recover from then specific horrific incidents.

    • Ellen said:

      They were hurtful, that’s true enough. Thanks for empathizing Nice.

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