So work was better today. I know the situation there is triggering some kind of drama within me – that’s why I’m getting so upset. What people do is what people do, and it’s not aimed directly at me. No one is hurting me or trying to hurt me. It’s all just happening, and I’m getting drawn in, and very triggered.
Yesterday I did write out my feelings and emailed them to Ron, asking for a response. He never says much – this time he said something like vulnerable feelings are coming up for you and it’s hard to know how to take care of them. Okey doke. I emailed back I didn’t know what that meant, but I thanked him anyway for responding to me. And I did feel better. Trying to make sense of things helps. By the end of the evening, I had gone from despair and thinking of death, to a somewhat grounded view of this drama that’s going on, but is not really about me.
Sometimes I think just telling what happened, just describing, even without a whole lot of insight (I tend not to have much), helps. It organizes the experience a bit, makes it easier to digest perhaps.
Despite feeling better, the night was still rough. I woke up several times, furious. I feel so angry a lot of the time. I’ll even start swearing at someone under my breath, just ‘F you’, without being at all clear who I’m so angry with.
I decided at four am that I was likely not going to go into work the next morning, so turned off my alarm. That decision let me sleep a few more hours. I woke up just one hour later than usual, so decided to go in after all, as I don’t want to lose a day’s pay for nothing. I moved slowly, taking care of the young sad part, and allowing the angry furious part to simmer down too. It takes some space to let that happen.
Work was better because I ignored E and boss K mostly. I went to K first thing and told him I didn’t need him to intervene with my problem analyst, and he said whatever I need, he would do. Which was nice of him actually.
Not having anyone pick apart my work for a whole morning was a relief. Then in the afternoon, I spent maybe 2-3 hours sequestered with my co-worker C, yes, going over the same document. But it was suddenly not at all painful. C has a lot of expertise where I have none, as he was a trader. We were told that he should provide more input into the document, so he did that. I wouldn’t say a huge amount changed, but some things got clarified, and the process didn’t feel intrusive and critical. I actually enjoy working together with someone more than sitting in my cubicle all day long trying to work things out for myself.
We did spend about an hour complaining about how mis-managed this project is. Maybe misery loves company….but also, it helps to have my experience validated – I’m not making it all up. The whole project seems to both of us unbelievably wasteful and amateurish. They don’t wish to plan, and when we plan for them, they won’t stick to the plan or really acknowledge that there was one. Anyhoo.
I am pleased with myself that I accepted input and didn’t fight with anyone today!
One bad thing happened in the morning. So stupid. I have no filter sometimes. It was first thing, I’d just gotten in, and at that point I tend to feel confused and vulnerable. I met C in the kitchen accidentally, and started telling him how I’d almost not come in, and then complained about something E had done. The thing is, the kitchen isn’t private – people can hear. Plus several other people were there at the time. I should not have been talking about negative things in a public place like this. Very bad for my image. In general, I’m too loud sometimes, and I talk too much. People there are cautious, and I should be also.
It’s ironic, because I’m shy and actually don’t interact enough with people. C does much better. He just stands there and talks to anyone, about nothing in particular. He talked to two people about the lunches they were eating at their desks, and joked around with others. I on the other hand, tell how I really feel, which makes people uncomfortable often, since they mostly don’t care. Or I ignore everyone.
Anyway. I feel ashamed of the kitchen morning incident. Otherwise though, the day was OK.
I do think they may have decided not to renew our contracts. Mine expires in four weeks, so it’s a concern. E had pulled right back, which is unusual for him. He looks quiet and sad – very unusual. We are his project, so if we got cancelled, he would be disappointed. C overhead something about ‘getting rid of contractors’, but it’s hard to tell if that meant us. And in general, we obviously aren’t producing, whoever is at fault, so they may have decided to cut their losses.
So today was a mixed bag. I need to start looking for something else right away.