Today

So work was better today. I know the situation there is triggering some kind of drama within me – that’s why I’m getting so upset. What people do is what people do, and it’s not aimed directly at me. No one is hurting me or trying to hurt me. It’s all just happening, and I’m getting drawn in, and very triggered.

Yesterday I did write out my feelings and emailed them to Ron, asking for a response. He never says much – this time he said something like vulnerable feelings are coming up for you and it’s hard to know how to take care of them. Okey doke. I emailed back I didn’t know what that meant, but I thanked him anyway for responding to me. And I did feel better. Trying to make sense of things helps. By the end of the evening, I had gone from despair and thinking of death, to a somewhat grounded view of this drama that’s going on, but is not really about me.

Sometimes I think just telling what happened, just describing, even without a whole lot of insight (I tend not to have much), helps. It organizes the experience a bit, makes it easier to digest perhaps.

Despite feeling better, the night was still rough. I woke up several times, furious. I feel so angry a lot of the time. I’ll even start swearing at someone under my breath, just ‘F you’, without being at all clear who I’m so angry with.

I decided at four am that I was likely not going to go into work the next morning, so turned off my alarm. That decision let me sleep a few more hours. I woke up just one hour later than usual, so decided to go in after all, as I don’t want to lose a day’s pay for nothing. I moved slowly, taking care of the young sad part, and allowing the angry furious part to simmer down too. It takes some space to let that happen.

Work was better because I ignored E and boss K mostly. I went to K first thing and told him I didn’t need him to intervene with my problem analyst, and he said whatever I need, he would do. Which was nice of him actually.

Not having anyone pick apart my work for a whole morning was a relief. Then in the afternoon, I spent maybe 2-3 hours sequestered with my co-worker C, yes, going over the same document. But it was suddenly not at all painful. C has a lot of expertise where I have none, as he was a trader. We were told that he should provide more input into the document, so he did that. I wouldn’t say a huge amount changed, but some things got clarified, and the process didn’t feel intrusive and critical. I actually enjoy working together with someone more than sitting in my cubicle all day long trying to work things out for myself.

We did spend about an hour complaining about how mis-managed this project is. Maybe misery loves company….but also, it helps to have my experience validated – I’m not making it all up. The whole project seems to both of us unbelievably wasteful and amateurish. They don’t wish to plan, and when we plan for them, they won’t stick to the plan or really acknowledge that there was one. Anyhoo.

I am pleased with myself that I accepted input and didn’t fight with anyone today!

One bad thing happened in the morning. So stupid. I have no filter sometimes. It was first thing, I’d just gotten in, and at that point I tend to feel confused and vulnerable. I met C in the kitchen accidentally, and started telling him how I’d almost not come in, and then complained about something E had done. The thing is, the kitchen isn’t private – people can hear. Plus several other people were there at the time. I should not have been talking about negative things in a public place like this. Very bad for my image. In general, I’m too loud sometimes, and I talk too much. People there are cautious, and I should be also.

It’s ironic, because I’m shy and actually don’t interact enough with people. C does much better. He just stands there and talks to anyone, about nothing in particular. He talked to two people about the lunches they were eating at their desks, and joked around with others. I on the other hand, tell how I really feel, which makes people uncomfortable often, since they mostly don’t care. Or I ignore everyone.

Anyway. I feel ashamed of the kitchen morning incident. Otherwise though, the day was OK.

I do think they may have decided not to renew our contracts. Mine expires in four weeks, so it’s a concern. E had pulled right back, which is unusual for him. He looks quiet and sad – very unusual. We are his project, so if we got cancelled, he would be disappointed. C overhead something about ‘getting rid of contractors’, but it’s hard to tell if that meant us. And in general, we obviously aren’t producing, whoever is at fault, so they may have decided to cut their losses.

So today was a mixed bag. I need to start looking for something else right away.

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11 comments
  1. Wow, you recognized that most of what is happening isn’t really about you. That is great awareness of this situation. Sorry to hear you will be job hunting again. I hope you find what you need.

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you for telling me I have great awesome awareness. šŸ™‚ Actually not sure about the contract. For contracts, it’s not as big a deal to look for another as for full-time, but yes, it’s still stressful.

  2. Ashana M said:

    Yes, it really does help just to write out what is happening. Something important goes on while you are just making sense of things, and feeling that someone on the other end cares and is listening seems like it helps with that. It helps me too.

    It struck me as I read your post how workplaces are full of personalities, some very calm and professional and some of them problematic in various ways. You feel really at a disadvantage maybe because there are these parts going on, but E has his issues, the analyst has his issues, many people are not behaving perfectly and professionally all the time either and they don’t have parts as an element.

    Good luck with the job hunt. That’s always stressful.

    • Ellen said:

      It’s so true about workplaces. And at least I’m aware of my issues and trying to deal with them. Thank you Ash.

  3. Rachel said:

    I found it hilarious that you told Ron you didn’t really get his point, but thanks anyways. You make me laugh with how blunt you are. No wonder you don’t like these people at work who talk in circles and don’t get to the point or seem to have a point? Anyways, sorry if your contract is ending and that brings stress. Still unsure how people like the ones you work with manage to accomplish much, with their ways of working and communicating.

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, I am extremely honest, too much so at times. Plus when people are being very diplomatic, sometimes I won’t get it, because I just don’t realize….I don’t think the people at work do accomplish much actually. There is a lot of task based work, and that gets done and people work very hard to get it accomplished, but projects languish with endless cycling it seems. Thanks Rachel

  4. e.Nice said:

    Glad you had a better day at work and that you felt better writing things out to Ron. I think it was kind of a weird answer but it probably made sense to him šŸ™‚ Good luck on your job search. It would kind of freak me out to have new contracts with new projects and new people (!) to meet. You are brave.

    • Ellen said:

      Glad you thing it’s a weird answer too. To me, it was like a stock therapist comment that he could have picked out at random. But the fact that he responded to me and wanted to help, presumably, did help.

      I’m unsure about the contract. I do find it very hard starting over at new places, unlike some fellow contractors who thrive on that aspect. At the moment I’m again hoping it’ll renew. Thanks nice.

  5. I hope you find something else pretty quickly. You dont need that worry piled on you as well as all the trauma related stuff. Hugs. Glad you had a pretty good day. XX

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