Wow, another really bad day at work.
I kind of recovered from the last one. By Monday, I felt apologetic about how I’d acted, and apologized briefly when the three of us had a meeting late in the afternoon. E said he didn’t know what I was talking about… And then went on to burble a bit about being defensive. Since I didn’t actually think I’d been defensive, I didn’t say anything but left it at that. So I don’t really know if I’d gone over a line or not. E avoids all conflict, so any disagreement even about what to do at work, to him, is basically bad. And he won’t even discuss anything. So, whatever. Maybe it was overblown in my mind, or maybe it was a thing. I don’t know.
My project is going in useless circles. E is supposed to manage it but can’t seem to do so. He report into K, whom I also report into. K reports into CN, the big boss who is supposed to be setting direction for our project.
Today I met again with E and C, once again making picky little changes to my document. It’s like being tortured. E doesn’t know what to do, so he picks away at the wording in my document.
Then off I went to meet with the analyst who is my expert. I was already feeling frustrated about the merry circles we’re dancing in. The analyst, who had been helpful in the past, decided that this day, he was protesting. Why did I need this information, when he’d written other documents (which BTW I’ve practically memorized). What is the point of this project? Then he told me what I needed to do – go back to my group, ask these pointed questions….It’s hard to convey the tone. Really arrogant and hostile. The thing is, when he gets in a room and E and C are there, he turns into a whole different person – no attitude, no knowing better than everyone else.
I handled it badly once again. I felt I was going to cry – where was my anger when I needed it? I started out trying to once again explain the project, answer his points. But the points were actually not the issue. He was angry, and taking it out on me. Trying to answer him did nothing.
I ended up walking out of that meeting, and it took me hours to feel better. I think if it hadn’t come right after meeting with E and having the countless ridiculous changes, I would have been in a better place to deal with it.
So lunch, me walking around, still wanting to cry. Then after, a meeting with K, boss, to get his views on the doc. Hard to determine what he wants. They don’t tell you up front – you have to guess, and then they endlessly criticize whatever they get.
But, unfortunately, I hadn’t got over my upset with the analyst. Because the changes K wants will involve going back to this analyst, I poured out my story of what he’d said in our meeting. I wish I hadn’t. K said he’d talk to him. The analyst is in a different group, so K isn’t his boss. This guy is way down on the totem pole – a real young guy. But arrogant of course. At least with me.
At the time it seemed a good plan to me, but now I’ve changed my mind. I wouldn’t have gone to K to complain about this. Just coincidence that I met with him at all.
I don’t wish to get the analyst in trouble. I don’t want to seem like someone who can’t fight my own battles either. I’m not afraid of him, though I was at the time.
I suck. Why did I talk about that.
I want to quit this contract. It feels like torture to me. The two leads, K and E, don’t seem to talk to each other, and each have a different vision of what we’re trying to do. Then every once in a while, CN throws in an oar, and everyone runs around, trying to figure out what to do to please him. It’s chaos, basically.
A while ago I kind of liked E – I liked his cheeriness, and the way he’d be accepting I guess. He doesn’t withhold, that’s for sure. Now, I dislike him. I can’t stand the way he doesn’t deal with issues, just head down, cheerful. Pretending. And also, I’m not afraid, and so I reject most of his suggestions, or at least argue with them. There’s a bad feeling there. Probably in the near future, I’ll feel positive about him again.
The stress of all this is leading to some crappy body memories. Not in depth, but choking and feeling hopeless.
I will reply to comments on my last, just right now, I can’t bear to, kind commenters. It’s too hard.