Stuck

Well, I feel terrible. I want to lie down, but when I do, I don’t feel much better.

I’m not sure what the feeling bad consists of really. A kind of blankness. Lack of motivation to do anything.

I feel bad about work but can’t do anything about this situation now, on the weekend.

Maybe the feelings are coming from parts. I know that B hates conflict and seeks kindness and connection above all else. So she will be feeling freaked out by my actions at work.

I feel kind of choking feelings, feelings of being attacked maybe. Kind of just out of my line of sight, this is happening.

Trying to let any feelings happen and move through, but probably I’m not successful with this. If they’re locked in parts, then I’d need parts out to figure out what’s going on.

I think of writing to Ron but not sure what I’d say.

These feel like incomplete feelings that I can’t quite feel, can’t quite name. Anger, but at a large distance. Feelings of being attacked. Feelings of being small and helpless. A kind of crushing fatigues that rest doesn’t touch. Feeling cut off from the world.

Frustrated that yet another Saturday is going to waste on being stuck.

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14 comments
  1. leb105 said:

    hang in there, be kind to yourself, keep trying to let it be and describe it. what’s for dinner?

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Laura. For dinner? lol. Um…I bought some natural sausages from the market at lunchtime last week. Gonna fry up with onion and tomato, maybe some salad…..If I accomplish that, it’ll be a good step upwards. 🙂

  2. Don’t want to push the like button because I feel sad that you are feeling so unsettled. One of the difficulties of allowing suppressed feelings is not sure what they mean or what they are. Describing the feeling to Ron in an email might give you an opportunity to make the feeling more concrete. Good luck, cheering for you.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Ruth. I haven’t sent an email so far, but writing it out here and getting some ‘sympathy’ here has helped. Take care.

  3. Ashana M said:

    I can relate to this a lot. Life keeps moving, but you aren’t ready for it. I mean, you had a trauma reaction and still had to formulate some response anyway. Is it possible to find an excuse to step out of the meeting for a minute? Use the bathroom get something from your desk… Probably not. I can understand why you feel so stressed about it. It’s like having your pants fall down in public. Oh, yeah, there are my issues on display for everyone to see. The upside is at least you know it. Some people display their issues and think nothing about it.

    It seems like the trigger might have been the elephant in the room, that there is a problem and they want to redecorate the room, but they refuse to mention the elephant.

    My suggestion, if it helps, is just to be very, very soothing to yourself the rest of the weekend, just absolutely as kind as possible, so that whatever happens on Monday you’ll be in a better place to cope with it.

    • Ashana M said:

      Actually, this was meant to be a response to your first post about work. Sorry about that.

      I know it’s really frustrating, but it sounds to me that you aren’t stuck. I think you’re doing good work. That’s just my opinion. I have found the point isn’t really the story, but the feelings about the story. The story helps you make sense of the feelings, but the feelings are the main event. So, something happened–you are being reminded of something that happened–where you felt attacked, you felt suffocated, and it made you feel small and helpless, angry, and really hopeless. That’s good information. Your feelings are a big part of the story.

      Take care.

      • Ellen said:

        Yes, I realized. To me they’re like one post anyways, no problem at all.

        Yes, I must be being reminded. It’s good to remember that – it’s not all meaningless and insane. Thanks for validating that. Maybe I’m not as stuck as I feel…

    • Ellen said:

      That excuse idea is a good one Ash. But I’d have to realize at the time that I’m having a trauma reaction in order to do that. I totally could make an excuse, but it’s the realizing in the moment that’s the hard part.

      I hadn’t thought of the trigger that way, and it makes a ton of sense. My family is so like that – never discuss the actual problem, discuss details that seem to be related but really aren’t. Never ever ever speak truth. Yep, that’s a trigger for me.

      Thank you, I will try to be kind. I’m actually trying to maintain some adult-ness, so I’m getting a few things done thanks to that. And yes, kindness to parts will also help.

      Thanks!

      • Ashana M said:

        Maybe it’s just when you start to feel too much? Something to try. Take care. Glad you are able to maintain some. Not an easy situation, just to be with that anxiety.

  4. e.Nice said:

    I’m sorry. I tend to feel a bit cheated or resentful when my Saturdays are tough. Its my day off, surely I should get a day off from all the hard things!!! Hope you get a break but it does sound like you are working through things, even if it feels like being stuck. Your dinner sounds lovely though, sausages- yum!

    • Ellen said:

      Yeah, Saturdays should be nice! Sausages were good….it’s worth it to spend a few extra dollars and get something good. 🙂 Thanks Nice

  5. Rachel said:

    I’m guessing you feel differently now than when you wrote this post. But I wanted to let you know that I read it, and was hoping you were able to pull out of the stuckness. Writing does seem to help you process, so hoping you wrote something out to Ron, even if you didn’t send it.

    • Ellen said:

      You guessed right Rachel. And writing does help. I decided to give Ron a break and just write about it here though. Thank you

  6. Sorry you feel this way. I hate feeling stuck. It feels so helpless. XX

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