I wrote the last post right after my session. So later on, I feel a bit differently.
I ended up needing to lie down for a few hours to deal with some of the sadness that kept coming up as a result of the session. I think even though they didn’t get that much time, the time parts did get opened those feelings up, and I got to feel more of it later.
Today I’ve been down but functional. Which is a change. I feel unhappy, but I can still do the grocery shopping, iron, and tidy up. I even went to a service this morning. Which was OK. I chose a United Church that’s in close driving distance. The sermon was nothing special, but on the other hand, it was very easy to remember the gist of it. If I go and there’s a complex, nuanced service, I often enjoy it at the time but then am unable to remember much about it after. The gist was that God pushes us into challenges, and that these are good for us. We may not like them at the time, they may seem like losses or struggles, but that is God’s push for us to grow. And that’s fine. Nothing to object to really, and maybe it’s a helpful thought.
I didn’t bother with coffee time. I just wanted to see if going to the service itself does anything for me, without activating all my social anxieties. And – I’m not sure. One of my sociable parts loves church – just seeing people, singing, being part of something.
A more cynical part of me dislikes it because it seems hypocritical. People are so enthusiastic with the ritual of giving the peace – smiling, shaking everyone’s hand – but they don’t actually greet you if you’re sitting next to them, or say hello or goodbye. I guess they’re waiting to be introduced, lol. So I say hi to one woman who sat in my pew, and leave.
Today and at the end of yesterday, I once again feel connected to Ron. And as if something took place that helped. I think it’s the fact that he talked to parts. They need him, and are very attached to him. And after, I felt less fragmented and more of a piece. Yes, the price is a lot of sadness coming up.
The other part that helped was having an adult in charge. It is pretty frightening to have an adult life to maintain, and to have the adult go offline leaving traumatized child parts to deal. So keeping the adult self present seems vital.
Last night I slept a bit better, though still waking up several times. The second time I woke up, I wrote to Ron describing how it felt. Because when I go in to see him, I forget what the middle of the night is like. I was full of fears of never being accepted by anyone, and thinking of a thing that happened at the group I sometimes attend. This may be me being paranoid of course. But it seems to me that people there avoid me – like they won’t sit in an empty chair that’s next to me, if there are any others to pick. Last time, one of the regulars seemed to be making a point of coming over to sit in an empty chair beside me after the break. I know he meant well, but it just underlined to me how I’m not really accepted there – that he felt he needed to do that. So in the middle of the night, I woke up just pumped full of adrenaline, afraid that there is something so repellent about me everyone avoids me and will avoid me forever. It’s a really awful and scary feeling.
So I wrote it all out and sent it to Ron, and was able to sleep again.
Next week, I have to go to a session after work again. I want to stick to the same plan, if possible, to have time for parts in the first half, then spend time just being adult again in the second. Sometimes it helps to have a plan.