Back from therapy this morning. Not sure if it sucked or didn’t suck or was helpful or what.
It was low key and undramatic. By my choice really. When I started therapy years ago, I would plunge into trauma and many sessions ended with myself in a child place, or severely distraught, and then I’d go home. It took ages to crawl out of that place again.
I don’t know. I am set on not continuing in that vein, and so I’m not. I am left with the uneasy feeling that Ron doesn’t approve – he wants the intensity and the drama perhaps. Or something.
I also feel uneasy that I have seized control. This is not Ron’s preferred way of working. This is what I feel I need, but I don’t get much feeling that he agrees. His philosophy though is to let the client lead, so he goes along with it? Maybe.
My life last week was simply working and recovering. I’d struggled with sleeping, waking up every two hours, then falling back to sleep after maybe another hour, then waking again….I tell Ron about this. He asks why I think I’m having this trouble this week, and I don’t know really.
I say I wonder what we could work on that would be helpful. He says helpful in what way? By which I think he means ‘feeling better in the short term is not going to help you feel better long term’. But, as he doesn’t say that, I just say, well, how to get better sleep for instance.
Then I say if we work with parts, could we do that in the first part of the session, and then spend time getting me back to my adult state? So Ron asks if there are any parts that want to speak.
B speaks for a while, about the Christmas tree, and a necklace she wants, and the colleague whom she likes who jokes around, and the colleague who scares her because he gets angry. And then B stops talking, and just feels sad. I hate being in that sad place, so I switch back. It feels like enough.
Also teen V gets a chance to speak. Being V is to be plunged right away into a world of darkness and pain. I also switch back from her feelings fairly soon.
At one point I tell Ron I feel like there’s a pain of glass between us. I do feel a sense that we’re not connecting at all. We talk about what the glass is….I switch to V who seems to be pounding on that glass.
We spend the last 10-15 minutes ‘grounding’ – feeling my feet and hands, then talking a bit about what I’ll do next with my afternoon. Ron’s heart is not in grounding exercises, but I find them somewhat helpful.
So I leave – not hugely upset, and in an adult state. With the uneasy feeling that I’m disappointing Ron, not doing therapy the way he wants to do it. Being a disappointment.
Oh yeah, one thing we touched on was loneliness. Ron asked me and also a part if we were lonely. Well, yes. Sometimes. But how not to be. There really isn’t anyone out there it seems. There are people at work though I suppose.
And also, I said a thing about how I think a problem I have is I’m not feeling things in a regular way, so I need help doing that. I don’t feel things during the day, then maybe get hit with a lot of exhausting emotions after I get home.
I don’t think he really understands how it is. I’m so different from him. Maybe that’s just my pessimism and distrust though.
I know I should look for other therapists, and maybe I will, eventually. I too tired right now.