Last Thursday I arrived at therapy after work, feeling completely done in. One of my main problems is fatigue – I get worn out so fast.
I’d been looking forward to seeing Ron, earlier in the week. But now I was in session, I had nothing much to say. I felt these waves of exhaustion, and the thought of launching into almost any topic was not appealing.
I told Ron I’d had an extremely rough time after the last session. We didn’t talk about it much though.
I actually think we should have been talking about it. I don’t think it’s enough to plunge into dark feelings, then finally climb back out. I need to make sense of what this means by talking about it. But I lack the energy to say this – maybe I don’t even think it at the time.
I feel critical of Ron again, but can’t bring myself to quit therapy just yet. It’s been five years, and my PTSD really hasn’t improved. My ability to relate to people more normally has improved a lot though, which I mostly see through working. I used to antagonize people without even trying, and I’d go into fits of rage, though not usually vented on the person. Plus I used to have anxiety almost all the time, even if I couldn’t feel it, and that’s still there, but also better. I can feel it now, which means I can do something about it at times.
Ron is good at providing a holding environment. He is not afraid of my emotions, and encourages all of them. I obviously never had that as a child, and it’s a really great thing.
I just wish he also had a theory of PTSD. Now lots of people have a theory, but don’t have the emotional skills that he has. But if he had a theory, he’d have some idea of how to help me. Instead of triggering trauma off, sending me home to get over it, and doing the same thing all over again the next week. I’m spending so much time overwhelmed and unable to function.
I’m through with doing that, I really am. I need some way of tackling PTSD problems that doesn’t make things worse. And it’s not that Ron is against anything I want to try. Just he doesn’t have a theory, so he forgets everything again the next session.
I need to be able to bear the emotions. Once I’m overwhelmed, or stuck in a child space, I can’t bear them, and I implode – freeze, numb out, stop coping. I suspect I am stuck in a child space a fair amount of the time, and that’s why I have such difficulty with household tasks and following through with my plans. I think I need help staying adult, or relating to younger parts from an adult perspective.
And Ron’s interest is in helping clients experience their emotions, and supporting them while they go through them. Which is a fine goal. Just I need help containing my emotions. Yes, a fair wack of them are locked away, but that’s because they need to be for now.
At my session, I didn’t say all this. I did say the PTSD hadn’t gotten better. Ron asked if therapy was the only reason I go through the emotions, and the only time I get overwhelmed. I said no….and that I realize I’m not picking this stuff up in therapy. But later, I thought, yes, there is no other thing I do that triggers the overwhelm like therapy.
So we sat a lot. Ron said something about do I want to discuss this or that….and I felt a huge fatigue and said why bother? Well – to get a sense of connection, perhaps, Ron said.
Ron suggested I draw the parts, so I did that. Basically stick figures. There are three main parts I’m aware of.
I did end up saying maybe the not talking is a parts problem. That has happened in the past – I go past the wall of not wanting to speak, and parts have a lot to say. However, that led to overwhelm in the past, and I just didn’t want to go back there.
So we sat some more. And then I left.
I was wondering if I’d be upset with myself for not speaking about much of anything, whether I’d kick myself for the lost opportunity. But I haven’t really. The not wanting to speak was so strong, it kind of felt like being true to myself to let it win.
And I’m not overwhelmed with trauma today, though I am very tired, I think just from working all week. I was OK at work Friday. If we’d touched on anything deep in therapy, that day would have been torture for me.
Maybe I’m getting ready to leave therapy, I’m not sure. However I still like Ron as much as ever. I think I got something out of just sitting there with him, him trying to understand even though I wasn’t talking. It still felt kind of supportive. I am paying out of pocket though, so if I stop talking in my sessions, I’m not sure how much sense it makes to keep going.