The weather turned ferociously cold after a long warm snap. Quite the morning, getting up two hours earlier than usual and emerging into a cold that took my breath away.
Sunday was the first day I felt much better after having tumbled into the pit last week. My mind was suddenly more clear. I could make a plan and actually carry it out. As a result, I got quite a bit accomplished Sunday, as I could do chores, as well as an outing. I went off to buy some clothes for work. I’m not a shopper, so I have to kick myself into the stores. I worked on being calm all day. I’ve realized I have quite a bit of anxiety almost all the time, but with some breathing, awareness, and some calming supplements, I can make quite a dent in that. When I stopped for a coffee and chocolate butter tart, I realized I was actually feeling some enjoyment, something which had gone missing these weeks of holidays.
I wish I could have had more days like this, were I felt more in control and less sad.
Anyway, it’s all over now, and back to work I go. I slept badly, so had a difficult day where I felt exhausted. When I’m tired like that, I’m a bit of an emotional mess at work. Not good. It’s a male, technical environment and I already have to prove I’m not stupid, being a woman. I really want to minimize the times I’m wavery and uncertain and sad when talking to others. I’m aiming for an impersonal type of cheerfulness. It’s none of their business how I’m really feeling. Just I end up very influenced by kid parts, who are emotional.
I’m actually writing because I often sleep well after I do. And just to remind myself that I can keep checking in and slowing my breathing, when I’m anxious. Maybe if I can get a grip on all that anxiety, I’ll be less exhausted by my work days. After all, I work to live, not live to work, though at the moment I simply survive, work being the thing I’m surviving, somehow, somewhere, no matter what.
Happy New Year dear fellow bloggers.