Today is a rough day. Therapy hangover day. Yesterday seemed better, because I felt like there was an adult in charge – my adult self seemed able to contain the feelings of sadness. Today I feel overwhelmed. I feel sad and as if there is nothing good in my life. I did need to lie down but at least now I’m upright and trying to deal.
I suspect I touched on too many painful issues in my session yesterday. I kind of talk about them but don’t feel much at the time. I think one of the topics would have been enough to try and deal with. Sometimes I mistake therapy for a regular conversation with a friend, where you want to cover all that’s going on. Maybe therapy is different. I need to cover one topic in depth, including feelings.
I really liked how interested Ron was in hearing the PTSD theories from the book I’m reading. He wasn’t at all defensive or rejecting. I liked how he wanted to try the grounding right away, and even suggested it himself near the end of session.
Just – I’m disappointed it hasn’t helped more. I didn’t manage to keep the adult self that active. Though maybe a bit more than in the past.
Parts didn’t get a say really yesterday. Just during the grounding, I did switch in and out of B. This part loves body stuff and simple things, so she popped up, but I didn’t let her talk much.
I wonder if it’s helpful to let parts talk or not so much. If I get into parts, the adult self seems to go out the window more. On the other hand, I feel more connected to Ron through parts, so that feeling of connection helps me feel better overall.
And I’m left with today, the day after therapy. I want to prepare for the holiday, buy a ham and veg, and I feel so stuck. Just at home, pacing, trying to feel and to let the feelings move through. I know if I can feel them, they will eventually move through. It’s when I block them that they stay stuck.
Sigh. Fallen into the pit again.