The pit

Today is a rough day. Therapy hangover day. Yesterday seemed better, because I felt like there was an adult in charge – my adult self seemed able to contain the feelings of sadness. Today I feel overwhelmed. I feel sad and as if there is nothing good in my life. I did need to lie down but at least now I’m upright and trying to deal.

I suspect I touched on too many painful issues in my session yesterday. I kind of talk about them but don’t feel much at the time. I think one of the topics would have been enough to try and deal with. Sometimes I mistake therapy for a regular conversation with a friend, where you want to cover all that’s going on. Maybe therapy is different. I need to cover one topic in depth, including feelings.

I really liked how interested Ron was in hearing the PTSD theories from the book I’m reading. He wasn’t at all defensive or rejecting. I liked how he wanted to try the grounding right away, and even suggested it himself near the end of session.

Just – I’m disappointed it hasn’t helped more. I didn’t manage to keep the adult self that active. Though maybe a bit more than in the past.

Parts didn’t get a say really yesterday. Just during the grounding, I did switch in and out of B. This part loves body stuff and simple things, so she popped up, but I didn’t let her talk much.

I wonder if it’s helpful to let parts talk or not so much. If I get into parts, the adult self seems to go out the window more. On the other hand, I feel more connected to Ron through parts, so that feeling of connection helps me feel better overall.

And I’m left with today, the day after therapy. I want to prepare for the holiday, buy a ham and veg, and I feel so stuck. Just at home, pacing, trying to feel and to let the feelings move through. I know if I can feel them, they will eventually move through. It’s when I block them that they stay stuck.

Sigh. Fallen into the pit again.

  1. Well my little girl is coming to lift you out of the pit. I don’t know how old your little girl is but maybe she would like to play? We can do yoga and listen to YouTube videos together. I got some new coloring books with glittery marked and water color pencils. So here I come and we are going to smile!! 😜😄 love you

    • Ellen said:

      She’s maybe five. Hi! I love colouring I don’t know you tube though. I would love to play with you can you come over???

      That’s B. So kind of you. 🙂 love to you

      • Yay, I am 5 a lot but my 5 year is usually pretty shut down and scared. She is who ends up in therapy much of the time curled into a ball. She feels safe with you though. Okay, glittery markets it is and I can come over. Really that would be much fun. See, New Year’s Eve will be fun!!! We have sparkly blueberry juice too!

        • Ellen said:

          🙂 No she wouldn’t be scared with me because I am five also! I love juice. Your friend B

  2. Max Bern said:

    Therapy can be painful at times, but life gets better. Have a Happy New Year!

  3. The pit is temporary – you’re working through hard pieces. Hold on, you’ll get through this xx

  4. The Pit is now familiar. You know what is there. Rest for a moment then move out on top again. Took me a while to realize that the Pit can be sort of an emotional resting place before tackling other stuff. Hard to know which is better. I did notice when I worked on one subject more in depth I felt frustrated because so many want attention. Heavy sigh. I hope it gets better for you.

    • Ellen said:

      This pit was not that restful for me….it was a place of grief and suffering for sure. I don’t want to go back.

      Yeah, there’s no winning in therapy sometimes. Thanks Ruth. Happy New Year!

  5. Grief and suffering long neglected seems to intensify instead of diminish. Therapy is one of those keep an eye on the long term goal because the moment is tough. Cheering for you. Happy New year.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Ruth. Happy New Year.

  6. Cat said:

    I think the grounding exercise with Ron did help at the time and the immediate hours afterwards

    • Ellen said:

      Yeah, I think it did help. Thanks Cat

  7. e.Nice said:

    sorry. the pit sucks. it really does. hope you are able to keep working on those things you and Ron did last session and that it helps.

    • Ellen said:

      Yes it does suck. So glad I’m not there anymore. Thanks nice

  8. i am sorrhy to read that you’ve had to go down that road again. sucks. hi b waves hi and sending hugs! XX

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