First of all, a happy holiday to readers, commenters and blog writers. Hope all are well and happy if possible. I appreciate you all. Fellow blog writers are part of my daily life, as I read blogs every day, and it’s almost like having company, or just like having a window into someone else’s life. It’s a good feeling for me.
At this moment I feel good. I spent the afternoon and evening with a friend, and it was low stress and pretty good overall. My friend is suffering from a relationship which went wrong, and after a movie and a drink, she didn’t want to be alone, so I went over to her house and we watched netflix together. I really know what it’s like to want company when you’re suffering, not to talk it all out, but just because it helps to have someone there. I like being useful. Plus it’s nice to watch TV with someone else – it is less lonely.
I think I’d be able to heal faster if I was less lonely. If when things are bad, I had somewhere to go, somewhere to not be entirely alone with it all. But I really don’t.
Christmas I had two dinners. On the 24th I went to my family’s Xmas dinner. I volunteered to bring a veg, so I made green beans and off I went. All day I’d dreaded going. The dinner wasn’t that bad, but I can’t say I felt much connection to anyone there. I’m not going to describe in detail because I want to stay out of the depression and pain for a while. One way of looking at it is it wasn’t bad. I left fairly early, and that was that.
On the 25th, I cooked a meal. I’d gotten a Christmas tree a few days before, and decorated it on the 24th, so that was done. I’d planned, bought the right groceries, so that helped.
A problem I have struggled with is my tendency to shut down, and this has been in full force the last few days. By shutting down, I don’t mean just that my emotions shut down. I shut down entirely – I have to lie down, and I either stare out the window, or doze. I feel enormously tired and unable to move. That’s a problem when you have people coming for dinner that you haven’t started yet.
This shutting down problem is what I need to tackle in the coming year. I need to find a way to stay conscious. Because with me shut down so much, I don’t get much done.
Anyway, dinner was good. I cooked lamb, rapini, and apple crisp. I bought a really nice wine to go with it. My ex and my son came over. We had a pretty decent time – much nicer than with my parents.
This year I sent Ron an email wishing him a Merry Christmas, and thanking him for all his care in the past year. I worried about whether it would be intrusive to send over the holidays, and ended up sending it boxing day. Then I shut my email down for the night, because I didn’t want to worry about whether he would respond or not. It didn’t need a response. But the next morning, I saw he’d responded within a few minutes – wishing me also a merry christmas, and saying it was his pleasure. So nice. I did feel warm and fuzzy with this exchange. I am grateful to him, and it felt good to express that, and then getting a kind email in return felt good too.
I went off to my 12 step group on Boxing Day. That day, I was feeling down, and I feel like my share there was over-wrought. I don’t know. It all depends how I want to look at things. I wish I was calmer – my sharing just wasn’t at all calm. Why can’t I talk about things in a calm tone of voice?
One thing I did at the meeting was I let a younger part be there for much of the time, also reassuring her that it was safe. This part, B, loves being with people, so having her sit there, while telling her all was well and she was perfectly safe, felt really good and healing.
I’m hoping to stay on a more even keel for the rest of my holiday – all next week. Some good things have been happening, but I’ve also felt really down and unable to move around – the shut down problem I guess. But tonight I feel good. I’m glad I have my tree, and I have work that’s going pretty well overall, and I have one friend at least.
My last therapy session, I left feeling really connected to Ron, which was really fortunate, going into the holiday. I think at the end of the session, I was talking about missing him, and then B took over and I think talked about missing Ron also. And I said something about what an odd situation therapy is, where you feel close to someone, but they’re not really in your life, apart from one hour a week anyway. Talking about this made me feel closer to him I suppose, in a nice, warm way, not a desperate craving type of way.