Therapy Thursday

Well, a difficult weekend. Yesterday was spent mostly in bed, with me being too down to even watch TV.

This morning I again contemplate going to services, and I would have gone, but I’m so slowed down I wasn’t ready in time to go.

What is the sorrow? Not sure. Work seems overwhelmingly awful. But it is mostly the same situation as before, when it didn’t seem so awful.

I went off to my session Thursday night, after writing my post about work. I started in telling Ron basically what I’d written about. Ron felt something like I sometimes exaggerate conflict, and brought up the situation where I’d felt he and I were fighting, or not getting along, while he hadn’t felt that. I didn’t say much at the time, but actually I think the situation is pretty different. I always really cared what Ron thought, while I don’t care so much what my co-worker thinks.

I brought up how depressed I’d been feeling, and Ron said something about how I seem to have a fair amount of anger and disagreement, but that I’m turning that all against myself. Oh yeah, I was feeling negative about everything he said to me, and he picked up on that. He invited me to voice my disagreement.

I agreed about the negative feelings. Just, I didn’t think they were justified. He was generally saying perfectly nice things that made sense intellectually. I told him I have attacked other people in the past, and it’s not been a good experience. Ron said our goal here would be to try to understand what the angry / dismissive feelings are about, so it would be different.

I agree that in general, when I’m too nice and stifle my real opinions too much, I do get more depressed.

All this time, I’ve been feeling profoundly exhausted. I think about just slipping sideways and putting my head down on the couch, and closing my eyes. I tell Ron I just can’t talk, I’m too too tired.

Ron says it’s OK if I don’t talk.

I get out my crayons and paper and start doodling. No one says anything for about ten minutes. I feel as if I’m pushed against a glass wall, and the effort of saying or doing anything is too much. I feel vaguely sad and frustrated by this situation.

What’s happening? Ron asks.

I tell him I feel sad, and a bit scared. Why? Well, I’ve depended on therapy for a long time, but if I can’t talk….what’s the point?

I feel like I’m wasting my money sitting here not talking.

One time not talking, among so many other sessions…I think that’s OK, Ron says.

So I keep sitting there, not talking. I think about leaving early, but feel too tired to make that effort. I feel so sad and alone, but just completely unable to fight this inability to talk.

I forget how it happened, but for some reason, parts are now allowed to come forward. B tells Ron her perspective on work. She talks about some social things that happened, which she liked, but also that mostly she doesn’t like work. She starts crying. Then V, a teenage part, also comes forward. She sees all of work as black, lonely and scary. When I’m V, things do seem overwhelmingly dark and hopeless.

Interestingly, once these parts are allowed to talk, there’s no shortage of things to say. Suddenly they remember all kinds of things I didn’t remember. I did remember, but it didn’t occur to me that they were of any importance.

So this is positive. However, parts talking leads to overwhelming emotions. I start crying, which I suppose is their pain. As this goes on, emotions just flood up. The session is over, but I can’t stop crying. Ron tries to talk about scheduling, but I can’t regain control, and just cry hopelessly every time I try to respond.

I tell him I’ll email re scheduling and head out the door. I can’t get it together enough to say goodbye, so I just leave.

Once I’m walking away from the building, parts start receding, and I get my rational self back. It kind of feels like I’ve been in a car wreck, but it’s over now, and I’m walking away.

A kind of dissociative wall slams down. I feel the wall, and it feels uncomfortable, but at least I can drive home and get to work the next day.

So, that’s all I know really. It’s really rough getting through the workday Friday. Saturday I cannot function. And here I am, Sunday, trying to get it together once again.

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17 comments
  1. ah what an intense session. I hate it when dossiciative walls go up but sometimes that is necessary in order to keep functioning normally. I hope this week is better. XX

    • Ellen said:

      Sometimes it is necessary. Thanks Many

  2. Is there any way for Ron to extend your session time? It seems like it takes a significant amount of the session for you to get to where the parts are able to come up, but then you keep on running out of time before you are able to work through anything. Even another 15 minutes might make a big difference.

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, I think Ron would extend. It’s a thought. At the moment, I feel more like quitting therapy than having more of it though. I really think twice a week would be better actually. I feel very alone with it all, and for young parts, a week seems like forever. However I have financial concerns. I don’t know. My answer to your question is confusion, basically. 🙂 Thanks for your thoughts Cat

  3. leb105 said:

    Perhaps you might take some extra sessions while you need them – not forever?

    • Ellen said:

      Yeah, maybe. It’d have to be in the new year at this point. Thanks for thinking about me Laura.

  4. Cat said:

    That sounds a tough session, Ellen, but I am struck by your awareness. I thought you and Ron had been considering either extra time or an extra session… it sounds like you might find that helpful. I hope work went better today

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Cat. I actually stayed home sick today, but tomorrow should be better.

  5. Ashana M said:

    There is this puzzlement in what you are writing that I can really relate to: when you say he is generally saying perfectly nice things and you don’t really get why you’re so angry. I can relate to that. One thing I have realized is that I react a lot to feeling trapped. Any time I feel someone is intruding on my emotional or personal space and anytime I feel I can’t leave a situation and would like to, I have this huge internal reaction to it. There’s often nothing that much wrong with what’s going on–either the situation ought to be fairly tolerable or it has a simple solution. I wonder if something like that is going on for you. You mentioned in your last post about feeling really angry at being condescended to, and I wonder if that’s what is triggering it or if it’s something like that.

    Take care.

    • Ellen said:

      Interesting. I don’t think I feel trapped….In my case, I think various parts are having strong feelings, which Ron is not picking up on, understandably, as I’m not expressing them. However they’re still there, so then I feel angry at not being seen. Something like that. It’s like several tracks running at the same time, and my adult is in charge and sees that what he’s saying is reasonable, but other parts are frustrated.

      Thanks Ashana. Sorry to be so slow to respond.

  6. So, you know I can totally relate to this entire post. Except I do fall to my side on the couch and curl up into a ball…in silence. I spend a lot of healing time in silence. Talking, I’ve been told I can talk until I’m blue in the face but it won’t help me to heal. I wonder if it is the same for you? We are so good at cognitively thinking about everything and ruminating about everything and writing to express ourselves. I can talk in circles or make small talk or tell stories about work and how I get triggered. Or this or that. But my most profound healing moments have been feeling and I never understood this until I allowed myself to fold over and shut down as I become my 5 year old self and the fear and anxiety she felt and still feels comes out. I’m not really sure what my point is except that I don’t believe you waste your money in silence. It takes courage to sit in silence and a great therapist to know when to allow it and when to introject so as to pull whoever out that need to come out. Just my thoughts which are jumbled and probably make no sense.

    • Ellen said:

      I like how you think about silence AG. I totally agree that the cognitive stuff is not as healing as more emotional responses, and maybe silence also. At least the silence was kind of real – I gave up trying to cover it up. You make lots of sense. Thank you. Sorry to reply so late.

  7. Cat said:

    HI Ellen, Just popped by to see how you are. I hope everything is okay. Did you have a nice Christmas?

    • Ellen said:

      Merry Christmas Cat. Xmas was OK here…I cooked a festive meal…a little depressed now though. You? Thanks

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