I feel so angry today after work. It’s like this ball of pain surrounded by a shell of anger. Not sure why it came up for me today with such huge force. It feels so physical, like something I can’t digest, which is with me no matter what else I think about.
At the moment, I intensely dislike the man I am working with. I talked about this last post. I’d been having severe anxiety, but that anxiety went down as I got in touch with how I was feeling. I was feeling quite a bit of resentment for being condescended to by this individual, and hadn’t really been conscious of that – instead, I got super anxious.
So today, I had a meeting with a client on a communications project. I had a first draft, and needed to go through some questions. At the last minute, I invited C, my co-worker. This is because we’re both supposed to be producing the same type of document, and we’re not on the same page at all. I thought if he saw how I was approaching it, he could maybe give input on how we do the documents, or at least see how I was doing it.
Earlier in the week, he’d sent me a draft of his project, and seemed to be expecting me to edit and format it all for him. No way. I offered to show him how to set up the document so formatting is easy, and he just looked at me blankly. He seems to be expecting me to act as his admin, fixing up his project after he’s done the ‘hard thinking’. No way am I doing that.
He has worked in this particular area for many many years, so he knows the way the business works. There’s a lot of knowledge of how money works that you can acquire, and I understand he has that. In fact, I sometimes ask him to explain various concepts, which he happily does.
However, this job involves producing usable documents. Something he has never done, and has little interest in.
So we get into this meeting, and he proceeds to show off how much he knows. Kind of. He asks about obscure technical details of the process I’m trying to document. When I ask a question (to the client), he understands much faster than I do, or thinks he does, and so cuts me off with of course, I understand perfectly.
But I’m writing this project, so I have to understand so I can write it clearly. We’re not there for him to show off, or to make friends with the clients by being one of them.
I honestly thought he’d be interested in the document, in how best to write it. So wrong. He was basically a nuisance in this meeting. I don’t have endless client time to go over documents, so he’s taking up time for no reason but his own ego.
But still, so what. Not sure why I am so enraged by this. That feeling of being looked down on for not knowing….just bugs me so much. But why should I feel so much pain over this, that it’s still with me hours later? People are people – they’ll act in ridiculous ways.
Then…I’ve also had more dealings with my actual boss, K, while my client E is away. I’ve been liking K. Not that I’ve had a lot to do with him, but we had a few short meetings, and he seemed to like me.
This has now gone somewhat wrong as well. I wanted his input on a flowchart I’d done – on whether the approach was right. He didn’t get back to me on it all day. I’m worried he thinks it’s a mess, that’s why he didn’t talk to me about it. It is kind of a mess – but I can explain why. Anyway, that’s why I wanted his input. He had requested a specific kind of flowchart, and I wanted to know if this was kind of like what he wanted.
That’s all. Nothing happened, literally. I’m imagining he disliked the chart, that it’s the worst he’s ever seen. Then what? Nothing. I hadn’t meant to leave it with him – I’d wanted a quick chat about it when I went to his desk, but then he had to get a call, so he didn’t have time, so I left it.
Big deal. I suppose it meant so much to me that he seemed to like me, rather more than my knowledgeable co-worker. I feel like the bad flow chart will erase that liking entirely. I know he can be harsh and critical at times, though he hasn’t been to me yet.
So, there is my pain. It seems very silly when I write it out. Maybe that’s why I did.