Therapy Saturday

I hope this therapy is going somewhere, because it sure is painful. I still deeply feel that communicating is impossible, yet here I am again.

I spent the weekend alone, though I did have therapy on Saturday. I’ll try and be more social next weekend.

I can’t remember the details, but we had two main sections in my session. It’s stupid, because there were actually issues I wanted to get Ron’s input on, but everything flew out of my mind that morning.

One other thing – Ron was no longer especially cheerful. Thank God. He was neutral I’d say.

First I started talking about work. I’m having real trouble determining if I’m acting appropriately. I feel really critical of the way this project is being managed, and am trying to change this. I seem to have no trouble speaking up. My client E doesn’t scare me at all. But then, I second guess myself afterwards – am I being too outspoken? Will there be repercussions?

I actually went into a deep depression last weekend, after the emailing the director incident. I couldn’t work out whether I’d been out of line or not. If I thought back to exactly what I’d written, it seemed OK. On the other hand, the whole thing freaked me out.

I don’t know why it hit me so hard, I tell Ron. But….I think it must have to do with my father and my family. There were such severe repercussions to speaking my mind as a child – I was basically shunned by my family. My father stopped speaking with me.

Ron looks serious. I don’t think you need to look much further than that, he says. That is severe.

So maybe I was feeling the feelings last weekend that were too scary to feel at that time when I was young.

I feel so critical of this client, E, but at the same time, I do like him. He doesn’t seem to take my comments super personally. I know he’s the type who just couldn’t give someone the silent treatment. He can be accepting and cheerful, and I crave that acceptance.

I mention a dream about a wedding dress, but the discussion doesn’t go anywhere much. I talk a bit about how it was when I got together with my ex (we never officially married), how things ere not great right from the start, how trapped I’d felt.

After about half an hour, I feel so torn. The talk doesn’t seem to be helping me, or getting at what’s really going on. I say this to Ron.

He says a bunch of stuff I can’t remember. The gist is he thinks I’m struggling with parts, and that’s hindering me from doing things I need to do, like going out and being with people.

Sure, I say. So what do I do?

Well, bringing them in here directly seems to be helpful.

So, I let parts speak. They have been clamouring for attention anyway. In a way, therapy is for them, or so they feel, so if I the adult take a lot of time, to them, it’s a complete waste.

So B comes forward and very quickly tells Ron about all the things important to her – the bakery she wants to go to, the wooden angel we bought….

Then behind B comes another part. This part is full of pain. She feels things pressing down on her, she can’t see….

Then I see this image of being very small, and alone in an underground cave. I’m seeing it from outside and above, so I am not actually the child. I feel really bad. I cry a bit, and am just stunned by the amount of sorrow.

The good thing about this experience is I no longer feel split – this experience completely takes over, so while it’s difficult, I no longer have that freaked out split in half feeling.

I’m not sure if Ron says anything. It’s already time to go, so I spend some time trying to ground. I’m feeling as if I literally can’t move, so it takes a few minutes to come back.

So I leave. I’ve felt sad this weekend, and everything has been difficult. I didn’t feel particularly close to Ron, but I know if he hadn’t been there, I would not have felt safe enough to let those feelings come up.

  1. therapy and the work that comes from that is definitely painful. I am glad parts got to express themselves if that is what they crave and need. XX

  2. I found therapy painful. I like the description my first counselor used. If you go to a medical doctor with an infected wound, the first thing they do is clean it out. Talk therapy is cleaning out old infected wounds. It will heal properly after it is all cleaned out. Hugs.

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you Ruth. Hugs to you.

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