Today

Well, I’ve been lonely today. I feel as if I can’t describe how things are, so likely I need to make the effort to communicate, even if it’s just to my blog.

It’s been about a week and a half since my last therapy session, and so parts of me really miss Ron. I wish I didn’t feel this way. I’ll see him for an hour tomorrow – not long. Maybe at that point I won’t even want to talk. Maybe the conversation will go no where much. Still, it feels important.

Work has been swinging widely up and down. At least, my feelings about it have. For the first part of the week, I was wishing to quit altogether. It seemed the project I was hired for had evaporated, mysteriously, and a different project which I’m not suited for was in place instead. I’ve been struggling again with my client, E. He cannot seem to plan a project, and it’s very frustrating for me. He has good intelligence and lots of knowledge, but his way of dealing with the people involved is so haphazard. If he likes them, and doesn’t feel threatened by them, he’ll talk to them and invite them to meetings. If he doesn’t like them, he avoids dealing with them. You just can’t manage a project on that basis.

The other problem was I had nothing to work on, so was back to clock watching, which I find depressing. The second half of the week, things finally started to become more interesting again. There were meetings to try and set up this new project, and it was engaging. I enjoy working with people. As I am so alone so much of the time, I guess it becomes a way for me to be with others, and I know I really need that. And E’s very positive qualities emerged – he is not critical, he is interested in my ideas, he is interested in trying new things, as long as they don’t involve tackling difficult people.

I took today off. We have a two week mandatory holiday at Christmas for contractors. No way do I want two weeks off at Christmas – it’s cold, dark, lonely and depressing then for me. So I’ve asked if I can take some of that time in advance instead, and I can, so today was the first day.

It was an OK day. I felt tired and sad, so that part wasn’t great. I can’t seem to sleep in, so I get up still tired. I bought fish for supper, went out for tea, and in the afternoon went for a longish walk in the nearby park. The park was beautiful, but empty and lonely also.

I know I need to work on having more people in my life. I did go to my twelve step group last week, and it was helpful. It’s hard though in general to find friends while depressed. I tried asking a co-worker to go for coffee, and that was OK, but he did not have much interest really. I’ve asked this person a few times, and he’s come with me twice, but he’s not really a breaks type of a person. If he doesn’t initiate, I may ask him once in a while, but not more.

Sometimes I feel B taking over. The whole feeling of myself changes – I become less anxious, but often very sad. But then, as B, very little things can cheer me up, like happy music, or seeing squirrels….

I wonder if this loneliness is really coming from these young child parts. It feels so basic – as if people should be here, and it’s not OK to be by myself. It is OK for an adult to be alone, but less so for a very young child.

 

 

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9 comments
  1. That makes sense about the loneliness. I know that my child parts have a profound sense of loneliness, too.

  2. Sirena said:

    It’s not okay for an adult to be alone either. It’s very detrimental for anyone to spend lots of time without other human interaction. I hope you can try and find other ways to not be alone. Loneliness is the most painful feeling and I don’t want that for you. I do understand how hard it is for you to reach out to others when you feel depressed or anxious but please focus on widening your social circle if you can.

  3. Ashana M said:

    That seems like good insight. I was thinking as I read this that the loneliness that is sometimes a part of life–it’s something that comes and goes–must trigger all of these complex memories for you, because loneliness was such a part of your childhood. I have noticed this week, as my routine changed and I wasn’t chatting with C at all, that I missed her, and that ordinary feeling of missing someone was intensified by all the past experiences of missing someone. I just had to work through all the connections.

    • Ellen said:

      Yeah, it’s both – a trigger, and a present feeling. The triggered part of it is a lot worse.

      I’m sorry you are missing C.

      Thanks Ash

      • Ashana M said:

        Now I have adjusted I think and I also see a lot more of her than I was earlier in the week.

  4. Rachel said:

    I feel lonely too sometimes, and I am not alone. I’m inclined to agree with your last sentiment; the loneliness belonging to younger parts. I can be with people who love me and still feel the isolation. Not to negate the importance of forming relationships, but wanted to let you know I feel lonely too.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Rachel. For me, the two kinds of loneliness need two solutions – the first needs other people for the adult, but the second needs something else.

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