I had such a bad day at work. I feel about two inches tall at the moment, surrounded by blackness. I also don’t feel good about my therapy session from yesterday. I have this urge to write to Ron and quit. I tend to hate it when he’s in a cheerful mood – he seems to start trying to fix my life. If I was capable of fixing it, I would already have done that. He seems to stop listening as well. Maybe he’s just briefly extroverted and doesn’t know what to do with that, as he’s mostly so introverted.
At work I was defensive and impatient. I reacted angrily when I’d probably have been better to not react.
It was the director, D, the person there who triggers me. This all happened by email, but unfortunately other people were copied on that as well. A few days before, I’d written him this polite one liner because I needed his group’s help with a small project, which is for the head of the department. He didn’t reply, as per usual with him. But finally, this morning, I get an email from him that’s quite complicated with many mixed messages. I took those messages personally.
He basically said he had no time available from anyone in his group. He wanted more details on the request – it was a plain and obvious request, so I assume this was just his BS. He said he’d already given all kinds of time to me on this issue, and he’d expect specific questions, not a general request. He’d expect efficiency and something else, I forget what. Which I took to mean he hadn’t seen any efficiency from me yet to date.
So I defensively responded, I’d only needed two hours of his group’s time for this huge deliverable – hard to see how I could be more efficient. Could he be more specific as to when a resource would be available? I said I’d need about an hour. Did he feel that the info I needed had already been provided?
I’d been seeing red, but writing the email and sending it seemed satisfying. I copied my boss, because he needed to go back to the head to say there were timeline issues.
I remembered my experience being bullied a year ago. This felt similar, but less intense, because this is not my boss luckily. But the thing is, being quiet and taking it doesn’t seem to help with bullies. Standing up to them is more effective.
On the other hand, I’m just a contractor there, and D is a director. Big difference.
So first I felt better, and that lasted a while. I no longer felt afraid of D or worried about him walking by etc. But by afternoon, I was more and more regretful that I’d sent this email. After all, it’s his business if his group has time or not. It’s not my business is it.
On top of that, my work has dried up. My client E sent me some documents to read, and I dutifully did so, but they were almost incomprehensible. Then I put in time – made tea, went downstairs, clicked through some documents they have there. Clock watching just kills me.
So now, I feel in such a low mood. Bad day, bad day. I consider apologizing for the email, but can’t decide how bad it was, if it needs an apology. I consider apologizing to the boss, but ditto. I know E would object to it, but then, he avoids all conflict, to an extent which I don’t think is effective.
I don’t know why therapy seemed like a waste of time this week. I miss feeling connected to Ron. I consider lashing out at him, telling him the session was useless or something. I wrote him an email about something we talked about yesterday, and he replied, which usually feels nurturing, but today left me feeling cold and empty, like he just doesn’t get it.
I didn’t even say goodbye to the silent young man who sits next to me – I felt too sad to be bothered today.