Aack. I feel so judgemental. There’s an upsetting situation at work, and I want to fix it, because I believe it can be addressed at least and improved, but my client is standing in the way. Talking or arguing with him is like pushing against fluffy popcorn – you don’t get anywhere, because he’ll agree with whoever is speaking to him, won’t voice his opinions, and then go ahead and do whatever he likes regardless. He seems so friendly, and he is, and he is not scary. But he’s going a really wrong way, and I want to shift that, since this is my area of expertise after all. We had a team meeting yesterday, and yes, he agreed with everything I said and recommended, and now he’s gone ahead and done something else which is more pleasant for him. Sigh.
Plus I can’t figure out if he’s my ‘boss’ or not. His boss signs my time sheets. His boss is more direct and will confront, but also seems to want to solve problems. He doesn’t seem to have this terrible need to appear nice at all times. I kind of think his boss is also my actual boss, and E is just trying to manage this project I was hired for. Which he is doing incredibly badly, as far as communications are concerned.
I need to put this stuff aside at night. It keeps spinning through my brain. I want some time off, to be myself, not to obsess about work.
The second part of my session Friday was interesting, if I can remember.
I started saying that I wasn’t that excited about Ron’s idea of a ‘strong inner censor’. When you have parts, isn’t it more like you have these internal walls – feelings are held in parts. It’s not really the same as if I personally am censoring myself. It seems more like I don’t always have access to parts.
Ron listened and didn’t say much. I see here again I’m critical – that’s me. I always want to dispute ideas I don’t think are right. Sometimes they may be OK but I dispute them anyway, convinced my way is the best.
I said I wasn’t sure what else to talk about. Ron said try to find out what it is you’d like to say to me, while we’re together.
I sit there for a while. I realize, while i was talking about parts, I was kind of seeing the rooms of a house. I mention that. It’s like I’m hovering over a house with no roof, and I see the rooms laid out below.
Ron goes with that. So what’s it like walking in the house. I’m confused, and not at all sure I want to go there. Um….I don’t know? Maybe dark….
What rooms are there? Well….there’s a hall, and a living room, and a kitchen…..
This is stupid.
Why is it stupid?
Because it’s not real! It’s stupid. (I’ve switched to a kid part.)
Well, it’s OK to feel it’s stupid. Plus we can keep talking about it.
So are you alone in the house, is there someone else there?
Could i be there too, in the house with you, so it’s not as scary?
I don’t know….maybe.
Imagining Ron there with her does give this part a bit of hope.
So then we imagine walking through the house, from room to room. I feel scared and emotional, though about what, I don’t understand exactly. The house was not my childhood home, or any house I’d lived in really. It was an emotional experience, and it felt really connected and very real.
I think we spend a good twenty minutes with the house – until the session ends. I like this part of Ron – his interest in imagery and dreams. I say something about how amazing it is that this passing image I had could bring up so much stuff for me. Ron agrees it is amazing – he says our psyche produces dreams and fantasies for us all the time….and something about the richness of that.
I do feel very much in a young part by the end of the session. We take a few minutes to try and bring me back. Ron asks some questions about my everyday life – where I’m going next and such. It helps a bit to bring me back.
I don’t have a good explanation of what this meant. I know when I came home, I had absolutely no impulse to quit therapy. When parts are heavily involved, whatever happened feels meaningful to me.
Was the house some kind of symbol of my psyche? Or was it a representation of what it’s like to live with parts, with walls between ways of being and memory? I do know i often seem to dream of wandering through the rooms of a house, sometimes looking for something. The house is never a house I recognize.
Very mysterious. I do know a part was trying to communicate something, to tell something, and that was the best she could do at the moment.