I’m going through one of those periods where it’s hard to write. All my energy seems bound up in coping – working, then infrastructure – laundry, food, sleep. A tiny bit of entertainment but not much. And massage/acupuncture for the arm.
I don’t seem to be making any progress at all in therapy. Worse, Ron seems to think so also, which is even more discouraging.
I get to my evening session, and at first I’m a bit chatty – managing the situation as it were. Talking about a few problems quickly, not able to dive into or stay with anything much. I can feel all kinds of things underneath, but so muffled, it’s hard to express. Then talking dries up. I find it hard to talk about anything at all. Ron simply sits, waiting. I can’t really feel anything either. I’m just….coping. Getting to where I need to go. Showing up. I never cry anymore or get emotional.
After the sessions, at home, I think about quitting. I’m getting nowhere. Ron still misunderstands most things I try to explain, and then I give up. However….I can’t quit, I don’t think. Parts are attached to him. I know he is sincere. He never condescends, which can be rare in a health care provider. I know he does care. How often does someone care?
If I find a new T, how do I know it won’t be the same? The inability to open up is mine – it will still be there.
I was trying to think what had changed. I used to get right into my emotions, into parts. First I thought it was because I’m so buttoned up from the effort of coping all day, I just can’t unbutton for fifty minutes at the end of the day, when I’m exhausted.
Now I actually think it’s anxiety. I have this overarching anxiety that I won’t be able to cope with daily life. I mostly have coped, so it doesn’t make sense. It just seems to me it could all fall apart, I could stop being able to work, or something. I did sleep in Friday and got to work an hour late. And I think Monday, my shoulder was hurting a lot so I went in a few hours late as well. I did make up the time. At work, I think I have a constant anxiety buzz, first that I will switch into a part, second that I will do something inappropriate somehow, third that I don’t know the subject, and I don’t know what else.
So if it’s anxiety, maybe we could do breathing or calming things for a bit at the start, to try and lower it? I don’t know if it would help, but I do know the current silent waiting, and going after feelings or significant issues, just isn’t working at all. I just sit there. Feeling so bad because I want to explore my life, I want to get better. Even recognizing what the problem is would help.
I’d say most of what Ron did say last session didn’t hit the mark. I am frustrated with his not understanding much about me after so much therapy time.
And a work update. Work is going pretty well, contrary to my anxious expectations. They really need me, and this is one of those contracts where my skills are actually valued. It’s such an odd experience – I remain the same, but am seen so differently depending on where I land. There may be a lesson in there somewhere.
My client is quite an extroverted person, and he’s friendly. He doesn’t cause me a lot of anxiety. I feel fairly free to go and talk to him to discuss what I should do. There are some little tensions, as he’s older and maybe has an old-fashioned view of women – but it seems OK. It’s not triggering me, so whatever the problem, I feel I can deal. My new team-mate is also older, and seems extremely competent and clever. At first, I felt he was trying to take over a project I have, but now he has his own very thorny project, and it’s no longer an issue. So from a people perspective, I think maybe I’ve lucked out here. Fingers crossed.
Maybe I’ll try and remember my session in another post. I do think if I keep writing, it helps me process and to open up.