Today I feel more hopeful. I woke up feeling well, went off to the farmer’s market, which I love, then for treatment for my arm. My arm feels better as a result.
I see my therapy session differently today. It was an adult session where we discussed some things actually relevant to my current life, and it’s good to do that. Not switch out into some child part, but stay on topic for a while. These are painful subjects, but good ones. I didn’t add those into my last post, but I want to get them down.
First I told Ron the story of my work incident. I thought I handled it pretty well, so it was more of a show and tell than asking for his input. I have a project involving another group which is due at end of month. My client, E, had pushed for this co-worker, B, to be available to me for half and hour a day. The second time we met, I told B that the project had entirely changed, and explained what was new. He kind of listened, but grew more and more agitated. He had his own stuff which was due shortly, and was stressed out about that. His voice got louder and louder and he stopped just short of yelling at me. Finally he said he couldn’t meet this day or the next, and stalked out angrily.
I went back to my desk, very agitated. I hate getting yelled at. Why didn’t he just re-schedule the meeting if he had no time? Then he sent an email, copying his boss and E, saying this and that about the project, saying he was optimistic we could meet the timeline but he couldn’t meet until later next week. Fine. Then his boss, who is kind of a lose canon to tell the truth, fires off an email saying he can’t believe such a simple task (my project) was taking so long. What had even been accomplished so far?
So, I felt even more agitated. Angry at being called slow. I replied to this director saying the project had now changed, and we were looking into what the requirements were. And that I’d started both projects. I didn’t get defensive and point out we were waiting on his team for the last two weeks.
So I went home. Partly too tired to think, but when I did think, angry and upset. It’s amazing how these things agitate me.
Next morning, I’m standing in the shower, furious and afraid about this whole thing. Really really afraid. I don’t really know why. I think I’m afraid of my anger. So I decided to forgive myself. Forgive….forgive. I sent so much forgiveness to all parts of me, for not handling the situation perfectly, for my part in it, for being angry…..And I calmed right down. I felt so much better. I repeated the self-forgiveness that morning any time I started to feel afraid or angry.
Back at work, B sent another email in the same thread. I can’t remember what he said exactly – it was off the point anyway. Just saying again he can’t meet until maybe Thursday. (Sorry, this is boring.) So finally, i replied to him and just said that I too was optimistic I could meet the timeline, but when exactly could we meet? Would next Tuesday work? He wrote right back, Tuesday works, thanks for understanding! Huh. So I wrote no problem. So we are on good terms.
So overall, I felt I handled things well. I didn’t escalate anything, I wasn’t defensive, I think it will all be fine. I told Ron a condensed version of this, and he nodded his head. I told him I think I’m beating myself up all the time at work – for not understanding everything at once, for having a loud voice when I should have a soft voice, for being awkward….So then, when someone criticizes me, it’s like the end of the world to me. But if I can support myself, it does not become the end of the world. Instead I can sit back and think – hmm….that person is not acting skillfully, are they? He he.
…to be continued