Ah, life is once again kicking my butt. My frozen shoulder has been getting more painful instead of less. This despite twice a week acupuncture and once a week massage. The pain interrupts my sleep, so I’ve been very sleep-deprived. Friday I called in sick, feeling completely overwhelmed. So at least I’ve caught up on sleep somewhat – interrupted, but many short bursts of it.
I think this is bothering me so much because the pain has put my body into emergency mode. Instead of just being pain, which will likely go away eventually, my whole system is revving as for an emergency. Then – depression. Thick, dark, blechy. I’ve read somewhere that physical pain can trigger off an episode of depression if you’re vulnerable to it, and I can see how that works entirely.
The pain also triggers off body memories, though not full blown, but kind of foggy and in the background.
I did find something that kind of helped. The massage therapist was very helpful in that she talked a lot about how the body works and is connected. She said the hips are very connected to the shoulders, so stretching out the hips would help the shoulder. I bought a small ball, and laid on it with the ball under my hip, on the shoulder side. Wow, there is a really sore spot there. Working that spot, rolling around the ball, really helped for a time. Then I did some yoga stretches for both legs and hips. I ended up sobbing through some of the stretches, the release bringing up so much old sadness. But again, my shoulder felt more bearable. Then there are pressure points, below small finger and small toe, connected to the shoulder, and massaging those has helped some also. So while I’m not sure the massage helped directly with the pain, this body information did. And the massage therapist is lovely – an earth mother older wise woman type. I just soak up her attention.
So I’ve had a three day weekend but have been unable to enjoy. I was doubtful about returning to work Monday, but now I think I will. When I don’t go, I don’t get paid. Maybe one more session with stretching first.
I cannot remember my therapy session in detail and feel too tired to really make the effort. We talked of this and that. I was extremely exhausted from not sleeping, and my brain just didn’t work well at all. I think therapy does require some energy to do at all well – it’s not really enough to just show up. Anyway.
I remember the last fifteen minutes. I’d had trauma memories triggered out by acupuncture, and so I went into them a bit. They felt like a foggy kind of blanket coming towards me, especially my face. Ron suggested punching through that blanket, so I half-heartedly punched at it. Of course this made the sensations stronger. That was one reason I called in sick – it was all too much. Trauma memories plus not enough sleep all week.
It was one of those sessions where I didn’t feel close to Ron. Even though he really was attentive and I could feel he was there with me in the memories. Somehow, I couldn’t feel it enough. The next day, I started looking through therapists again on the internet, thinking of leaving. I suspect Ron thinks I’m not making much progress, maybe due to being cautious with the memories and reluctant to plunge in. I don’t know for sure though. I did write him an email about what I was feeling, and he replied, and it helped some. I would like Ron to think well of me, not that I’m malingering in therapy.
So, weekend’s almost over. I didn’t do anything but laundry. Life sucks sometimes.