Yuck

Ah, life is once again kicking my butt. My frozen shoulder has been getting more painful instead of less. This despite twice a week acupuncture and  once a week massage. The pain interrupts my sleep, so I’ve been very sleep-deprived. Friday I called in sick, feeling completely overwhelmed. So at least I’ve caught up on sleep somewhat – interrupted, but many short bursts of it.

I think this is bothering me so much because the pain has put my body into emergency mode. Instead of just being pain, which will likely go away eventually, my whole system is revving as for an emergency. Then – depression. Thick, dark, blechy. I’ve read somewhere that physical pain can trigger off an episode of depression if you’re vulnerable to it, and I can see how that works entirely.

The pain also triggers off body memories, though not full blown, but kind of foggy and in the background.

I did find something that kind of helped. The massage therapist was very helpful in that she talked a lot about how the body works and is connected. She said the hips are very connected to the shoulders, so stretching out the hips would help the shoulder. I bought a small ball, and laid on it with the ball under my hip, on the shoulder side. Wow, there is a really sore spot there. Working that spot, rolling around the ball, really helped for a time. Then I did some yoga stretches for both legs and hips. I ended up sobbing through some of the stretches, the release bringing up so much old sadness. But again, my shoulder felt more bearable. Then there are pressure points, below small finger and small toe, connected to the shoulder, and massaging those has helped some also. So while I’m not sure the massage helped directly with the pain, this body information did. And the massage therapist is lovely – an earth mother older wise woman type. I just soak up her attention.

So I’ve had a three day weekend but have been unable to enjoy. I was doubtful about returning to work Monday, but now I think I will. When I don’t go, I don’t get paid. Maybe one more session with stretching first.

I cannot remember my therapy session in detail and feel too tired to really make the effort. We talked of this and that. I was extremely exhausted from not sleeping, and my brain just didn’t work well at all. I think therapy does require some energy to do at all well – it’s not really enough to just show up. Anyway.

I remember the last fifteen minutes. I’d had trauma memories triggered out by acupuncture, and so I went into them a bit. They felt like a foggy kind of blanket coming towards me, especially my face. Ron suggested punching through that blanket, so I half-heartedly punched at it. Of course this made the sensations stronger. That was one reason I called in sick – it was all too much. Trauma memories plus not enough sleep all week.

It was one of those sessions where I didn’t feel close to Ron. Even though he really was attentive and I could feel he was there with me in the memories. Somehow, I couldn’t feel it enough. The next day, I started looking through therapists again on the internet, thinking of leaving. I suspect Ron thinks I’m not making much progress, maybe due to being cautious with the memories and reluctant to plunge in. I don’t know for sure though. I did write him an email about what I was feeling, and he replied, and it helped some. I would like Ron to think well of me, not that I’m malingering in therapy.

So, weekend’s almost over. I didn’t do anything but laundry. Life sucks sometimes.

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13 comments
  1. You are right, sometimes things just suck. My counselor would remind me that sometimes these plateaus are hit where nothing much is happening. Then the mind takes off again. Like you body needs some time to store up some energy. You will make it. The massaging you hips to help your shoulder is brilliant. I’ll keep that in mind for me too.
    Take care.

    • Ellen said:

      I actually put a soft small ball under my back at the top of my hip, and roll around on it. There’s a painful spot there, and I think it may be helping my shoulder also. Thank you Ruth

      • Andi said:

        There’s a muscle that runs from the hip to the bottom rib that pulls the whole thoracic cage and shoulder girdle down. Sounds like you released it a bit, which is great.

  2. ii doubt he thinks your not making progress. trauma memories are hard for anyone. you included. dont be too hard on yourself. you’ll talk when you feel more ready and more able to cope afterwords. it will happen it will just take time. XX

    • Ellen said:

      Well, he did say a couple sessions ago I seemed stuck. He seems to be hinting all the time I’m hanging back. Maybe I’m being too sensitive. Thanks Many

  3. Sirena said:

    The body is a facinating thing isn’t it? I’m glad you’re doing these body therapies along with traditional talk therapies, I am in no doubt of the benefit. Sorry you’re in pain though, I hope that passes very soon x

    • Ellen said:

      Yeah, the body therapies are good, and I learn stuff to take away, especially from the massage piece of it. Body/ mind/ emotions – all tied together. I know you have a chronic illness, and I just don’t know how I would cope with that, because a painful shoulder is already throwing me for a loop! Thank you Sirena

      • Sirena said:

        It’s really hard but you would cope because there’s no other option. X

  4. Rachel said:

    It does sound like a lot of yuck. Sending support.

  5. Andi said:

    Frozen shoulder is so tough because it’s one of those things that just spontaneously “thaws” on its own. Sounds like you’re doing a lot to help so I hope the pain eases up soon.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks. I think it’s actually more than frozen shoulder. There was a new massage therapist, and she found my whole arm was painful – I think it’s a combo of frozen shoulder and arm injuries from so much computer usage. Thank you Andi.

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