I wanted to get down some of my last session, but man, I’m tired. Work is going well though, in that it’s interesting, and no one is on my case. I don’t have friends, but everyone is OK. Once I have interesting things to work on, I don’t care so much if I don’t have anyone to chat with.
At the start of the session, I say I’m not sure where to begin. Usually Ron just waits when I say that – he really believes in letting the client bring the material. However, this time he mentions the angry email I sent him. I know I need to address that, but at this point, those angry feelings have vanished. I tell him I no longer feel angry, and that when I re-read the email, it seemed kind of harsh.
We talked about bringing the anger into the session where we could deal with it. I decided that yes, I would tell Ron how I was feeling about what he was saying.
It didn’t take long before something he said kind of irritated me, so I said it, and it was OK.
Ron made kind of a long speech about how my anger doesn’t scare him and that he can handle it, and that I need to express it so we can be in right relation to each other. Then he asked me how I felt about him at this point, and about what he was saying. I said I felt touched that he was OK with my anger. I did. He made a really touching speech. Other than that, I wasn’t totally sure how I felt. I think I felt pulled towards him somehow – closer. I’ve never had anyone be OK with my negative feelings.
I can no longer remember the details, but I know I did express how I felt about Ron, more, and that it felt really good and connected. He does say a lot of stuff that I don’t really agree with, and/or that I find painful. Telling him at the time he was saying it felt really pretty good and relieving somehow.
For instance, he has this odd theory that parts decided not to grow up. He says well, parts aren’t really children – they’re parts of you. Which is true enough. But this theory about them deciding not to grow up? I told him it was an unusual theory. That parts just happened – there they were – they didn’t decide anything. It’s like they come to and discover they’re alive….Kind of. He didn’t press on. I have no idea what he’s trying to say with this.
Oh yeah – in contrast to last week, where he told me I wasn’t making progress, this week Ron was more positive. He said that he thinks that at my core, I like myself. That expressing anger is part of that self-love. I say something about how a lot of women carve themselves up, or starve themselves, and I’m glad I can express anger outwardly instead of doing that. Definitely not to judge anyone who does that – just, I don’t, and I’m glad. I feel it’s better to get mad at your therapist.
I wish I could remember more. Must document sessions Friday or at least Saturday. I think my painful shoulder has maybe pushed everything else out of my mind.
About half an hour in, I had the strong feeling that I wasn’t saying what I needed to. I felt like I needed to communicate stuff, bad stuff, but I wasn’t doing it, because I wasn’t sure what that was. So it was a cue for parts to take the stage. First B, who chatted a bit about some programs we’d watched. Then another part, very shy, and deeply and painfully sad. Just so much sadness. It seemed to be enough to just sit with it and try to give voice to a bit of it. It was somehow helpful to do that, although no real story emerged. Just this split off unspeakably sad part.
I think that part was called up again when I got massage on Saturday. I cried a bit on the table, but spent most of the weekend feeling weepy and unable to do much grown-up stuff. Those emotions that I just touch on in therapy come bubbling to the surface under the kind hands of the massage therapist.
Overall Ron just seemed to be really paying attention and on top of it. So there.