Feeling things

Last weekend turned quite pleasant, and I got in the farmer’s market and a walk. This weekend is tougher. I’ve been having real problems with my shoulder, the pain keeping me up at night. So I’ve been going twice a week for acupuncture, which though it seemed to help at first, then stopped helping, as the pain came back. So this Saturday morning I went off for another session. I complained to the acupuncturist that it was still very painful.

After an hour of lying there with a few needles at various points, he came back and suggested additional massage. So the new agey type RMT came in and did massage. She was wonderful. So kind also – she talked softly to me, about what might be happening with my shoulder, and also about massage and other things. Funny because when I first came in and she greeted me at reception, I didn’t like her, because the new agey stuff seemed too much, she was too enthusiastic or something. But she had magical fingers and was very kind, so now I am a fan.

My shoulder does seem better though still hurting a bit. And of course the treatment has made me emotional. I cried a bit on the table, and then at home, and am getting almost nothing done. I guess in order to heal my shoulder, I’m going to have to accept being even less functional. I didn’t know  that was even possible. And whatever we discussed in therapy on Thursday has come back with more emotion, of course.

Thursday was a really great session. I will describe in a later post.

I feel sad because. I think in a way I never felt anything before this stint of therapy. Well, I did feel. I felt depression, which in a way is not a feeling. I felt the extremes – fear, or overwhelm when trauma came up. But I didn’t feel the everyday feelings, so in a way, I may have missed my entire life. Now the feelings are coming back, and it’s a lot to deal with. But it’s also like suddenly seeing life in three dimensions, instead of my usual two. It’s probably a good thing, and, it’s hard to cope with adult responsibilities at the same time.

Today I must do laundry, vacuum, shop, and cook, in order to be ready for the work week. So far, I haven’t done any of it. I did spend forty minutes breathing and listening to Gregorian chants, trying to gain some stability and calm so I can proceed with my day.

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10 comments
  1. Hugs. So glad you enjoyed last weekend. You will eventually get done what needs doing, so dont rush yourself. Emotions are so difficult sometimes. I totally get that. Stay safe, be gentle with yourself. XX

  2. leb105 said:

    this sounds amazing, E, like you’re coming out of your armor.

  3. I agree with the other posts. I think it’s scary and it hurts but also shows your readiness to process. Perhaps your shoulder pain is a manifestation of that? My left arm is weak from my injury and like you, it feels like a burden, it’s a loss of function that makes me feel less in control. So I can relate to the complexity of a painful and restrictive function. Chores aren’t urgent. Save them for when you have energy, right now, rest is probably better – and you’re listening to your body. Thinking of you xx

    • Ellen said:

      Could be. It actually hurt less after my (psychological) therapy – go figure. Its so all encompassing sometimes when you are dealing with physical pain. Though mine doesn’t compare to your motorcycle accident! Rest is helping a lot actually. Thank you Penny. Hope you are healing up well.

  4. Andi said:

    Glad you gave acupuncture a try. That’s something I have been considering for my hip pain. The farmers market sounds nice. And as for the emotions – That is always tough. Be easy on yourself.

    • Ellen said:

      Yeah, acupuncture is interesting. It does bring up stuff, so be warned if you try it out. I’m not sure about your case – you’d have to investigate whether acupuncture would be helpful. Combined with massage, it’s helped me a lot. Love the farmer’s market. Thanks Andi

  5. e.Nice said:

    Glad your shoulder seems to be gradually getting better. Glad work is going well for you now too. It sounds like you are finding space for the feelings and taking care of yourself. I think thats important. Good job 🙂

  6. Rachel said:

    The feelings coming back are a lot to deal with. So much. Really unmanageable, in any kind of large doses. Small amounts is really the only way to process and digest them, which it seems like you are slowly allowing.

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