Strange weather for mid-September here – it’s humid and too warm. Not my kind of weather.
I’ve been sleeping incredibly badly, and I’m hoping if I write some things out I’ll be able to sleep better.
The big deal in my life is still my new job. I don’t much like it, but on the other hand, it’s not terrible. I like having to push myself, to go out early, in good clothes. It’s good to have somewhere I need to be. It’s just….lonely. I was thinking that basically, no one ever talks to me unless I talk to them first. Nothing happens unless I make it happen. And, not being a social butterfly, I don’t make much happen. I say hello and goodbye to two co-workers, and we have tiny stilted conversations at those times, sometimes. I’ve asked to meet twice with the client whose project I’m on, and he has complied. Mostly, I’m left to my own devices.
I am a clock watcher. I carefully gauge how long until I can plausibly go for a coffee break, how long until lunch…I wonder if this is because I’m a contractor, that I’m simply left. This job, I was never even introduced to anyone else on my team. Though come to think of it, a few people have introduced themselves in the lunch room and wanted to know who I was.
Today in the afternoon, my mood sank just desperately low. Starting to wonder what was the point of life, etc.
I’ve also gone for acupuncture. Apparently I have a frozen shoulder – I just knew it’s painful and I can’t lift my arm. The treatment really helped, but he said I’d need a course of treatments, and that the shoulder is the most complicated joint in the body. Unfortunately, the treatment also brought on body memories/flashbacks. Acupuncture has that effect on me. I end up really shut down, and cannot sleep at all. It seems like the needles release things from my body, which is likely good for health, but is difficult to tolerate.
So there’s that. I’ve put off the next treatment until Friday, so that I’ll have the weekend to recover if needed. I’ll tell him I couldn’t sleep, and maybe he can do something. I believe there are points for insomnia after all.
I don’t know what to talk about in therapy tomorrow. I’ll be really tired from work. I wanted to talk about seeing my family last week, so I could talk about that, what I remember. It was a confusing visit. I really don’t know what else to discuss. There’s nothing he can do about my work, and my life is working and recovering. Needing to still take care of life – clothes, food, clean-up. I’ve thought a couple times of emailing Ron this week, especially after the acupuncture triggered me. But I didn’t. I do feel more connected to him if I email, but since his vacation, I just haven’t.
Arghhh….I’m feeling low. Hard to know what to say about it.
I’m trying to take care of child parts at lunch. Today I went to a garden that’s a subway stop away, and sat on a shady bench. Oh yeah, and a seriously disturbed man stood way too close to me and shouted at me that I was going to hell – now give him a dollar. Yech. But other than that, the garden was very pretty in the shimmery fall warmth. And I’m listening to kid’s music on my Ipod at lunch. I have one album from a Disney movie, and the kid loves it – it’s hers. I need to get a few more for a bit of variety.
I’m not going to apologize for being depressing. I’ll just hit publish.