Going along

Strange weather for mid-September here – it’s humid and too warm. Not my kind of weather.

I’ve been sleeping incredibly badly, and I’m hoping if I write some things out I’ll be able to sleep better.

The big deal in my life is still my new job. I don’t much like it, but on the other hand, it’s not terrible. I like having to push myself, to go out early, in good clothes. It’s good to have somewhere I need to be. It’s just….lonely. I was thinking that basically, no  one ever talks to me unless I talk to them first. Nothing happens unless I make it happen. And, not being a social butterfly, I don’t make much happen. I say hello and goodbye to two co-workers, and we have tiny stilted conversations at those times, sometimes. I’ve asked to meet twice with the client whose project I’m on, and he has complied. Mostly, I’m left to my own devices.

I am a clock watcher. I carefully gauge how long until I can plausibly go for a coffee break, how long until lunch…I wonder if this is because I’m a contractor, that I’m simply left. This job, I was never even introduced to anyone else on my team. Though come to think of it, a few people have introduced themselves in the lunch room and wanted to know who I was.

Today in the afternoon, my mood sank just desperately low. Starting to wonder what was the point of life, etc.

I’ve also gone for acupuncture. Apparently I have a frozen shoulder – I just knew it’s painful and I can’t lift my arm. The treatment really helped, but he said I’d need a course of treatments, and that the shoulder is the most complicated joint in the body. Unfortunately, the treatment also brought on body memories/flashbacks. Acupuncture has that effect on me. I end up really shut down, and cannot sleep at all. It seems like the needles release things from my body, which is likely good for health, but is difficult to tolerate.

So there’s that. I’ve put off the next treatment until Friday, so that I’ll have the weekend to recover if needed. I’ll tell him I couldn’t sleep, and maybe he can do something. I believe there are points for insomnia after all.

I don’t know what to talk about in therapy tomorrow. I’ll be really tired from work. I wanted to talk about seeing my family last week, so I could talk about that, what I remember. It was a confusing visit. I really don’t know what else to discuss. There’s nothing he can do about my work, and my life is working and recovering. Needing to still take care of life – clothes, food, clean-up. I’ve thought a couple times of emailing Ron this week, especially after the acupuncture triggered me. But I didn’t. I do feel more connected to him if I email, but since his vacation, I just haven’t.

Arghhh….I’m feeling low. Hard to know what to say about it.

I’m trying to take care of child parts at lunch. Today I went to a garden that’s a subway stop away, and sat on a shady bench. Oh yeah, and a seriously disturbed man stood way too close to me and shouted at me that I was going to hell – now give him a dollar.  Yech. But other than that, the garden was very pretty in the shimmery fall warmth. And I’m listening to kid’s music on my Ipod at lunch. I have one album from a Disney movie, and the kid loves it – it’s hers. I need to get a few more for a bit of variety.

I’m not going to apologize for being depressing. I’ll just hit publish.

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21 comments
  1. I’m glad you’re being honest. Don’t take it personally at the lack of interest, people are self absorbed. Self interested. It feels personal, but forming new relationships is hard. People generally aren’t bothered. I’m glad you found some peace – aside the guy that damned you to hell! But then we would have damned a lot of people that day and the next! X

    • Ellen said:

      People are self-absorbed, it’s good to remember that. Thanks Penny.

  2. Sorry about the difficulties. 😦 My husband has been dealing with a locked shoulder for a couple of months, now, so I have a lot of sympathy for that. I hope that the acupuncture helps it heal quickly!

    • Ellen said:

      The acupuncture really helps. Also the exercises he showed me. Maybe your hubs would like to try it? But I think there are a lot of approaches that can help with this. I’d say my shoulder is fifty percent better after two treatments. So not bad, compared to it staying the same without treatment. Thanks for the sympathy Cat. Hope you are well.

  3. e.Nice said:

    Feeling isolated at work is difficult since we spend a good portion of our day there. Good job on taking time for yourself and meeting those needs. Can you put on headphones at work and listen to stuff that is comforting there? Can you bring healthy snacks or whatever to break up the monotony? Good luck on the acupuncture. I’ve never done it but I have heard it can get a lot of stuff out so theres a time where it feels less helpful, like lancing an infection (eww gross!).

    • Ellen said:

      Yeah, feeling isolated sucks. I do listen to jazz radio sometimes when I’m working – I find instrumental music lets me think best. And yes, I’m all about snacks! I usually eat an apple, then almonds and of course chocolate. The acupuncture got better the second treatment – I told him it was too much, so he toned down the treatment. He’s good like that. Thanks Nice.

  4. Cat said:

    Sounds so soul destroying at work, but I’m sure the others are too absorbed in their own things. Hope you feel better for the weekend

    • Ellen said:

      Work is so difficult for me. Thanks Cat.

      • Cat said:

        Sorry to hear that Ellen. I would find those kind of environments very intimidating and triggering. I hpe things settle down

  5. Andi said:

    I’m feeling very similar right now. Possibly because I am also not sleeping.

    • Ellen said:

      Lack of sleep is a killer – it makes everything so much worse. Hope we both get some rest soon. Thanks.

  6. You so don’t have to apologize for feeling depressed, I’ve never felt like that (sarcasm). Here is something that SO helps me…Pandora radio. Oh my goodness, you can customize show tunes, children’s music, piano music, Muppets (seriously just songs from the muppets that are all feel good)…did i mention that I love pandora. I synch my phone in the car, I listen to it with my son and we sing aloud to everything from Rainbow Connection to Phantom of the Opera.
    Anyhow, if it helps to know that your depression won’t last forever. I’m actually feeling a lot better and I was pretty low. So the crappy downs stick around but there is hope.
    I wish I lived close by and I would come over or we could go for coffee. It would be nice!

    • Ellen said:

      I loved Pandora, when we had it here. So great. And that was before I knew about my love of children’s songs. Unfortunately they block it in Canada. Maybe there is something similar here but I don’t know what. It’s cool that you sing along with your son. 🙂

      I am glad you are doing better. I am just so tired, I don’t have the energy to feel better. But I will continue to hope for the best. It would be lovely to go for coffee with you!

      Thank you AG.

  7. I hope you get some sleep soon and the shoulder heals up! I am not sleeping too good either right now. I refuse to take sleep meds though, will just do other things instead. I’m trying to lose weight so putting extra meds into my body wont help in that regard. Nice your doing things to help child parts too, spotify is good. or sprouts on tv its a kids network if you have cable. XX

    • Ellen said:

      I don’t want to take sleep meds either, though I do take Benadryl. Sometimes a Xanax. The sleep just isn’t the same as natural sleep, and I don’t want to get dependent. I will try spotify. I live in Canada so not sure if I get that show, but we do have children’s shows…Thank you Many.

  8. Hugs, I agree with ambibalencegirl….no need to apologize, one of the things about a blog you can be real and feel what you feel. Starting a new job is tough. In the job I am in now I was there 3 weeks before I talked. I followed instructions but tend not to interact with others. I also learned that people are self absorbed and don’t look much beyond their own needs. I think that is one of the big pluses about serving others is I think of others and their concerns. Yesterday I went and played with the kids at the preschool where I work. I did a puzzle with a 3 year old. I sometimes feel about that old too. The garden sounds lovely but like all gardens there is going to be weeds. Sadness for the poor unhappy man that feels he must condemn others to feel good about himself. Hugs. I know saying it takes times sounds kind of useless but it really does work. Being able to sleep helps too. I hope the shoulder feels better soon.

    • Ellen said:

      I sometimes feel like a three year old also, who just wants someone to help her with the puzzle. Nice that you help children – I’d think that would be a healing activity. In my job, they are expecting me to tell them what to do, as a consultant. It’s hard, when you don’t know the particular business.

      That homeless guy was psychotic I think – he wasn’t much in touch with reality. It is sad.

      I agree time helps. Eventually I will get used to the new job, the new people, and my system will calm down. Thanks for sharing your story as well. Hugs.

  9. Rachel said:

    Sorry you are feeling down. I like that you are taking care of parts, and being attuned to yourself in those moments.

  10. Grainne said:

    Sorry to hear it’s a down day for you. Acupuncture has a similar effect on me…seems to help the ailments but brings up a lot of stuff. Funny, because getting tattoos do the opposite for me.

    How rude that they didn’t even bother to introduce you to your coworkers. That makes everything feel so awkward. Keep smiling at people and they’ll chat you up in the lunch room. As always, wish I could meet you for a coffee break! I am, right now, clock watching. (2 hours, 45 minutes to go)

    • Ellen said:

      It’s interesting that tats do the opposite for you. I have heard people get a high from having them done – endorphins from the pain maybe. Maybe acupuncture isn’t painful enough for that? Could be.

      You’re right, having a pleasant expression does help, and some people do talk to me. Yeah, we fellow clock watchers could have a good coffee break, lol. Thanks Grainne

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