Bit of a lonely long weekend. But then, I’m not really taking steps to ease loneliness either. Part of me likes being alone. I can feel as I wish, I don’t have to perform for anyone.
I wanted to write about my session.
One of the main things for me is that I’m going after work. In order to work and function, I batten everything down very securely. So when I go to therapy, I’m going in that battened down state. I can feel all the stuff, but it’s behind walls. So the conversation felt a bit superficial – I didn’t get into any deep feelings. I worried I’d feel lonely and unheard afterwards as a result, but that didn’t happen. Somehow, I still felt a connection.
One main topic was switching. I’ve been switching into child modes by mistake. I told him about what happened in group last week. Then I’ve had a similar trouble at work. I was meeting with a manager there who will be working with me, pretty well every day. I ended up talking from a child like place. Not as young as in the group luckily. But a really uncertain place, complete with really soft voice and quavering, and looking overwhelmed.
I wish so much this wouldn’t happen. We talk about why I might be doing this. I’m in a new job, I don’t know anything about the subject they’re dealing with (probabilities, future scenarios, all kinds of testing). I’ve been trying to read their reports and documents and none of it is making much sense. So it’s easy to feel like a child who doesn’t know what all the grown-ups understand. I think that’s probably it. So what I need to realize is that anyone would feel the way I do. It’s normal to not know things when beginning a job. In fact, that’s why most people don’t switch jobs over and over the way I do.
Ron comments that I need to find the mechanism of when I switch. I agree, but it’s not that easy. I think if I could feel the emotions, that would help. I think I’m switching before I feel them. So hopefully, forewarned is forearmed – if I know I’m liable to do this, I’ll be able to prevent it.
Ron also says that I seem to feel ashamed of this. And I say I do – it’s worse, the younger the part is. So at the group, I felt shame like a physical pain that stayed with me long after. At work, it’s an older part, and the shame isn’t as severe.
Ron comments at some point that he is reading the book I lent him. I’m so pleased and tell him so. That he would go to that trouble in order to help me. He says they’re trying to be very ‘medical’. Which is true I suppose. The authors are doctors I think, and are trying to speak in very scientific language. Plus they’re not very good writers, so the book is a little stodgy. I just say that’s true and leave it at that. Later, I think, well, Freud was trying to be medical also, and he’s the father of psychodynamic therapy. Just Freud was also a good writer and a genius, which the authors of this book just aren’t. But it has solid information. And being part of the establishment, the writers have funding and have worked with many patients with dissociative disorders, so I think they have good stuff to say.
What else. I tell Ron about my mother’s phone call. She told me my brother is separating from his long-time girlfriend. She’s upset about this. I sympathize with her, but I don’t feel much. I have had minimal contact with both of them.
We talk a bit about love. Ron tells me a bit about his opinion – that sometimes, finding a healthy partner is just luck. I was saying how my family is really dysfunctional, so if any problems come up, they’d never be discussed, and so relationships will flounder. None of us (siblings) are married – all of our relationships ended. I say I know I’m not one to talk, since I have no relationships. By the time I get healthier, I’ll be too old. Ron says he’s worked with clients who have the same relationship, over and over, then suddenly, they have one that’s different. Luck. And he’s worked with couples where one person is significantly more mature than another, and the partnership still works. The immature person lucked out and met someone healthier.
We talk a bit more about my family. Ron says again how severe he considers my dad’s abuse to be, not talking to me for several years when I was a child. I don’t like to think about this very much. We talk about how it’s less clearly abuse than physical – if there’s blood all over the floor, you know something bad happened. It could be there are witnesses to confirm it too. With what happened to me, my family can simply deny that ever happened. Reality is what they wish it to be.
Then B talks a bit with Ron. She tells him about wanting to buy curtains and a rug. Then Ron asks me what I think about it. That’s new – that he’d ask me my views about what another part said. Probably comes from reading the book. I tell him I get stuck on which to choose. Ron thinks it would be a good idea to support B by buying curtains, taking care of myself in that way.
B is drawing during her time talking, and after. It really seems to help her feel present and accounted for.
That’s about it. I’m super tired from work, and walk quickly back to my car and drive straight home. It wasn’t an emotional session, but it was a bit of connection. Also being able to discuss the switching problem was good. I feel so alone with everything – it’s good just to be able to talk.