I have been feeling rotten. I’m toying with the idea of going in for a session Monday, to discuss things. Ron offered me time, so his vacation would be less long (from my perspective 🙂 ). Tuesday I start the new contract.
I think I probably won’t go in Monday. I feel like I need containment, and Ron doesn’t generally help with that. I fear feeling even worse, and then not being able to start the new job. I wish I knew something that would help, but not open things up more, but I don’t.
I think I’m actually being triggered by the air. Which is not easy to escape. I’ve got the allergies under control with various supplements and diet, so at least I don’t have med side effects to bother me. But I still feel the pollen – the air feels thick and blanket-like to me. Which seems to remind parts of me of someone being too close, not being able to breathe. So I’ve been having a bunch of distressing body memories.
Mostly I was pushing them aside, going out and about in order to be more adult. Today I seem to have given up. I did do some meditation, and allowed crap to be there. My legs started shaking, so after the meditation I put my legs up the wall for maybe twenty minutes. It all felt OK in a way – like I was trying to deal with what was there.
Now I don’t really know what to do. I tried reading a fantasy novel, so the kid might like it too. Reading seems to put the dissociative walls back up though, so then I feel spacey and strange. I went back to bed for a while, just breathing and lying there.
OK. Reboot. I finally turned on my rickety AC, and it is really helping! The air is going back to just being air, I got some chores done. Wow. I should have turned it on yesterday also.
Yesterday I went to my ACA group. This is where I finally realized how triggered I’ve been by the pollen and breathing difficulties. I’d been feeling anxious/depressed/low energy, but pushing through, always doing something. In group, I ended up switching to a child part. By accident of course. And it was maybe not that noticeable. But it completely shocked me. At break, I had had a small chat with one woman sitting beside me, so then I turned to the man sitting on my other side. He was talking to no one, seemed very intense and maybe was meditating? Or breathing or something. The combo of my difficulties all day, and then having this remote man sitting next to me seemed to call out B, who started talking to this guy in a child type voice.
I was so embarrassed. I think he responded with one word, and then the group got going again.
Then sharing, I was again in a child space – very shy, very nervous, but still wanting to share. It’s a hurt child space. My voice was soft and even shaking a bit. I mentioned something vague about switching, though I didn’t call it that, and how it embarrasses me when that happens. Then about starting a new job. And feeling anxious. Pretty short. And after I finished, I realized, wait, that’s not adult me. Darn.
So I felt ashamed altogether.
I’d say three quarters of the folks there share from a conversational type space, and always very adult. Some of it is self-help, how they’re trying to improve themselves. One woman shares pretty much always about some practical issue she is having. The one quarter are more emotional. Last time, one fellow was clearly in an emotional crisis, and was trying to work through his past in the group. I worry about people in crisis, for one thing, that being so dedicated to working through according to the program is going to push them further into crisis. There are different levels of trauma after all, and some types need to be approached really gently.
Anyway, one of the adult type people laughed at me when I spoke as a child. She probably didn’t mean to – even Ron has done it, before he understood what was happening. But, it did hurt. She is an extremely unemotional person, who likely hasn’t had to work through much emotional stuff, and of course, she wouldn’t understand.
After group, I just left without talking to anyone. I felt like a freak basically. I hate being in parts sometimes.
That’s how it solidified in my mind today that this pollen is actually not just uncomfortable, but it’s triggering memories held in parts. Two weeks to go with the pollen.