Break

Well, I’m off work. My last day was fine. It always amazes me how I worry about things, but then they come and go, and it’s really no big deal.

I went out to lunch, separately, with both friends I made at work. I think I can call them friends – not deep friends, but people who want to hang around with me at work. I had all these reservations and worries, that they wouldn’t care I was leaving, but they did. It made me feel good. And this is the first contract where I made friends, really. I’d interact pleasantly with co-workers in other contracts, but never went to lunch with anyone. And with both of these, our jobs didn’t intersect, so it’s like I feel chosen somehow.

I wonder what’s changed. I think my confidence is just generally better. Plus I think buying a more business type wardrobe helped me look like I fit in better. It seems superficial, but these things matter. I don’t have natural good looks or youth, but can try and polish up a bit. I don’t have style either. So many women seem to have natural flair, and I don’t. But, it isn’t that important. As long as I wear decent quality newish type clothes, it’s OK.

The one woman I worked most closely with is in the US, so we mostly met on the phone, though she came to visit in person once. She said some kind words about how impressed she was with how I handled some things. I told her she was my best and most committed co-worker on this particular project. It was so kind of her to say something positive about me, as certainly no one else has at this job. I don’t think she would have said if she didn’t mean it, so there, I did some good  things perhaps. Bless her.

The reason I’m uncertain is I did so much nothing in this contract, in between doing actual project work. I have no idea what this boss was thinking. However, if I translate him into what anyone in my family would think, it would be bad. He might have thought that I was brought in as an expert in this particular area, and so could write reams of material without taking up anyone else’s time. I never advertised myself as a subject matter expert, but that could be how he thought of me. Then, I can see how I would be very disappointing, not producing anything on my own, constantly asking people questions.

Being a technical writer, especially doing contracts, is more like being a journalist than a specialist writing a paper. I am not the expert. If I’m made to sit at a cubicle by myself, and asked to write, nothing much good will happen.

However, since we never had this conversation, I have no idea what this boss thought. What is true is that he took over the project, re-wrote large chunks of it, and ignored me for the most part.

Anyway. Everyone was surprised I was leaving when I walked around to say goodbye on my last day. The admin said she should have been informed, so she could have sent me instructions, but anyway. He hadn’t told the second in command there either, so she was surprised. She offered to take me out to lunch, which I declined. It would have been super awkward, as we don’t get along well, but it was still nice of her to offer.

So. It was all pretty easy, and some nice things happened too. Overall the contract wasn’t a success, but it wasn’t a complete wash either. The end product was in place when I left after all. Some people liked me. It was interesting work.

I guess I haven’t been making great use of my days off. I’ve been struggling with allergies, which can be a huge deal for me. I don’t do well on the anti-histamines. They are so non-drowsy I can’t sleep at all. Plus they make me feel strange. So I have been trying the supplements/herbs/diet route, and it’s working pretty well, fingers crossed. I didn’t take anything today except natural stuff, and I can cope. I’m taking so many different supplements, I don’t know what is making the difference though.

I finally did a bunch of research on this. Not sure what was stopping me previously. There are a lot of options to try for allergies, and I’m trying a lot of them at once. Plus I stepped up the Paleo diet again, which seems to help, strangely. Apparently your gut is closely tied to your immune system. So I’m also back on probiotics and digestive enzymes. Onions, garlic, blueberries every day. Kale. Today I cooked some liver.

Yesterday I went into a small herb dispensary type place and bought their allergy tea. That definitely does something, but it seems very sedating as well. And it slightly irritates my stomach. So may not continue with that. Bye bye fourteen dollars. I could have taken a sample first, I should always do that. I still like the concept of dried herb infusions to help with specific problems – I’m going to try some other kinds in future. The tea feels incredibly warming and nurturing, even though it’s having some odd effects.

I also want to try and at least buy curtains for my living room, and maybe a rug also. Spruce the place up so it looks like somebody cares. But I’ve been struggling with low energy, so nothing much has happened on that front.

Ron is away until the end of the week. I’ve been aware of his absence, but not pining to see him. The therapy is so painful, I’m just as glad to have a break. I miss him as a person, but I don’t miss therapy. Which is good – I need a break too, to gather my resources and to just chill.

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5 comments
  1. Ashana M said:

    Some people like control. Life gets uncertain and they look for ways to have more control. You are a contract worker. You won’t get angry or become a bigger problem, so boss took over your project to make his life more predictable in some small way. He can’t control so many things, but he can control your project. (I’m guessing.) It’s a way of handling anxiety.

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, that’s likely it. I tend to think stuff like he thought I couldn’t do it, but I think you’re right – this was just easiest for him. As was not saying goodbye and not telling anyone I was leaving. Control is huge. It’s really not much about me.

      I’m always amazed at your insight into my situation, which is such a different scenario from your own Ashana. Thanks!

  2. Cat said:

    I am looking forward to going back to therapy next week, but it has been good to take a break and just let my head numb out! I m pleased you’re leaving the last contract with a reasonably positive view of your time there… jobs done, good luck with the next one

  3. enjoy your time off. The work does sound interesting. Hope your allergies clear up soon! XX

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