I feel as if I’ve come through this boss problem – I feel better.
Yesterday I went off to my twelve step group, and this time it was a good experience – I was so glad I went. Not that I had a fantastic time there, because sitting listening to people’s very painful issues can be hard. But I felt better afterwards – more connected to the world somehow. One of the people there makes a point of coming over to talk to me – she’s kind of a leader, so she’s being friendly as a matter of policy. But I’ll take it. If people want to be kind, I’ll accept.
I spoke briefly about this boss situation. It was a very large group – I’d say almost thirty people, and everyone is theoretically supposed to have a chance to share, so there wasn’t much time available for each person. But that’s OK – I don’t tend to go on for a long time, I kind of say my piece and stop. I’m not relaxed enough to expand on things anyway.
I like to speak about my daily life, rather than deeper issues of trauma or parts. I find I get a lot out of just sharing life stuff, and I’m not sure the vulnerability needed to share on trauma would pay off for me in this group. I just want to feel some connection, and to feel less alone in my struggles. Plus it’s surprising – sometimes someone relates to an issue I share. Like this time, I woman came up to me after and said she related to my troubles at work. I felt too emotional to discuss it with a stranger, but I thanked her before I left. It’s nice to think, oh yeah, other people, normal looking people, struggle with similar things.
I’m considering getting more into step work. I think what really propels people along are step studies. However, I’m a little leery also. I’m leery of being more triggered than I am already by my therapy. Plus, I just have a hard time committing to things when I so often shut down and can’t get out to attend. But – I would get to know people better, and the steps might be beneficial.
I’ve been again trying to watch House of Cards. I don’t really like it. I can see that it’s good, well written and acted, complex. I just don’t emotionally like it. I think it reminds me a bit of work, of how I fear things are really happening there. Paranoia anyone? The clothes, the self presentation, the need to act a certain way at all times. And in a show, I need to connect to someone, and everyone in House of Cards is just evil, basically. Not even misguided, but downright bad. So, I might give up on it. I don’t know why I can’t just sit back and be glad I don’t work at the White House. Maybe at another time in my life I’ll like it.
Two more days of work. Mornings of work. Of sitting in my cubicle anyway.
I’m trying to reframe the boss’ actions. He has generally been polite, so likely he left for vacation and just didn’t think about my leaving. It doesn’t have to be deliberate. So I’ll think of it like that. I still feel angry at the way he swooped in and took away my project. But – maybe that’s the way he always works. It again doesn’t have to be personal. I think I’m through the worst of the triggered feelings, and am trying to tell myself a happier story.
I’m also stopping myself from thinking pessimistically about my next contract. Why not expect good things? Why not expect that I will have good work to do, with a decent manager, and that I’ll be accepted and appreciated? This could happen after all.
In general, I’m trying for kindness to self. Especially kindness to younger parts, who seem to believe everything I think. I need to send B good positive messages – Ron is coming back, he hasn’t gone away for good; this next contract will most likely be a good change, with good people; allergy season only lasts a few weeks – it’s not forever. Stuff that I know, but need to explain to younger parts.