Spiraled

My distress with work continues. This is unexpected – I thought I’d just be happy to go. Apparently not.

I’ve stayed in bed a lot of today and yesterday, though yesterday I had to go in in the morning. Today I ventured out for a hair appointment, but that seems to be all the effort I’m capable of for the day. I feel like I’m in a depression.

The boss apparently left for a two week vacation on Wednesday. I found this out by accident, by chatting with a co-worker. So. He didn’t bother saying goodbye or even letting me know he was going to be away. I guess I’ll leave my laptop with a co-worker then on my last day – thanks for all the caring Mr. Boss.

I remember when my previous contract ended unexpectedly. I was unreservedly happy, despite having nothing else lined up. That boss bullied me, I hated him, I hated the project – it was a clear situation. He didn’t remind me of my father in any way. There are many ways to be hurtful after all.

This time, when I initiated the leaving, it’s as if I’ve gone into mourning. But this boss totally triggers my father issues. The same PhD, that’s in the background of everything somehow. Then, he was charming and seemed kind at first. My father also can turn on the charm, and lots of people think he’s wonderful. And for me as a child, my father had a loving side, and he was my source of love in the family.

Then, he ignored my project for reasons of his own. Then, when one time we disagreed, he seemed to take it pretty badly. It was not OK. And the way he manages relationships seems to be with distance.  He just kind of drops you. Cue intense triggering – my father does that.

So, that must be why I feel endlessly depressed. I’m assuming I felt like that when my father ignored me for all those years – worthless.

That’s all I seem able to say about it. I hope I can snap out of this and enjoy some time off before my next contract starts. I’m already mad at myself for feeling like this and wasting these days. Hoping it’s time limited.

I did have one positive experience which I’m grateful for. There is a very young co-worker I’d gone for coffee with a few times – she’d reached out to me, and we kind of hit it off despite our age difference. It could be she’s looking for an older person to steady her, poor  her, picking me, lol. Anyway, we went for lunch, I told her I was leaving, and she said so many times she’d miss me. It was lovely to sit and have lunch and chat for a while. I am almost friendless at the moment, and it’s heartening to think I now seem a desirable coffee mate to some. In my previous four year job, I didn’t make one coffee connection. I really feel that although my therapy hasn’t done much for my PTSD / DDNOS situation, it’s helped me with relationships. I shed a bunch of difficult friendships, but now maybe I can attract some people into my life who I can have a genuine connection with. I feel I do have much to give, if I just get a chance. I’m a good listener, I’m  thoughtful. I just need to pay attention to find those who are on somewhat the same wavelength as I am. BTW, this co-worker is from a different culture, but that isn’t a factor in whom I like to spend time with. Actually, it may be a positive factor – I’ve always loved being around people from different cultures.

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11 comments
  1. Andi said:

    I’ve noticed that therapy has helped improve my interpersonal life as well. Almost an unintended side-effect, haha. Sounds like you might be beginning to attract some positive people to you, which is great.

    • Ellen said:

      A rare positive side effect. 🙂 Thanks Andi

  2. It’s hard when you expect it to be easy and it turns out to be almost unbearable. Take care.

    • Ellen said:

      Yeah, it is. Thanks Ash

  3. e.Nice said:

    Triggers are hard, but I’m glad you are able to recognize where its coming from. I kind of believe we bump into people in our lives for a reason. The hurt is still there, but maybe learning from the trigger will help for the next time you bump into someone similar. I know it doesn’t mean much, but I feel like you are worth much!

    • Ellen said:

      That’s a very therapeutic type comment, from someone who hates therapy nice. 🙂

      I agree learning from triggers is ideal. I almost wish I was sticking around longer, to get over this, but not quite, it’s too painful. But the reason I’m writing it out is to try and learn and prepare for next time this happens.

      Thanks

      • e.Nice said:

        ooohh low blow with the therapeutic reference! 🙂

  4. I hope you get to spend some time off doing fun things. sorry that boss chose to not say goodbye, but, his loss. Glad you made a friend. XX

  5. Cat said:

    I hope you feel better once we leave, I’m sure of it!

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