I am so discouraged.
Therapy was awful this week. Now it’s a three week break. I could whittle that down to two, if I want a session the day before I start a new contract. Considering how I can’t cope the day after a session, probably not a good idea.
I can’t feel anything, except a dull horribleness, when I try to feel. I hate this feeling of being disembodied.
I was struggling in session with a feeling of being split, one part kind of too light, then the second part behind a wall which is holding back a bunch of crap. I should have just left it at that.
I’m too upset to really describe what happened. I think what happened at the end of the session did the damage. It was a bit of a trance state I suppose. I was trying to listen for parts, because everything had gone so quiet the past few days. Then B was talking I think. She said she was trapped in a dark cave, with some other people. Then she got massively upset, and cried a lot. She didn’t like being lost in a dark cave.
That lasted maybe ten minutes. Ron just lets it happen. Then I had to switch out in order to leave, as it was the end of the session. He started talking about scheduling stuff, but I really couldn’t concentrate on it. He doesn’t seem to get how massively disorganizing these states are for me.
At home I seemed OK, I cooked dinner and stuff. But today, I can’t feel anything. It’s like I’m made of metal.
I feel really angry. This is the down side of my therapy. Ron always goes for more feeling, he doesn’t get the aftermath, he really doesn’t help me manage it. This time I didn’t feel connected to him especially, so I don’t have a sense that anyone was helping me through it. So I’m stuck, can’t feel anything, can’t really function, he’s off on vacation.
I really want to quit therapy. But, whether I do or not, I still somehow have to get myself back to functional and back to feeling something. I am just so discouraged – here I am again, in this same bad place.