Discouraged

I am so discouraged.

Therapy was awful this week. Now it’s a three week break. I could whittle that down to two, if I want a session the day before I start a new contract. Considering how I can’t cope the day after a session, probably not a good idea.

I can’t feel anything, except a dull horribleness, when I try to feel. I hate this feeling of being disembodied.

I was struggling in session with a feeling of being split, one part kind of too light, then the second part behind a wall which is holding back a bunch of crap. I should have just left it at that.

I’m too upset to really describe what happened. I think what happened at the end of the session did the damage. It was a bit of a trance state I suppose. I was trying to listen for parts, because everything had gone so quiet the past few days. Then B was talking I think. She said she was trapped in a dark cave, with some other people. Then she got massively upset, and cried a lot. She didn’t like being lost in a dark cave.

That lasted maybe ten minutes. Ron just lets it happen. Then I had to switch out in order to leave, as it was the end of the session. He started talking about scheduling stuff, but I really couldn’t concentrate on it. He doesn’t seem to get how massively disorganizing these states are for me.

At home I seemed OK, I cooked dinner and stuff. But today, I can’t feel anything. It’s like I’m made of metal.

I feel really angry. This is the down side of my therapy. Ron always goes for more feeling, he doesn’t get the aftermath, he really doesn’t help me manage it. This time I didn’t feel connected to him especially, so I don’t have a sense that anyone was helping me through it. So I’m stuck, can’t feel anything, can’t really function, he’s off on vacation.

I really want to quit therapy. But, whether I do or not, I still somehow have to get myself back to functional and back to feeling something. I am just so discouraged – here I am again, in this same bad place.

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16 comments
  1. I’m sorry that it was so awful. šŸ˜¦

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you. You know what – I’m working through it – writing it out helped. With me, it’s all a process.

  2. Andi said:

    Well that sounds awful. I hate when sessions leave me feeling more split open and disorganized, which is something T and I are (sorta) working on right now (if I’d actually let her help me). Thinking of you during this break (my therapy break is next week…ugh).

  3. e.Nice said:

    Feeling for you. Discouragement is so… well discouraging! Hoping the break gives you time to settle, to recover, to breathe instead of pain and confusion and all that.

  4. luvlee said:

    I’m sorry. I have this to. It’s like they must think we snap out of it so easily. I never feel connected to her. It sux

    • Ellen said:

      Sorry you have this also. I have to say at times I feel connected to Ron, just this particular time, not so much. Thank you.

  5. Hard when things get worse with only a vague belief that they might get better. I believe they do get better, takes longer than I like. Hugs.

  6. It must be really hard at those times, when you are lost in intense emotions and there is no help, and then afterwards, you have to go on like nothing happened. That must be a lot like what happened growing up. šŸ˜¦

    • Ellen said:

      Something like perhaps. I don’t think I got to feel much though, growing up, so now I get the emotions. But yeah, support would be nice. Thanks

  7. It sounds tough. I’m sorry the session left you feeling so discouraged. Its hard now because its such a long brfeak. Safe hugs ok? XX

  8. Cat said:

    That sounds such a tough session and I couldn’t help feel sorry for B being trapped in a dark cave, the emotions sounds very potent.

    The therapy service I am with concentrate on “observing the feelings” and that can leave most of us feeling drained, but it sounds like you are going in deeper than I ever dare, so I admire the process, although appreciate how bad it must feel.

    I thought Ron just returned from a break not long ago. It’s a rotten way to end. We’re also on holiday, but I’m quite relieved not to go through the therapy hangovers twice weekly. Hope you get through it okay, Ellen.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks for the sympathy – it was hard feeling like she’s trapped in a cave. Whatever the meaning of that is. It is deep – I hope it is helping.

      Yeah, Ron takes three weeks in summer, but he splits that into two. This is the long break – two weeks. I’m both relieved to not be having therapy, but also miss Ron, especially today for some reason. I feel left behind and lonely I suppose.

      Thanks

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