I’m back to trusting. In my therapy. Maybe in general. Yes I am going up and down, see-saw fashion. That’s why I don’t trust my own mind all the time – I swing around.
This week, my session actually helped me feel better. I had had one of the worst weeks ever, in terms of flash-backs and getting stuck in parts. I did deal with it on my own though – I didn’t just push it back down as I used to. So that helped.
I’ve been reading and thinking about some fellow bloggers on the subject of trust – wondering if they trust too much, too fast, or if they need to trust more in order to heal, what is distrust like….My own inclination lately has been not to trust. But then, in my session, I thought – maybe trust is going to get me farther?
For me, that means allowing parts to speak, allowing some of the trauma to come up. Especially since that was triggered and out anyway the past week. Not debating on how to do therapy. There just isn’t time. Fifty minutes, once a week, if I start using that time debating how to do therapy, then what time is left? Not a whole lot.
Ron looked much as usual, and I didn’t bother asking him about his weekend or how he is. He always has to say fine anyway, and I was feeling like crap, so I just launched into me me me.
First we talked about my work, because I’d just received some reviews of my project, and I was completely upset – feeling scared and at fault. I talked about how I’m trying to talk myself out of my funk – the client had completely re-written the project. It doesn’t mean I don’t have worth, or they see me as useless, which is what I had jumped to. Wanting to add some reality to the situation. For some reason I fall into these holes about work.
So that was fine. I told Ron I didn’t want to spend too much time on work. I understand the situation, and we only have a short time. Interestingly, despite just a short discussion, today I feel quite differently about work, and see the review as mostly positive.
I also talked about what I’d been thinking, that I jump from topic to topic in therapy, and it seems to open things up but not get me anywhere, so I want to stop doing that as much.
I talked about how difficult my week had been. Ron invited the part that was hurt to speak, so B came forward. So Ron asked all these questions, and B just sat there, so worried, because she doesn’t know the answers. I intervene and tell Ron I don’t think it helps trying to approach child parts like this, so directly. Then I say how meaningful the drawing is for B, so we go to that, and she starts drawing.
Then various mayhem ensues, with parts crying and talking a bit. I don’t want to describe this because it’s chaotic and just hard to explain. But I didn’t switch out when the feelings got too intense, I just stayed there and let Ron be there with me, which felt a bit good among all the badness. It seems to be important not to leave bad feelings, but just wait there with them.
Towards the end I started feeling horribly lonely, so I shared that with Ron. He asked is it like abandonment? I said yes. I said therapy is like that – for fifty minutes, I get all this attention and sympathy, and then, he’s gone for another seven days. Which is kind of true. But the lonely feeling was so strong – Ron asked if another part needed time. And so another part, B2, who almost never talks, came forward. She didn’t say much – another young child part. But she said she liked to talk….and my feeling of loneliness dissipated. So that lonely feeling did seem to come from a part that wanted time.
Ron asked what I thought about coming twice a week. I immediately liked the idea of course. But practically, it would be difficult. My current contract is ending, and I don’t know what my work days will look like at the next one. Ron says he thinks it might be useful, because he gets the impression I’m in “homeostasis”. That is, the trauma comes up, but then it goes down again without shifting. He thinks if we had more frequent sessions, it wouldn’t all have to be packed up again as much, and we could shift it.
Who knows. He also said I could arrange with him to call him if I needed to, on the weekend. We’d arrange a ten minute call.
So overall I feel cared about and soothed. I like knowing I can call in emergencies and he’ll try and help. Things are so much better this weekend. I am calmer and functional. I am so grateful.