I am so sad today. I think it’s from a mess of different things. It often helps to write it down, so here I go.
I’ve been triggered into trauma by the dentist. Somehow going to therapy intensified those feelings in a way I don’t understand. I described my depression to Ron in the session, and we spent a few minutes on that, but I didn’t go into it any deeper, as per my new policy of not diving into trauma. So I don’t get why the feelings intensified afterwards. I spent a large part of yesterday in bed. I tried to read, but gave up after a while and just lay there for a few hours.
In the afternoon I obeyed an internal prompting and watched a Disney DVD – Cinderella 2. B loved this story – actually three linked stories about Cinderella after she marries the prince. And somewhere in there, my mind clicked back into place, and I felt calm, as if a fever had broken. I was actually able to cook and eat and have a more normal evening.
I’m not sure that this trauma response is getting me anywhere, as in processing, but it seems out of my control, whether it happens or not. I guess therapy intensified everything, moving from depression to more of remembering bits and pieces, and unfortunately to a kind of shocked place. When I’m in that place I don’t feel in the normal way – I don’t feel sad for instance. It’s more a feeling of overwhelming stress and despair and being lost in the dark.
Today I’d like to go down to the beach. It’s going to be hot, so I need to go early, and it’s already almost noon. I wasn’t able to push through the morning fog.
I guess being sad, like today, is progress. It seems like a real feeling, no longer shocked.
I haven’t decided anything about therapy. I was wondering if Ron had been in town, if I would have asked for a check in call, to get me through Saturday. He’s kind of the person I tell about things like that, but at the same time, I’ve been so angry with him, I don’t feel trust that he’d want to help me. Or if I would feel comforted speaking with him.