Today

I am so sad today. I think it’s from a mess of different things. It often helps to write it down, so here I go.

I’ve been triggered into trauma by the dentist. Somehow going to therapy intensified those feelings in a way I don’t understand. I described my depression to Ron in the session, and we spent a few minutes on that, but I didn’t go into it any deeper, as per my new policy of not diving into trauma. So I don’t get why the feelings intensified afterwards. I spent a large part of yesterday in bed. I tried to read, but gave up after a while and just lay there for a few hours.

In the afternoon I obeyed an internal prompting and watched a Disney DVD – Cinderella 2. B loved this story – actually three linked stories about Cinderella after she marries the prince. And somewhere in there, my mind clicked back into place, and I felt calm, as if a fever had broken. I was actually able to cook and eat and have a more normal evening.

I’m not sure that this trauma response is getting me anywhere, as in processing, but it seems out of my control, whether it happens or not. I guess therapy intensified everything, moving from depression to more of remembering bits and pieces, and unfortunately to a kind of shocked place. When I’m in that place I don’t feel in the normal way – I don’t feel sad for instance. It’s more a feeling of overwhelming stress and despair and being lost in the dark.

Today I’d like to go down to the beach. It’s going to be hot, so I need to go early, and it’s already almost noon. I wasn’t able to push through the morning fog.

I guess being sad, like today, is progress. It seems like a real feeling, no longer shocked.

I haven’t decided anything about therapy. I was wondering if Ron had been in town, if I would have asked for a check in call, to get me through Saturday. He’s kind of the person I tell about things like that, but at the same time, I’ve been so angry with him, I don’t feel trust that he’d want to help me. Or if I would feel comforted speaking with him.

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11 comments
  1. So sorry for yesterday. Those shock type states are really hard to deal with and being all alone with it is terribly hard.

    Brava in listening to yourself about the movie and then following through and getting yourself out of the state!

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Cat. It helps a lot when someone else understands what I mean. Take care.

  2. Grainne said:

    I’m feeling low these days too. It always seems to come from everywhere at once. Xx

    • Ellen said:

      Sorry you are feeling bad Grainne. Hope your holiday Monday is at least a bit better. xox

  3. Cat said:

    The dentist and even just minor medical procedures will trigger me and leave me feeling flat and detached for days afterwards. I think it’s right to go with the ‘trauma response’. I hope you are able to talk to Ron if you’re unsure of his willingness to help/listen, this must feel confusing

    • Ellen said:

      Sorry you suffer similarly Cat. Yeah, it’s confusing. Thank you.

  4. Rachel said:

    Wanted to send support and encouragement through these sad feelings.

  5. Andi said:

    The dentist triggers me like crazy. To the point that I usually dissociate within seconds. Sorry you had that shock state. Sadness can be a good emotion to work with. I wish things felt more settled for you, therapy-wise.

  6. How’s the hunt for a new therapist going?

  7. The sadness is always hard to cope with. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling that. I hope you managed to get to the beach. The beach always relaxes us. XX

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