“Thinking about my session tomorrow. I’m afraid of going. So often, therapy makes me feel worse. I don’t have the sense anymore that it helps, beyond having a friendly face and someone who cares. Which is nice, but the pain of it is so severe. I don’t know. I kind of don’t want to go.”
I started to write this post yesterday, then got stuck. I did go to my session, and now I feel unbelievably awful. Of course this would happen on a long weekend with Ron going away. He was there in his jeans today, ready to leave right after work. Maybe I should have paid attention to my forebodings.
I don’t think therapy is helping me. We had another discussion about how to treat PTSD, which is f’ing useless. There is no point having that discussion. Ron believes what he believes. He did say he thinks it’s ‘problematic’ that I’m ambivalent about therapy, by which he means not ready to plunge into intense feelings.
I started out with Ron not knowing that much about what I was dealing with. The fact that he had good therapist skills seemed so great to me – I hadn’t experienced a therapist who had those before. I didn’t screen him for how he treats trauma or dissociation. I just figured whatever it was he did was likely right.
Now I’ve lost confidence.
What makes it more confusing is my anger at Ron is getting mixed up with my personal issues. I have a lot of anger with men, and it’s getting triggered. And Ron is pretty good with it – he doesn’t retaliate or get visibly angry himself. He encourages me to talk about it. Like I said, he has good therapist skills.
I went to the dentist Tuesday and have been feeling awful ever since. Depressed. I know the dentist triggers me, which is helpful to know, because I know that those feelings will pass again. I didn’t really work on this in my session today, but I cried quite a bit. But I think that dentist depression was kind of sitting there, making everything more difficult.
Now I am having kind of half flashbacks. I can’t seem to feel anything, except a kind of blackness, and the choking and a huge amount of pressure.
It’s confusing. I don’t know if my anger is part of the flashbacks, or because I am angry with Ron and need to quit therapy. Right now I want to send that email that announces I’m quitting, goodbye forever. I know from experience this urge will dissipate as the days go on.
B didn’t really get time. Another part of me was drawing – I don’t know who, perhaps it was me. So since B didn’t get time, I don’t feel that lovely sense of being cared about that happens when she gets time and Ron pays attention to her. I just feel misunderstood, pissed off, and flashbacky.
I must start interviewing other therapists. I think I need to get out of this situation. Even if I don’t quit with Ron until I’ve found someone else, in order to keep parts more calm.