Ugh. Was just watching a pretty tame cops and robbers type show, and now I’ve become really afraid. One of the characters scared me. I’m afraid I’m like this character. He’s kind of manic, super intense, and may have caused a horrific murder.
Which is ridiculous I know.
I’m back at why my boss dropped me at work. The last time we interacted, was at this meeting, where he gave me such a strange intense look, and I didn’t know what it meant. Am I really strange and intense? I know I come across as ‘different’. I have to go back in tomorrow and I’m worried about it for some reason.
I had one good work experience last week. I was doing a phone meeting with one of the managers on my project – she’s the person I felt I was irritating and frustrating in our last interaction – I was pushing to understand, she was getting flustered and defensive, IMO. Well, we had another meeting, and it was so great. I was careful. I apologized for something or other. I took all of her concerns seriously, and accepted most of her input. So. The feeling in that meeting was so different – so excellent. We got all of our concerns ironed out.
I think writing about the bad meeting with her helped. Writing it down helps me get some distance, so I can deal better. Plus, maybe I was more relaxed?
So, just to say, I can be effective at work at times. Just not all the time.
I’ve been thinking about therapy.
I am thinking some of my overwhelming bad feelings, which cause me to shut down and go to sleep, are actually coming from the sheer awfulness of growing up in my family. I think I had to suppress pretty much all of my feelings in order to get any acceptance at all. I think those feelings are coming back in chunks, so to speak. Not gradually, but all at once, in packages.
Ron said something about how growing up in my family was traumatic in itself. They emotionally abandoned me, and it was excruciating. So painful. I had no one else to be on my side. I did have friends, but I didn’t have the words to describe how it was. I don’t think I could even think about how it was, let alone describe it.
My feelings feel as if they’re bundled up somewhere, but the bundles break open every so often, unexpectedly, and shower me with their contents.
Anyway. Note to self and younger selves. You are not at all like the brilliant and crazy hypnotist on TV who is maybe a murderer. You are a woman struggling to make sense of her life. You are doing a pretty good job. Try not to worry.